If Attah was a hangman…

If Attah was a hangman, and the succession were constitutional and hereditary… Akwa Ibom purse would have gone to his son-in-law, and nobody would shed a tear.

If you’re one of those scratching your head over why Nigeria has a shortage of everything—security, food, justice, morality, good leaders—you haven’t heard the latest. Please, keep this under your hat! I heard there’s even a scarcity of hangmen!

Recently, when Saddam Hussein faced a death sentence by hanging in Iraq, a battalion of hangmen rushed to the village square for an urgent meeting. According to my earphones, the chairman of hangmen posed a simple question: “Who will hang Saddam?” Oddly enough, nobody stepped up. Why? Because everyone chimed in at once! The response, I’m told, sounded like “a battalion of cacophony.” Ultimately, they picked the quiet ones to do the job. In a fit of rage, they strangled the man to death and showcased it on TV!

No hangman in sight!

But in Nigeria, things unfold differently. When King Kong—sorry, King Hang! I mean Reverend King—got a similar sentence, someone boldly declared he’d live to be a hundred. Why? No hangman in sight!

I hear hundreds of condemned convicts are twiddling their thumbs, waiting for the hangman, who has seemingly gone on an extended vacation to recover from his last assignment. So yes, there’s a real scarcity of hangmen. Strangely, no one has informed the convicts or the nation that there’s a vacancy for such a vital role. Word is, the only guy willing to do the job takes ages to make sacrifices to the gods before hanging someone. He practices with chickens during Christmas and with rams during Ileya. Then, he spends a year appeasing the spirit of the last person he hanged. Sometimes, he even offers ogogoro and pepper to the spirits and chats with them all night! By the time he’s ready to hang again, he’s usually too old to bother. Or worse, he’s dead!

I think the government is doing a disservice to a potentially thriving career. Why can’t Obasanjo or the governors appoint hangmen like they appoint Chief Judges? It’s frustrating that a role which could help eliminate bad politicians lacks a credible process for succession or enrollment!

Blame the hangman for everything!

So, when you can’t find meat on Easter Day, you know whom to blame—the hangman! If he had been around to ‘hang’ the cows, we wouldn’t face a meat shortage. No fuel? Point the finger at the hangman! If he hadn’t hung the prices and the nozzles, I wouldn’t be peeing into my fuel tank each morning. Is there injustice in the land?  Guess who’s responsible. The hangman! I guess if he hadn’t ‘hanged’ the people’s rights, we wouldn’t have so many ‘leftists’ around. If political chaos erupts after party primaries or elections, you guessed it—the hangman! If that selfish guy hadn’t ‘hanged’ the people’s will, we’d have fewer problems.

I propose that hangmen—even if they are just one-and-a-half left—should band together. Call it the Hangmen’s Association of Nigeria (HAN) or something snazzier. For heaven’s sake, do something to safeguard your careers! Insist on constitutional protection. Since blood scares many people, why not enshrine ‘hangmanship’ as a hereditary position in the constitution? That way, no one would dare challenge the officeholder. Welcome to the monarchy of hangmen!

The hangmen’s dilemma

In this age of counterfeit products and dubious claims, even NAFDAC couldn’t spot impostors in the field. Imagine if JJ Okocha declared himself a ‘hangman’—who could argue? He promised to ‘hang’ up his boots after last year’s World Cup qualifiers, but does that make him a ‘hangman’? I know a guy who makes clothing ‘hangers’—is he a ‘hangman’? A pilot could also claim the title if he’s hanging from a harness below the wing of a plane without an engine. It’s called ‘hang gliding,’ right? You could even declare yourself a ‘hangman,’ especially if you hesitate to give madam her feeding money. And don’t forget, madam can lay claim to being a ‘hangman’ too—she’s been ‘hanging in there’ through thick and thin!

Every Nigerian could stake a claim to being a ‘hangman’ after ‘hanging onto’ the hope of a better future. But the masses can’t compete with politicians who ‘hang out’ daily at our expense. They accumulate the national cake and then nurse a ‘hangover’ of power. Yes, during election time, the electorate ‘hang together.’ Yet, there’s still a shortage of ‘hangmen.’ Why?

If the job were hereditary, everyone might relax. Except, of course, the hangman and his family. But it would be constitutional, right? No more disputes over succession—unlike what’s happening in Akwa Ibom. Once respectable adults are acting like clowns, just like some PDP guber aspirants in Akwa Ibom. Picture this: after the 2003 election, Chief Don Etiebet and Dr. Ime Umanah couldn’t see eye-to-eye with Attah. But now, having flunked the primaries, they’re ‘hanging out’ with Attah at the Governor’s Lodge in Abuja!

Who Are the Stakeholders?

Hold on! Did I hear some clowns mention a stakeholders’ meeting? Yet, no one invited my grandma or even my dog. Who the heck are the stakeholders in Akwa Ibom? The last time I checked, none of them held anything, not even a yam ‘stake.’ Instead, they all have their eyes on the public till. Who are the stakeholders without us? I heard these so-called stakeholders have been hunting for a fellow named ‘consensus.’

True? True! How absurd! Ime Umanah claims he’s the consensus candidate. Ibok Essien says the same. Udoma Bob Ekarika insists his nickname is ‘consensus,’ and Don Etiebet swears his last title in PDP was ‘consensus’! Fine, let’s call them all Messrs Consensus. But didn’t the PDP declare it has chosen its governorship candidate? Please, let there be peace in Akwa Ibom. We still have over 40 parties. If rejected by the PDP, move on to another one. Just let peace reign!

Yet, they all say ‘no.’ Including the Governor. And that has me pondering. If Attah was a hangman, and the succession were constitutional and hereditary, wouldn’t that solve my headache without Panadol? He could pass the Akwa Ibom purse to his son-in-law, and nobody would shed a tear. Later, the same purse—empty or not—could be handed down to his grandson. And then another grandson—until they all feast on the pie. Eventually, when all the sons and sons-in-law are exhausted, pass Akwa Ibom to his great-granddaughter, etc. Maybe someday, someone would be wise enough to rename the state ‘Attah Dynasty’ or ‘Attah State!’

Hanging the people’s will

For now, Akwa Ibom is a state in a so-called democratic Nigeria. So, why is Attah trying to ‘hang’ the will of the people? Why impose a selfish agenda of ‘I’-will over ‘we’-will? If he’s too busy to remember anything, someone should remind him of his own words: “As a person, I will not handpick who is going to be the next governor of Akwa Ibom State. Akwa Ibom people will pick their governor. I will spell out the necessary attributes of a governor. Governance is no longer just about receiving allocations; it’s a very intellectual affair now.”

Now, Attah seeks compensation in the form of a governorship candidate for stepping down for Yar’Adua, as if the people of Akwa Ibom requested him to waste money campaigning in every village head’s palace across Nigeria. Isn’t it enough compensation to be remembered as a statesman who put his people’s interests above his own?

Attah has done a few things right and should allow us to cherish those memories even after he leaves office. He should stop acting as the ‘hangman’—trying to hang the people’s wishes and the ambitions of his former ‘student,’ Godswill Akpabio. Whatever Akpabio may be today—good or bad—Attah played a part in shaping him!

• First published in Saturday Sun on January 20, 2007.