This morning, I’ll walk into a police station and declare a state of emergency. And why not?  That I lost a priced possession needs an “urgent” attention. And if the police claim to be my friends, they must help me find it. It was only last week, after General Olusegun Obasanjo declared a “state of emergency” in Plateau State that I became aware I had lost the capacity for surprise.  I was supposed to faint in shock at the announcement, but I didn’t. So, when many Nigerians express “surprise,” I envy them. But when they query the rationale behind the decision, I pity them! For me, Mr. Surprise took flight long ago.

Why should anyone still be surprised at a “state of emergency”?  Must there be a justification for it? After five years of “jackboot democracy,” when our leaders were busy reading the covers of the constitution, the fellow called “surprise” returned abroad. Mind you, “surprise” was not a Nigerian. Rather, the guy called “Emergency” is. Surprise only came here as a tourist. But there was really no developed attraction spot to see.  So, at a point, he toyed with the idea of bringing in an investment. But insecurity scared him. And, when he discovered our “home grown democracy” wasn’t the conventional type in the civilized world, he left. That is why he was not around to witness the Plateau emergency rule.

But as usual, we, the Nigerians, took the emergency thing in good faith. Aren’t we very religious? A few “disgruntled” ones spoke against it. But it didn’t matter.  After all, we had been living with emergency before. “Emergency” is said to be “an unexpected and sudden event that must be dealt with urgently.” And the “state” qualifying – in this case – it is defined as, “the condition that something or somebody is in at a particular time”. 

Yes, Nigerians have known many emergencies.  They’ve seen it dressed both in army uniform and in the agbada. Yet, our leaders have never matched the “urgency” of the situation with the required populist attention. Throughout the military era, we lived with emergency; lived in emergency; breathe emergency. Crisis everywhere. Disaster and tragedy of all kinds. We slept in a hurry and woke with a start. Left home in urgency, jumped into mobile vehicles and careen off at the next stop. Since it was military rule, none was surprised when flogged by soldiers on the streets. We all swallowed the pill of military misrule and prayed hard for a new day.

Today, five years back, civil rule came.  Yet, we are still in emergency! All kinds – state, local and federal emergencies.  Official and unofficial. They all combine to weigh down the citizens. Plateau’s own only became official through the president-general’s broadcast.  And we were told it’s only declared in places where there’s conflict, crisis, confusion, where lives are in danger and there’s breakdown of law and order, etc.  Yet, in most places, everything – not only law and order – have broken down. In fact, we’ve had “emergency” situation in schools, markets, roads, homes, offices, etc, for ages. There’re still there.  

This whole society is one big state of emergency.  And, I suspect, if my big head is split open, there must be a state of emergency there. Well, beyond my head and the bad roads – which the FG seems to have woken up to some – power supply is still poor. Flood, in most states, still chase many out of their homes.  There is still insecurity in the land. Deliberate and “accidental” discharges. Petroleum prices rise by the second and no one ever gets even the “free air” advertised at all petrol stations. The standard of living is still generally poor. The World Bank says about 90 percent of us still live in abject poverty. Prices of food items compete with the wind. Many can’t afford rents. The people, frustrated to a boiling point, explode – like our presido – at the slightest “provocation.” Eventually, the streets are taken over by destitute citizens and the increasing number of refugees.

True, we are not new to emergency. In many homes, there’s perpetual “domestic emergency.”  Many pots remain empty. Some soup pots, including mine, lack the ideal textbook requirements for balanced diet. I swear, there is a state of emergency in my soup pot. I think it’s called “soup pot emergency.” When I have no money for meat, I become a vegetarian. But when somebody “dashes” me meat, NEPA strikes and it rots away. I suspect why I’m not competing with broomstick is because I drink 50 sachets of “pure water” a day.  Just to fill the cavity, abi? In fact, a man who can’t feed and fend for his family is in a dire “state of emergency”!  

Whether in stratocracy or this newfound “democracy”, Nigeria has always been in a “state of emergency”. But we keep pretending it doesn’t exit. It was declared in Plateau maybe because Plateau is a state. If it was declared in a local government, would it be a “local emergency”?  We might then have a “federal emergency” or “national emergency”. Since this is the era of emergency rule, we might as well declare it in so many other areas – where “law and order have broken down”. In our schools, hospitals, transport system, housing arrangements, etc. Well, since Taiwo Ogunjobi, the NFA scribe, is already “current” enough to be threatening emergency rule on the Supporters’ Club, we might as well have that “sports emergency”. If done properly, it might help Nigeria back in the big league – at least in football. Or will it? First, Ogunjobi would have to learn from Plateau experience.

Emergency rule may be military-related, but it is not all about talking tough. By now, Generals Obasanjo and Chris Alli should be aware of that. Yet, even after Rev. Pam became Obasanjo’s “total idiot,” Alli still had the wind to incense the already livid people. “I am not called a chief but a General. In my 32 years in the military, I was taught to use force and again I am an administrator. So, I have all the power to crush any attack or rebellion,” he boasted. But it turned empty for many people were still killed after. That mean Alli may not have started well. The day he got the sole administrator contract, sorry, appointment, he flew into Lagos and changed clothes twice so the press could get to current pictures. Now, he has found out he was neither invited to a fashion show nor a school debate. Yet, he’s already planning to stay beyond his initial brief.

Anyway, even Senator Ibrahim Mantu, the alleged mastermind of the Plateau emergency rule is no longer sure the thing would work. And the Governors, who supported it initially, are now reconsidering their stand. But does it make sense to back a position and demand its justification the next day?  Well, for me, I have decided not to comment on this emergency whatever. If I do, may I fall from the ocean into a ship. On emergency we stand, sit, eat, drink, run, steal and go. On emergency we die!

Anyway, sooner than later, I might have declared the emergency thing in my house. A gecko and a cockroach had been causing “conflict” in my room. They would have “broken down” the wall and my sleep, in addition to “law and order”. Well, I was about making the announcement, when an agama lost its tail, as I closed my window last night. Please, somebody should call an ambulance. There’s an emergency!

• First published in Saturday Sun of  May 29, 2004