My head is not ‘kwarekt’!

My head is not “kwarekt”! I just discovered this morning while passing by my bedroom mirror. This might explain why I can hardly remember things—like my age and the last sentence I just wrote. Sometimes, when I want to find out if I’m aging, I simply ask my children how old they are!

According to one study in the United States, the average adult male’s head is about 57cm (22 1⁄2 in). For women, it’s about 55cm (21 3⁄4). But mine? It’s bigger than my pride, fuel prices, and all the Nigerian “palliatives” combined!

Coconut water in my head

Since that revelation, I’ve been to several hospitals for scans. One result showed my big head is filled with coconut water. I expected to find school fees or bills inside! The doctor then told me my head is why I struggle with terms like “maintenance of the ozone layer!”

For immediate relief, I thought about visiting Odumeje’s church. But I found out he was in the UK, trying to gain more power through comic singing. Plus, I couldn’t even pronounce “Sanctum Sanctorum” properly!

The only solution to my condition, according to the doctor (who I suspect is a quack), is to travel to Benue State for a proper “head examination.” This left me confused. Whose head needed examination? Was it the head of the Benue state government? That would mean the governor!

The Ozone Layer mystery

I probably proved the doctor right when I returned to him with more questions. He explained that if I could understand “maintenance of the ozone layer,” my situation would improve. “But sir,” I asked, “what does that have to do with Benue State and head examination?”

“Go to the Benue State Board of Internal Revenue Service and ask for Mrs. Mimi Orubibi. She’s the chairman of that Board. She’ll explain what her media assistant meant by ‘maintenance of the ozone layer,’” the doctor said.

Further digging revealed that the Benue state government has been taxing citizens N50,000 yearly for electricity generating sets. Businesses pay N150,000 across the state. This seems senseless, you might think.

However, the Board chairman’s media aide kindly explained: “These levies help maintain the ozone layer to prevent natural disasters.”

To help my empty skull, one nurse said, “It’s not just Odumeje who performs miracles. Benue State does wonders too, like controlling natural disasters!”

The doctor claimed that once I understand how the Benue State Government intends to control the ozone layer—about 30 kilometers above the earth—I’d grasp other names for corruption. That’s when he’d certify my head as “kwarekt” again!

*This article was written in May, 2024.