I give up. Since I can’t make any call, I’m not taking any, either.  Not that anyone has gotten through to my phone, though. Why is it that every call I make these days either goes into a voicemail or the subscriber cannot be reached? Where’s everybody gone to, anyway? 

When this GSM (Global System for Mobile Communication) thing came, we were assured that even angels won’t need to come down to deliver God’s message to man. They were supposed to use the mobile phone. That’s when I learnt that most of the people forming the heavy vehicular and human traffics in major cities like Lagos were not humans.  I learnt many aliens visited Nigeria daily to learn a few tricks from our politicians and businessmen. They came from the space, the spirit world, South Africa and hell! They were the ones that “confused” our leaders to deregulate the oil sector. From the “down stream,” they have moved to the “up ocean”(?) sector. And nobody cares that the poor man used to drink from that “stream.” Now that there’s no pipe borne water, despite sugarcoated promises, the masses are dying in thirst. Deregulation has become strangulation!

Still, the “aliens” have refused to leave. They now mingle with our businessmen and politicians to “finish” us. And even the angels on God’s mission have joined them. Still, more are coming. From Zimbabwe and all.

With GSM, man was supposed to have the best of times.  Phone calls made easy. One dial to Heaven and direct discussion with God guaranteed. But now, we can’t get through to anybody. Not even your next-door neighbour. When I quarrel with my wife and do not want to talk to her, I use the phone. But even when she’s right beside me, some mechanised voice says she’s not available. Sometimes, it enters voicemail. And guess what? I surprised myself one day and left a message. But she never gets back to me.

 Imagine! When there was no per second billing, I sent messages so much till I got a “textually transmitted disease.” Now that I want to talk, suddenly, “service is unavailable.”

I bought my line from ECONET. Then, they called me a “buddie.” But I found out later it was a lie. No friend would have cut my money the way they did. When Vodacom eventually bought into the deal, some of us rejoiced. We thought they would make the services better. But I became worried the day they sent me a text that my category was called “Vodago.” What? “Voda” had not even “com (e)” it was proposing to “go”? Last week, it left. Its Group CEO, Alan Knott-Craig, said it was because of “good corporate governance and trust.” Whatever that means. Gibberish!

Between businessmen and politicians, who is worse? Two sides of a coin. For business men have taken over politics. And politicians are now businessmen. They talk and talk without saying anything. They never speak in the language of the poor. Some speak in tongues – either deploying “big” and vague words to block us or they set up voicemail.  

Well, voicemail, a call divert mechanism, is actually a polite way of saying, “go away, I’m not taking your calls. Na your mama buy phone of me?”  In the voice-mailbox is usually a throaty voice asking you to leave a message. And last week, almost all the “big men” I know switched into that annoying thing. You leave a message and none of them calls back. Voicemail is delay tactics. It keeps you in suspense. You have no way of knowing if the other guy got your message or not. If he did, when would he respond?

What was meant to be useful in moments when the recipient was genuinely unavoidable has become a pastime. Were the “big men” I called afraid to speak on the NLC strike? But was there anything to fear? This is a deregulated nation. If nobody controls even the basic of social amenities, why should opinion be regulated? And even crime has been deregulated. Hence, we have the most sophisticated guns here, brought in by the “major marketers” in gun running. Suddenly, the war fields are increasing. Yet, the government plays the ostrich, switching itself into “voicemail.”  But even in that passive mode, government used us to do business with the “major marketers.. From Abacha’s N11 per litre fuel, we now buy as much as N100 in some parts of the country. The price is still rising and those who should do something are on voicemail, so we don’t disturb them with our cries.

A friend made me aware of the negative impact of voicemail-attitude, last week. What if God was a Nigerian leader, operating by voicemail?  Imagine praying – lamenting about strangulating policies including the incessant fuel price hike – and waiting anxiously for an answer. Then, you get the following: “Thank you for disturbing Heaven (Aso Rock).  For Yoruba, press 1. For Hausa, press 2. For Igbo, press 3. All other minority languages press 4. Select one of the following options: Press 1 for contracts – if you are a rich man, a politician or a businessman. Press 2, if you want to “thank” Baba. Press 3, to talk about eternity (self-succession /third term). Press 4, if you are on special duty – in-charge of women, sorry, angels affairs. Well, press 0, if you a mortal (common man), always ready to complain about your suffering. I am sorry, all our angels and saints are busy helping the privileged ones right now. However, your message will be answered when we are less busy. But that may take eternity, for this is one man’s democracy. In any case, we have deregulated all our angels’ services. To breathe the air, you must buy at a rate fixed by the ‘major air marketers.’ Nothing is free; forget that “Free Air” advert at petrol stations. 

Please, stay on the line. If you would like to speak with: God, press 1; Jesus, press 2; Holy Spirit, press 3. To find a loved one assigned to Heaven, press 4. Then, enter his social security number followed by the # sign. But you must be one of the richest robbers in creation. For every level has its price. Those who either want to complain about their poverty; seek answers to nagging questions like why the refineries are not working; why we import fuel; why a report of a panel whose scribe is in Baba’s cabinet should be missing; etc, would have to wait. Our computers show that they are ‘total idiots’ talking ‘absolute nonsense.’ You can go to hell. When you return “please, call back.” Whew! One long voicemail set up by dictator. Abi?

Sadly, everything in Nigeria has entered voicemail. Don’t expect an immediate reply to anything. Put money now in business and it goes into “voicemail.” You may never get the expected dividend. The few foreign investors who ventured here experienced it and ran back. They spread the words to their colleagues and those ones switched into voicemail. That’s why Nigeria has not been able to get through to anyone of them to come and invest. Our demo bred deregulation. Then, strangulation. But there’s no one to save us. Even God is on voicemail! That’s why  General Olusegun Obasanjo can toy with our lives.

• First published in Saturday Sun of  June 12, 2004