Until last week, I thought I deserved an award. I had confessed to my wife, recently, that I was corrupt. I cheated her once or twice at a Ludo game, eaten two “rations” at a sitting and even bathed naked. After the admission, I felt good for being man enough to tell the truth. And I waited for an automatic nomination to Obasanjo’s “Talk shop” – to represent my family. But Haruna Yerima blew my chances. After reading his testimony, I realised there’s no fool like me. For, it became clear that corruption was more than eating the baby’s food. That’s poverty. Analogue corruption! Outdated! Now, the thing has gone “digital.” It now comes in prepaid, laminated, recharge cards.  Very innovative.

Well, Yerima, a member of the House of Representatives, thought he was smart. He attempted a confession of the century but his colleagues promptly shut him up. With suspension. Serves him right! How could he disclose “trade secret”? And made me lose a chance in history – of being the only bold one to admit corruption. Yet, the “stubborn man” insists he owes no one an apology. Not even me?

Me: Oh, come off it, Obasanjo would have unleashed EFCC and ICPC on Wabara and Masari, if they allowed any corrupt person into the chambers.

Yerima: “Whoever tells you there is no corruption in the House is, in fact, corrupt. Ministers and heads of parastatals are often asked to bring money by some honourable members so that their budgets can be passed. MTN bribes us every month. It brings cards worth N7,500 monthly to each member…” Oh yeah!? 

 Look, why are Yerimas so troublesome? This one is from Borno, not Zamfara. Yet, he exposed the (dis)honourable members just like that. It wasn’t the allegation that committee members collected bribes that pained me. Rather, it was the part that made it look like the lawmakers did not have “integrity.” And that pained the House too. You know why? Well, the lawmakers said he made members of the public to think that since  reps lacked integrity, they went begging Ehindero, the Police IG, for some.

Anyway, I’ve always felt uncomfortable with the type of debates emerging from that House. Slaps and fights! And the type of bills they produce. Hospital bills! But I never knew those had origin in alcohol. “Most of our debates are beer parlour debates,”Yerima said. “We argue like ordinary people on the streets.” He meant area boys! And the police. Those crude guys whose only debates are extorting money from motorists. They have one thing in common with the violent politicians. Violence!  At the end, they go home with money. Why?

Yerima: “Most of us are contractors.”

Me: Supplying bandages, plasters and paracetamol to “cushion the effects”  of the fights? By the way, some nosy fellows say you people have forgotten why you went to the National Assembly.

Yerima: “Most of us come here to make money; make what you can and leave.”

Very nice! But, hey, can somebody call in the ICPC and the EFCC now, please? 

Okay, maybe not yet. For the Kwara House of Assembly has a complain. A council chairman there had been spending N1.4 million on recharge cards monthly. Again, digitalised corruption! I don’t know what they are worried about. Or do they want to remain in the dark ages? The man must have been calling foreign investors and democracy dividends. Ka gi kwo?

 Four others spent about N10 million to celebrate 100 days in office. Well, I still think those guys, like me, didn’t do Mathematics in school. The proper figure should have been N100million, since they were celebrating 100 days. A million for a day. That way, nobody would’ve noticed because it would’ve been easier for the accountants to round off the figures. 

In Imo, my friend before,  Mbadiwe Emelumba, was suspended for allegedly collecting N800,000 bribe. Don’t dare ask me if it had to do with recharge cards. Because right now, I’m threatening to go to court on his behalf. The only reason I’ve not gone yet is because I’m waiting for somebody to beg me not to go. Oh! If “now” and “because” are too many in my sentences, it’s because (again?) I’m so angry. How can anybody prove to me now (ah!) that we aren’t  making progress? What’s rising corruption index, if not progress? How else would we get back to the Transparency International’s first position, if we don’t intensify effort now (ehn-hen?!) to digitalise corruption?

We’ve always known that our politicians were corrupt. But it’s a lot refreshing when they say so themselves. “Corruption is a deadly disease and in Nigeria we have not found the cure or the solution,” says Governor Ayo Fayose of Ekiti State. And he just wasn’t talking about the lawmakers alone. Rather, he said it runs through those in high offices. “It is going from high level to higher level.” Right over the heads of the poor. And here I was thinking I deserved award for either being “corrupt” in my house or for admitting it.

Once, I was even foolish enough to think that EFCC and ICPC would probe me for eating my baby’s Frisocrem. That was after they threatened to investigate some governors – DSP Alamieyeseigha (Bayelsa) and Joshua Dariye of Plateau. But the moment Obasanjo ordered a stop to Tafa Balogun’s case, I suspected the “owners” of corruption weren’t ready to scrap it yet.  And Fayose confirmed it last week. “We have not taken a decision to fight corruption. The moment we take a decision, we will fight it,” he said. “To fight corruption, you must live by example…Nobody lives by example in Nigeria.”

 Interpretation: Everybody is corrupt, hence corruption can never die in Nigeria.

Corruption among politicians is as natural as going naked in your bathroom. Or as real as a homosexual wearing a tokunbo bra. Problem is, the more we shout against it, the more inventive they – fraudsters, politicians and homos – become. In fact, as creative as Obasanjo’s sourcing of funds for another ‘Oputa Panel’ drama. Or as ingenious as policemen in toll collection. Now, they even connive with NEPA. When light goes off, policemen, in their blackness, hide at  corners for okadamen. With Ehindero’s “integrity” in their pockets.

The other day, some nosy journalists said fraudsters tampered with 419 Bill. Hey! How did they get to the National Assembly, with all the checks and threats from ICPC and EFCC? And all the pre-election screenings? Now, I agree with Fayose that “all these talks about corruption are nothing.” Common sense may not be so common. But it’s becoming clearer that nobody is fighting corruption. Instead, they’re fighting one another everyday over who should have the patent to stealing from our common purse. 

• First published in Saturday Sun of  Feb 26, 2005