Since my mother-in-law ‘dashed’ us one petite-looking hen, I’ve played the good old doctor. And then, a marriage-counselor. First, I so much wanted eggs from the hen so I could feed its protein to my growing bones. I wouldn’t have worried had a family doctor not insisted that “an egg a day keeps poverty away.
Well, when the hen took too long to lay eggs, I did a fibroid operation on it. No time for nonsense; I like good results. Then, I had a little chat with a neighbour’s rooster. A real stud that had been doing shakara for all the chic-hens on our street. Anyway, a week later, I woke to meet eggs in my store. But when I tried to boil them for dinner, madam insisted it was for the kids.
You see, egg has always been a controversial stuff. A measure of injustice in my life. When I was younger, I dared not ask for egg. Adults always said eating it would make me a thief. And that my head would assume an egg-shape. Is that what they call “egghead”? Sometimes, they claimed eating an egg was akin to eating a whole chicken with feathers. But, they ate all the proteins and left me with short bones. And a coconut-head stuffed with a white substance some say is called brain. Unfortunately, when I grew older, the price of egg rose taller than my nose. The only people who played around with eggs remained the rich and the abia iboks (herbalists). What injustice!
Oh! If I couldn’t get egg to eat – as a child – don’t even bother to ask if I ate chicken. In fact, the first time I begged a rich uncle for a bite of chicken, he turned a philosopher.
Me: Uncle, is that chicken you are eating dead?
Uncle: Yes, why do you ask?
Me: I wanted to be sure that it’s dead, and the only way to prove is for me to eat it.
Uncle: Ole! I would only give you if you answer this question. Which came first – the chicken or the egg?
That’s when I finally skipped begging for either the chicken or the egg. But the “egg and chicken” question returned, last week, when some folks turned me into a counselor. As the bird flu story burst into homes, they complained. In fact, some women under the Confused Mothers Union (CMU) led a delegation to my office one midnight. Soon, it turned into a delegates’ conference. Their children, they said, could not eat chicken because of catarrh. Oh yeah?!
Me: Who have the catarrh, the children or the chickens?
CMU President: What difference does it make, anyway? We are told that if the children have catarrh, they could pass it to the chicken if they eat it.
Me: Well, the one I heard was that some chickens have flu and could transmit to humans.
CMU President: What the hell are you talking about? What is flu and what is catarrh? If chickens can pass it to humans, are you saying humans can’t pass it back to chickens?
Wahala! The women’s greatest annoyance was that their children couldn’t eat egg, either. So, how can they ever grow, politically, to wrest Aso Rock from Obasanjo, whose farm happens to be the only one without flu? I was expected to provide the answer, but I couldn’t. I wasn’t the one who banned chicken and chips, sorry, eggs. The experts banned them from every menu; as if I ever had it on mine.
Young man: My girlfriend abandoned me because I couldn’t give her chicken and chips on Valentine’s Day. Then, she called me a “chicken” because I refused to fight the guy she went home with.
Mother 1: Well, my own problem is more serious. I can’t find egg for my children. I’m told all the eggs have been admitted in the hospital for flu. What should I do?
Nutritionist: Madam, it’s a simple matter. You can either lay the egg, or give your children garden egg. There’s egg inside it, I swear.
Mother 2: I still don’t understand. How is it possible for the virus to pass from chicken to human and vice versa?
Me: Well, I didn’t know it also passes to someone called Vice Versa. All I’ve heard is that it can pass from chickens to humans. And, sometimes, to “hu-womans” too. Anyway, the virus, I’m told, is transmitted once you share or touch the chickens with any sharp object – knife, syringe and even teeth. I heard it kills within days – worse than AIDS. That’s why all those who killed chickens with guns on our national TV had to wear condom.
Chicken trader: (jumps in…) Come, why has nobody been charged with the mass murder of those chickens. That killing was very cruelly done. Now, police even ask us for NAFDAC number before we can sell chicken.
Mother 1: Please, what are the symptoms of this bird flu?
Doctor: Well, first, let me explain that the “bird flu” ailment arises from Egg Deficiency Syndrome (EDS). And the first sign of the flu is headache, fever, cold, hunger, poverty, feeling of injustice and a strong urge to kidnap an expatriate!
Ah! It was after that explanation I realized that I’d been suffering from EDS. You know why? Recently, I’ve had this urge to kidnap every fair-skinned idiot that stops traffic to cross the highway. Very lucrative business. My only concern is that the Niger Delta governors have decided to clear the streets of all “yellow skins.” And a new group, Harassed Albinos of Nigerian Descent (HAND), have written to NAFDAC for Personal Identification Numbers (PIN). That’s bad for business.
Anyway, I’ve asked my village head to mobilise all the touts in his domain into the kidnapping trade. Yes, “kidnapping” is now a profession – it doesn’t matter if you kidnap ecological fund from Plateau State or an “oyinbo” from Shell platform. Well, the Association of Expert, sorry, Expatriate Kidnappers (AEK) is yet to be registered with the Corporate Affairs Commission but that is only a matter of time.
Ultimately, when you deprive a people of “essential amenities” – good roads, health facilities, good drinkable water, good eggs, etc – what do you get? Stunted growth – physically and mentally. And the urge for vengeance, assertiveness and well, compensation. When an egg-hungry child becomes angry, he certainly would kidnap the eggs – it doesn’t matter if it has malaria, typhoid or flu. Or if it’s lizard egg. Usually, children have always been the ones who suffer from egg scarcity – artificial or natural. Unfortunately, those in authority always forget that children – symbolic or real – need nourishment. It doesn’t matter if they are from rich or poor homes; they need the ingredients of growth. Just like the Niger Deltans.
The bird flu thing is a call for preparedness. We need to focus on alternative source of protein like soybeans so our children can grow well. Experts say when children are not feed with the right nutrients; they become imbeciles, delinquents, malnourished, angry and well, kidnappers. For instance, the only egg most Niger Delta youths have ever seen is probably from fish. Me? The first time I ate egg was when I went hunting in grandpa’s old hut. All the lizards returned from lunch-break to complain to my mum that their eggs had been stolen. Thank God, it wasn’t in these days of avian flu. But in a way, the owners of the egg weren’t so pleased. To them, it was another kind of flu.
Really, “egg flu” has always been there, from time. It was either you never could afford egg, or your neighbour’s child stole your chicken’s egg. Or the sneaky, hungry dog next dog ate it for lunch. Or the slimy, thieving snake swallowed it for dinner. Whichever way, bird flu or “egg flu” has always been there. And if you care, look at it as another form of kidnapping. Kidnapping the source of life and living. Egg, remember, is a source of life – chicken life. And a source of living to humans – with its rich protein and the proceeds from sales. Whatever affects the egg is like shortening the source of livelihood of the Niger Deltans. And the youths from that area threatening and disrupting the source of living of the expatriates. It goes around and comes around, chikena!
- First published in Saturday Sun of Feb 24, 2006
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