Miracle assignment for Bonnke: What is two-third?

‘Miracle assignment for Bonnke: What is two-third?’ targeted all the supports for Obasanjo’s ill-fatd thrid term ambition. It’s an insightful  piece.

Praise God! Hallelujah!! P-r-a-a-a-i-s-e God! H-a-a-a-l-l-eluja!! Children of God, this is testimony time. You see, we have to thank God. Because we are not just the happiest people on earth, we have the biggest miracle market – both in the world and even in space. And, to God be the glory, we are very gullible!

 Tell you what. I can swear on the biggest Bible that we are very blessed. Ask Evangelist Reinhard Bonnke. “Nigeria has been blessed with great resources.” That’s why we have witnessed the greatest come-back in history – performed by Bonnke. He goes and comes back to Nigeria faster than the weather. In fact, the only come-back compared to Bonnke’s is the second coming of Clarion Chukwura and Barbara Soky’s return to ‘active acting’.

 We must thank God because many nations are looking for an opportunity to host a miracle market. In fact, many of them would be glad to give Bonnke citizenship, though he might not make much money there. Give thanks, brothers and sisters, give thanks. You see, because of our “great resources”, which include quest for overnight riches, academic breakthrough without reading, etc; local and international miracles are now flooding the nation, in search of us.  It doesn’t matter that many of them are contrabands. It doesn’t matter that they have no NAFDAC number. By the way, NAFDAC has a new task to grade any miracle assignment.

Brethren, my heart is filled with joy. Once, we were the ones looking for miracles. But, today, when the gullibility market expanded, local miracle-makers thought of a better way of moving the nation forward. At one of the meetings, the ‘local investors’ decided to help President Obasanjo bring in foreign investors. Initially, a few came but could not explore the potentials of the market. They lacked the vision. But thank God for a wonderful man like Bonnke. It took him just one miracle-purveying crusade to realise that Nigeria has “great potentials” that can be exploited.

 Well, there are problems in Nigeria, but that’s not Bonnke’s concern. His major concern is miracle assignment. iProblems must always be there and could sometimes be turned into riches for the smart, amen!? In any case, if there was no problem, it would have been difficult to find people to sell miracles to. If there was no problem, preachers would have died of hunger; because it would have been difficult to lure anybody to search for a divine solution. But, thank God for the likes of Bonnke. A man of ‘vision’ must have a more beneficial focus. “I am not saying there are no problems in Nigeria, but I don’t want to focus on the problems…” said Bonnke. And I agree. It doesn’t make sense to focus on problems when there’s a lot of money to be made from a miracle-crusade.

 Bonnke came with “a message of hope, deliverance and solution”, the same package that brought him uncountable times to Nigeria. And each time Bonnke comes – sometimes thrice a day – my neighbour harasses me for transport money to the miracle-crusade. And each time, he returns with a tale that the man brought a message of hope. So, he has been hoping for a ‘solution’ – job – for the past five years. 

 Still, we have to give thanks. You know why? We have “great resources”. And I’m not just talking about oil, kidnappers and multi-speak politicians. Oh! Our “great resources”, I’m happy to testify, have expanded in magnitude to include EFCC-induced impeachments. In fact, a little bird said Bonnke was actually encouraged by the current political situation  to return this month. He has benefited so much from the social situation – the pervading state-induced poverty. So, when the ‘political rascality’ entered, he had to come to harness the ‘resources.’ The smart Bonnke saw a ready market for his miracle assignment!

 Give thanks, joor! Because this time around, Bonnke’s miracle would definitely include divine solution to our mathematical problems in politics. I heard he has promised to bring an end to the ‘two-third’ confusion and madness that General Obasanjo, as head of state, started in 1979. Till today, there’s no agreement on the two-third that brought President Shehu Shagari to power. Then, Obasanjo returned as President and so did the ‘two-third’ madness. We’ve tried professors of Mathematics, they’ve failed. Scientists have conducted various experiments but can’t come up with a scientific explanation why we can’t arrive at an agreeable two-third.

Politicians have told all the lies. Sometimes, two-third, means 18 law-hawkers, I mean, lawmakers impeaching a governor in Oyo. Well, public outcry may eventually cause runny stomach for Obasanjo, but it doesn’t matter.  Our ‘chop-chop’ politics, better known in Oyo as ‘amala politics,’ would have yielded some dividend for Adedibu and co. Okay, two-third sometimes also means 11 law-marketers, sorry, lawmakers, doing their thing in Anambra – with baby-voiced Peter Obi. Or, six lawbreakers, sorry lawmakers kicking out runaway Dariye in Plateau and all the Federal apparatuses enjoying the joke. 

Two-third has assumed varying dimensions, permutations, interpretations, height and, well, complexions. In fact, two-third has developed wings. It’s now a mystery. Not even a renowned lawyer like Gani Fawehinmi, with all his legal vocabulary, can escape the confusion of two-third. So, he shocked the nation by backing six to remove a governor.  Even herbalists and voodoo-priests have failed to solve the ‘two-third’ problem. They can’t even interpret properly what the gods say about two-third. Psychiatrists too have failed to cure us the ‘two-third’ madness. Bonnke should now  give us the spiritual interpretation of ‘two-third.’ I swear, that is the only miracle Nigeria is waiting for.

You know why? We’ve seen Bonnke and his ilk many times over.  Someone told me that Bonnke has performed countless miracles – including going home with sacks-load of Naira notes. Yet, problems, confusion flood the nation, even at personal levels. Yet, the same people he did miracles for last year, would even attend the next ‘miracle-crusade’, still in search for solution to the same problems that were purportedly solved at the last crusade. That, in itself, is a miracle! I guess if all the problems – including gullibility – were solved, Bonnke and every other merchant-preacher would have lost a market, by now. Which is why Bonnke can’t stay away from Nigeria. Which is why he can’t do ‘miracle crusade’ every day in Germany. The Europeans are not saints, they’ve only outgrown gullibility. They prefer to work, rather than God sending food from heaven through a crusade.

Okay, there may still be some preachers to save souls. But once they mix it with adverts for miracle, I grab my wallet. This rush for miracle has one clear message – some so-called representatives of God have displaced God. They’ve stolen the glory. These days, it’s no longer “God would do it”. It’s now, “my Pastor will do it”; “once you see my Pastor”. No longer “God is wonderful”; it’s “my Pastor is powerful”. It’s no longer message to save souls; it’s now ‘miracles by sowing seeds.’  It’s now miracle for sale. Every airspace on TV is up for miracle. Every church programme now starts with an advert for miracle. But how can anything be a miracle if we already know what to expect?

And how come no miracle-worker has gone into the streets to heal people like the scripture says Jesus did? Why advertise miracle in the name of God to draw a crowd; then rob with sweet, empty words?  Anyway, we have heard all kinds of miracles – waking people from sleep with noise; match-making in churches; giving people jobs like clearing traffic at crusade grounds. We’ve heard all those before. But nobody is yet to give us the spiritual dimension of two-third. Over to you, Bonnke. That’s the only miracle you owe us now. Again, here’s a miracle assignment for Bonnke. 

• First published in Saturday Sun of  Nov 18, 2006