The Power of Moustache

The power of moustache was underestimated until the Indians made it a national symbol. Find the details below:

The Indians recently made a life-changing discovery. Suddenly, life won’t be as mean as it used to be for men who adopt a little transformation. Henceforth, men will be seen as men and nothing less. They can even separate a fight with just a particular look on their faces. Just a twitch!

A manly face holds significant importance, and the Indians are paying good money for it. Their police, for instance, receive 65 cents a month to grow what the French consider a national character: a moustache. Why, you ask? Wait for it – to give them more authority!

You can accuse the Indians of being a third world country, but you can’t accuse them of lacking “native intelligence.” The moustache initiative even has an academic touch. They conducted research and found that hairs across the mouth translate to money and authority. They claimed that policemen with moustaches were “taken more seriously.” But then, Police Superintendent Mayank Jain mentioned the shape and style of the moustache would be monitored “to ensure they did not take on a mean look.” Indian may not have China’s military might, but it has the power of moustache!

Long before the Indians “discovered” the moustache, I had always suspected that God must have been up to something. When I was 12 and noticed the black stuff sticking out of my skin above my upper lip, I almost cried to my mum. However, something told me my Biology teacher wasn’t all that dumb when he said hairs in certain places meant I was growing up. I knew then that God granted me authority through my moustache.

Unveiling gender dynamics and the power of moustache

I gained more insights into the whiskers when a French lady, Jeanne, complained about her husband’s look. The man, an actor, had to shave his moustache for a role, and his wife fumed. “You cannot imagine how it changes him! I no longer recognize him—by day or at night. If he doesn’t let it grow again, I think I should no longer love him.” A moustache, she insisted, was indispensable to a manly face. The bristles intoxicate when they brush against the female face or tickle the necks and lips in kisses. “In fact, a man without a moustache is no longer a man,” Jeanne said, quoting Guy de Maupassant aptly in “The Moustache.”

Well, while a moustache may bestow “authority” and seriousness on a man, like the Indians say, I believe it does more. It could be a good hiding spot. For instance, if President Olusegun Obasanjo had a moustache, he might have secured his wishes regarding the fuel tax and that N10 billion jet. But because there’s nothing to cover the lies, hungry Nigerians easily detect them, forever reading the politicians’ lips.

On the other hand, a moustache, if mishandled, could betray its owner. A keen observer could notice it twitch when it shouldn’t. That may just act as another lie detector, you know.

A person without a moustache often appears deceptively innocent. Boyish, even. People rarely take them seriously when it comes to business or other affairs. Perhaps that’s why they often struggle to have their words taken seriously. If, for instance, El Rufai had a heavy moustache, the Senate might have taken him seriously when he accused Zwingina and Mantu of demanding bribes for his clearance as Minister.

The power of moustache: A historical perspective

Obasanjo, Ibrahim Babangida, Femi Fani-Kayode, Muhammadu Buhari, Victor Attah, etc., probably wouldn’t face as much bad press if they sported moustaches. There’s something in their looks that gives them away – and the public can’t afford to gamble with such innocent appearances.

If the moustache is too thin—like a pencil line—it gives off the worst impression. Ask Chris Uba. Conversely, a thick moustache marks you as a conservative in the crowd. Some might even suspect you of being a terrorist, questioning your every move. Yet, those in this category often appear more historical. Just check out all the inventors of old, the philosophers, and even the religionists. Today, Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein are easier to identify than George Bush or Tony Blair.

A frightful, overhanging moustache often conceals weakness. It hides kindness and gentleness that savor of timidity. The moderate-moustache guy usually plays the underdog. He gets pushed around a bit, but ultimately, he makes it to the top and stays there.

Watch James Ibori and Sam Egwu. Then, you’ll believe that the moustache is essential. Someone once claimed that a lip without a moustache is like a body without clothing. Yes, moustache provides shape and character to the face.  Moustache grants a man a gentle, tender, or even violent look. It can make him a monster, a rake, or even enterprising! That’s the unmatched power of moustache!

 Moustache as a cultural identity

Most men in history grew the stuff: Hitler, Herbert Macaulay, Jesus, etc. The size and shape varied with their popularity or notoriety. Don’t forget that history isn’t particularly about good or bad; it focuses on recording events and their makers.

For a hairy man to appear refined, he must shave off his whiskers. Otherwise, his features remain concealed; the jaw and chin reveal a great deal. Yet, the moustache guy retains his peculiar expression and refinement simultaneously.

Come to think of it, there are as many “faces” of moustaches as there are mouths! I suggest Obasanjo establish a “Moustache Monitoring Commission” (MMC). Wole Soyinka, Liyel Imoke, Bolaji Akinyemi, Alex Akinyele, Sam Egwu, or even Lucky Igbinedion could head the body, their heavy whiskers serving as the first criterion.

The Commission’s terms of reference should include branding the whiskers. For starters, we can easily identify Herbert Macaulay’s telephone-handle type, the Akinyele’s, the Mungo Park’s, the Leon Sullivan’s, the Igbinedion’s pencil line, and the 419-type. Nobody should be allowed to grow the thing haphazardly. In fact, we might consider implementing a “moustache tax.” Only those from wealthy homes should sport one!

A perfect status symbol

Against all odds and detractors of our nonsense—sorry, nascent democracy—moustaches could become a point of pride among the elite. A status symbol. A class determiner! Isn’t it a perfect way to identify class and status?

To the French, a moustache is a national identity. They view it as a national insignia that came from their ancestors, the Gauls. They consider it boastful, gallant, and brave. It sips wine gracefully and laughs with refinement, while broad-bearded jaws come off as clumsy. The French adore the whiskers, and now the Indians are joining the league of moustache worshippers. We, too, can benefit from this “scarce resource.” How about a moustache allowance for our legislators? That would indeed help in national development, abi?

• First published in Saturday Sun of  Feb  07, 2004