My Wife Has Forgiven My Sins

Every time I’m “broke”, I run to the financial institution in my house – my wife. It’s no big deal, at least, that’s what I usually think. Madam keeps all the money – including my incomes that have refused to come in.  Everything is programmed towards “house keeping.” But when I’m cash-trapped, I borrow from her. After all, it’s my money that she’s keeping, abi?

Okay, whether you agree or not, Madam is in-charge. So powerful has she become in regulating our family “economy” that I’m forced to “service debts” every month. And that always leaves me “broke” and spineless, like Akwa Ibom legislators. Then, as I go back to borrow more, she reminds me of the past.

Me: Honey, how are you this morning?

Madam: Okay. How much do you want this time? (Every time I call her ‘honey’, she grabs her purse. My style is simple: ‘Honey’ means the stake is higher than N10, 000; ‘sugar’ suggests it’s below N5, 000. And ‘salt’ puts it between 50 kobo and N5.)

Me: It’s not like that, honey. Afterall, I gave you the money to keep, sugar? I swear, I’ll pay back with interest, salt!  (That’s when I usually spoil my case. My wife, a very smart woman, becomes extra careful anytime “salt” enters into the bid.) Last week, she threatened to stop further “loan”. Ah! Trust me, I had to prostrate and beg like Fayose’s deputy.

Wife: Yes, you gave me money to keep, and so what? How can you insult me? I’m I no longer your wife?

Me: Ah, ah! Honey, sorry, Sugar?! I said “salt”; not “insult.” You know, you are the “salt” of my pocket, I mean, life. Just give me some millions of naira, sorry, thousands of pounds, I mean, dollars. Oh! Gosh, I am as confused as Nelson Effiong, the Akwa Ibom speaker.

Madam: Okay, dear, I forgive you. But the last money I loaned you wasn’t paid back-o. 

In truth, I’ve borrowed a lot of money from Madam. But you know what? I can’t remember either the dates or the amount involved. We never do that Ngige-Uba agreement thing. Signing. Funny thing is, my money is never considered a “loan”, it’s always “a family affair” – as if I belong to a PDP cult. (Lesson for men: Never ask a woman to “give” you money. She’d never have. “Borrow me” does the trick more than Anenih twists the constitution to suit his whim. Ask a woman for “loan” and money comes from under the carpet, mattress or “bottom box”. Please, don’t tell my wife; it’s our little secret).

Anyway, my own “financial institution” isn’t different from yours. Unless you are not a “real” man. In fact, women are the local IMF and World Bank combined. Check it out. The world financial institutions have grown so powerful, just by loaning out other people’s money. So powerful, they even dictate when Obasanjo sleeps and how many times he kisses Stella. Then, they tell him how many times a day he must raise fuel price. And he can’t call them “total fools” because everybody knows who the real fools are. 

Oh! I forgot. Silly me! I’m supposed to jubilate because Obasanjo got debt relief from Paris Club. Big deal! Who asked him to go to any club in the first place? Oh, oh, oh! So he goes to club? And in far away Paris, for that matter, when there are bigger clubs in Lagos, Port Harcourt, Abuja, etc? In almost all the cities. In any case, did he forget that going to any “club” gulps money? Drinks, for instance, are always so expensive that it’s often advisable to go there with your saliva. 

Obasanjo put us in this “borrowing” trouble in the 70’s, when he was the Head of State. I heard, as a soldier, he tasted a few bottles of French beer at the “Officers’ Mess” and that’s how we got into the mess. On his first official trip to France, he headed to Paris Club. I heard the entourage “over drank” and Baba had to borrow money to pay. I haven’t confirmed that story, so please don’t read it yet. 

Alright, look up. Borrowing is easy, paying back is the problem. Borrowing isn‘t the problem, what you do with the money is. Well, Baba probably put the one he borrowed then in an “Operation” that was supposed to “Feed the Nation” (OFN). Now, some “idiots” claim the people that were eventually fed included Gbenga, Iyabo, Stella and some chickens. They even see a link between OFN and OFN – Obasanjo Farms Nigeria. Ask them what Obasanjo is “farming” Nigeria for and they claim it’s for a third term. As if Baba is the first.

All those who borrowed money on our behalf have always tried to sit tight – to enjoy the loot. IBB tried it. Abacha too. Ironically, our rulers always use “debt servicing” as excuse to fretter away our oil money. While the South-south which lays the golden egg is left bloodied. Pity! Rather than borrow to develop Nigeria, our rulers borrow into their back pockets. And send us back into slavery and the Dark Ages.

Just like your woman, the IMF and World Bank would never “give” you money. They would gladly “loan” you the entire vault so you become “boy-boy”. They call it, regulating the world economy. Some say it’s business. But we know it’s strangulation. They toy with our destiny. 

Our debts may be forgiven, but they should never be forgotten. Why? Our creditors would never forget, so we shouldn’t. Remembering it would help us avoid taking more loans – not even from our women. Instead of borrowing money, we should “rent” enough brains with memory capacity to help our rulers think. For, whatever deal Paris, London or Cotonou Clubs do with us tomorrow might always throw up the past. It’s time we started thinking about developing Ajegunle Club, in Lagos. And then, one in my village, so my people can drink “tombo”.

Okay, I’m jubilating now. Baba has done well. Now, Femi Fani-Kayode has something to add to Obasanjo’s achievements – beside the confusion at the National Conference and the dwindling standard of living. Nigeria’s to enjoy N1.8billion relief every year, from the cancelled debt. And Baba says it would go into health, education and road construction. Commendable dream. But old talk that ranks with deceit and mischief. Didn’t we hear of a similar yarn on fuel tax? And the increasing crude oil prices. Ah! Some of the returned Abacha loot would make our roads a highway to heaven, they said. Our hospitals would now have drugs, instead of drought. Education? We were told teachers would be paid to teach without bribing the Senate. And that students would not only learn to spell democracy dividend, they would also feel it – hence finishing school without selling their grandparents. But, they were all lies. 

Say, what really is there to rejoice in Obasanjo’s debt relief? How would that affect the price of garri (now N6, 000 per bag)? How much of the forgiven debt would feed my neighbour’s dog? Would debt relief make Obasanjo/Anenih obey the constitution? On paper, it’s a good one for television broadcast – that is, if Obasanjo isn’t the one reading the script. But would Baba’s debt relief resuscitate our ailing rail system and comatose agric sector? 

I’d long ago lost the spirit to cheer, except with a beer. I can’t for instance, cheer a man who operates by the constitution in his head. A man who puts “politricks” and intrigues above the rule of law. 

Even if the world pardons all of Nigeria’s sins – PDP’s internal blackmail, corruption, murder, rape of the constitution and all – it won’t reduce fuel price. It can’t change my gray hair to black. Even if our creditors return all the money used to service debts since the 70’s, somebody would put it in the back pocket. Or in a bank, somewhere, waiting for us all to die so he can take it alone to hell. 

Well, I should be glad that Nigeria’s debt’s been forgiven but it makes no difference to me. Truth is, Nigerians are yet to forgive Obasanjo for making life worse. I should be glad that my wife has forgiven my sins, but I’m not. For, if I sin tomorrow, she’d always remind me of yesterday.

• First published in Saturday Sun of  July 9, 2005