Census came up for mention very often during Obasanjo’s civilian tenure. Nigerians got tired of the swan-song. They even “locked” us indoors once to count our houses!
Things are really changing for the better in this country, especially Education. As a kid, I carried heavy slates to school and started counting lessons with sticks. And they called us pupils. These days, even those in adult education classes use better things for counting – houses and human heads! And they get a more dignified name – enumerators. Not counters – o!
Well, I heard some “disgruntled” fellows have been going around counting peoples’ houses. Sometimes, they just write with chalk on your wall and walk away, while you’re watching TV in the sitting room.
Landlord: Hey! Why are you counting my house? And why are you writing on my wall?
Fellow: Sah, I am doing census.
Landlord: Are you a counter or a head hunter?
Fellow: No Sah, I’m Enumerator.
True, I heard these has been on these past days, but I don’t know what it’s about.
Me: Mrs. Enumerator, are you people counting houses or human beings?
Enumerator: Sah, I swear, we are not doing any of those things you mentioned. We are only doing headcount and house enumeration!
Locked in for census
Well, for two days, my wife, kids and other members of my family – cockroaches, rats, geckos, lizards, flies and mosquitoes – waited to be counted – along with all their heads. Nobody showed up, except on TV – usually in the night. Then, they would complain of non-payment of allowances and lack of materials. Each time they say that, I had more reasons to go to work the next day. And, as usual, I took my head along. So, even if anybody visited my home in my absence, there’s no way he could’ve counted my head. What if they decided in my absence to shave my head? If they wanted to count me, maybe I would’ve understood. But my head? Another kettle of fish!
Okay, the enumerators found their way to a friend’s house on the fourth day.
Enumerator: Sah, are you the head of this house?
My Friend: What do you mean? Is it the head you want to count or the house?
Enumerator: We are doing headcount and we would only count the head of the house.
My Friend: Anyway, as you can see, this house has no head. It only has roof.
Enumerator: Okay, is your roof made of zinc or paper? And, did you nail it yourself?
My Friend: If you want newspapers, they fill my toilet.
Enumerator: Sah, you mean you have toilet here? Has it carpet or tiles? And what is the toilet for – wee-wee or pooh-pooh?
Offence? What offence?
General Baba Obasanjo said it was an offence not to be counted. Under Mantu’s constitution, abi? So, wasn’t it an offence to be deceived to stay home for all those days? Wasn’t it an offence for those in charge of logistics to make it impossible for some of us not to be counted? They made some lame excuses about enumerators’ money being in the banks. Liars! Did the exercise come suddenly? Why did someone not withdraw the money to pay the fellows paid as census went on?
The only thing I enjoyed about the census was that all my enemies were indoors. Especially those who scratch my car and curse me daily on Lagos roads for driving slowly; and often indicating before turning off the roads. Only some of us on “essential duties” were on the roads – bread sellers, akara hawkers, and UEFA Championship street footballers!
Now, if we count houses, how come nobody thought of counting cars? By the way, who would count the counters? And when would Nigeria hold a real census, where humans would be counted and not heads?
- First published in Saturday Sun of March 25, 2006
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