My Lord, This Thing Runs in the Family

Some “total idiots,” who call themselves journalists have been analyzing the shape of Gbenga Obasanjo’s head. As if it’s bigger than mine. Since Monday, when the young man’s picture “graced” the cover of The News magazine, I’ve not rested. “Oh! Usoro, say something, isn’t he nice? With a head as smooth as Olumo Rock.” “Ah! Gbenga is a fine young man. In fact, he would have been better on the cover of a veterinary journal,” said another.

Me? I said nothing. What was it all about, anyway? As if on cue, somebody announced how intelligent Gbenga was. “In fact, so intelligent that even when he knew he was talking to a reporter, he still emptied enough stench to drown Aso Rock.” One ‘half idiot’ even said Gbenga assumed the roles of a judge, an intelligence officer, a prof and a saint. Then staged a coup, by trying to outtalk Femi Fani-Kayode (FFK). 

Still, I kept quiet – to “shame the devil.” Trust me, I always back defenseless people like Gbenga. You see, he may be a doctor, but do doctors treat themselves?  Gbenga needs a defender as strong as Taribo. That is, me! I’m urging him to be man enough to go to court. I would defend him, free. 

Me: “My Lord, I am  representing the young man accused of insulting the Vice President; the FCT minister; his late step-mum, Stella; his younger brother; Ibori; Gbenga Daniel; Bukola Saraki; Nnamani and even journalists. My lord, I’m ready to prove that my client’s other name is ‘innocent.’ I hereby tender his birth certificate as “Exhibit A.” You see, his father’s position permits him to insult anybody he wishes. That is the constitutional right of being a President’s son, especially since he’s now a ‘kabu-kabu’ driver plying Seme border and Lagos. 

“Well, my lord, my client is very intelligent. Hence, is not guilty of ‘basketmouthism.’ Check out ‘Exhibit B’ – my client’s head. In accordance with the Evidence Act 2007, proper examination of the evidence would reveal that what fills the balloon-head is not just eggshells from Otta Farm. I swear, that is the talk of ‘bad-belle people.’ My client has immunity to insult public figures in his ‘private (bedroom) discussion.’ What of those who do on national TV? Like the president?’

“My lord, this court should determine the alleged link between my client’s interview and a serious ailment in our land. I heard it has caused medics to put parents on red alert. The disease, I heard, runs in the blood. Once it manifests, it’s difficult to manage. At the moment, doctors are very worried. They claim unlike bird flu, it moves easily from father to child. Runs in the family”.

“In simple English, it’s called: TI (total insult). If it stopped there, it would’ve been easy to spell. And the cure found. But you know how medical names get funny. Which accounts for why scientists don’t find cure for ailments easily. Well, the new ailment, I’m told, is called “talkbeforethinking (TBT).” Anybody who spells that without counting fingers should win ‘Gbenga Intelligent Award’ – which means a free ride in Gbenga Obasanjo’s car.”

“My lord, I confirm that my client is a person of sound mind. He is a respected member of the President’s clan. Very kind hearted and, yes, likes Fela’s song: “Basketmouth wan open mouth again –o”  Well, he’s  accused of calling Alamieyeseigha ‘dumb, stupid, daft and careless;’ reporters ‘senseless;’ Atiku “’the fraud’; El Rufai ‘a sham;’ his brother Olumuyiwa, ‘I don’t know who told you that he is intelligent.’ But, sir, he did nothing wrong.  If the scientists are to be believed, certain things run in the gene. Simply put, they are hereditary – insult and crudity inclusive. 

“Anyway, I’m yet to confirm, but I heard the new ailment is a dysfunction between the brain and the mouth. It makes the patient talk without control – like Chris Talker. The only immediate remedy, my lord, is to seal off the mouth. And since all the doctors are so scared of blood – and mouth odour – they recommend super glue. Unfortunately, my client is allergic to gum.” 

“My lord, I confess. I almost fell victim to TBT, late last year. Right inside my bedroom, I threatened Tinubu’s picture. But my daughter, who was listening all the while, almost put it on CNN.

Me: Don’t look at me-o. Liar! You promised to build us a Fourth Mainland Bridge, now it’s December 31, 2005. Nothing! In fact, I can kill you now. I don’t even know how you entered my bedroom.

The picture just stared at me with a leer. So, I tore the November calendar to spread on the wardrobe. But my two-year-old daughter went to town with what she probably considered my latest achievement.

Eddy: Daddy, you kill that man? 

Me: Yes dear! But it’s not a man, I only tore the paper. See? No blood.

Eddy: Okay, I will tell my mummy for you…mummy, mummy!  Daddy is killing somebody. No blood.

Me: Eddy, thanks for the announcement but…

Eddy: Okay, I will tell Mama Nelson… (The neighbour).

“My lord, there are insinuations that Gbenga was probably speaking the mind of his family. But it is not true. Since he is not FFK. Well, a very recent study published in a1928 magazine says Nigerian Chris Talkers are mostly in families of politicians. ‘What you do not want the world to know don’t say it before your child,’ it said. But who’s listening? The effect, the report assured, was that the child would eventually open mouth too wide. Outside. Out of fear, after reading it, I applied super glue on my daughter’s lips. I couldn’t risk her mouth opening it too wide, could I?  

“My lord, I admit. The stench that oozed from that alleged interview was so strong it almost melted the pages of the mag. I’m aware that it almost broke the Rock, so presido ran to hide behind the chicken house in Otta. When  the odour became unbearable, he ordered the son’s mouth shut with a vice. But something was still smelling when this court sitting started. The annoying aspect is that mischievous journalists said it was Gbenga’s mouth.”

“Anyway, so far, my lord, I’ve been trying to establish the innocence of my client. I insist that he’s not guilty. In fact, if anything, he was only operating by his father’s decree and theory. My lord, it is common secret that General Obasanjo is an apostle of anything total. Like total loyalty; total idiot and Total Filling station. According to the “total” philosophy, there is nothing like half measure. If you must insult somebody, let it be total. Impose total poverty on the land. Election rigging must be total. Fuel price hike is always total. Food price is in total climb. Planes must go in total crashes before government does something. Does anybody still wonder why Rev Yakubu Pam was labeled “total idiot” in May 2004 by Gbenga’s father?”

“My lord, I insist that my client be given national honours. His interview with The News magazine was good for the polity. A healthy diversion from the third term fever. My client’s action was both nature-induced and patriotic. He has no blame whatsoever. In the case of  okpo-ebot versus mother-goat, decided at the Supreme Court of Efe-idung, it was held that since certain actions are determined or influenced by external factors which a being has no control over, the being in question should not be held responsible. It’s punishment enough that the father has ‘gagged’ my client. Now, I’m worried that he may choke. Or die of hunger. Since he can’t eat with his mouth shut. I however cannot guarantee that if he opens it to eat, garbage, sorry words would not tumble out. Still, that would not be his fault, or would it? My lord, this thing runs in the family. I rest ‘his’ case, my lord”.

• First published in Saturday Sun of  Jan 14, 2006