Down with rumours

‘Down with rumours’ ridicules government’s “audio achievements.”  It also takes a look at laws against rumours once initiated by the  Zamfara State government. You would enjoy the satire to the fullest.

Last week, those frightening words we had learnt to forget returned: coup, coup scare,  national security, national interest, etc.  Then,  the powers-that-be contradicted themselves – leaving us more confused. The army claimed there was no coup, everything  was “rumour.” And the Federal Government  dug up a bureaucratic jargon –  “breach of security.” Was that to deceive us? Break it down please! “I don’t  want to talk about rumour,” said the Chief of Army Staff, Lt General Martin Agwai.

So, why did his men “abduct”   detained Al-Mustapha? Why were about 200 persons, including bankers, 419 suspects,  civilians, serving and retired military men arrested?  Why should the overlords create panic as a subterfuge to suffocate us the poor captives of power? Indeed, it appears  the Federal Government  and military authorities pointedly precipitated the coup rumour to get at, not only Mustapha, but all of us prisoners and victims of this power game they have wrongly christened democracy!

Those of us on this side Fela Anikulapo-Kuti called “suffer-heads” hate rumours a lot. Especially, when it has a deeper implication for our welfare. Hence, it hurts us when the authorities engage in actions  that frighten our souls and threaten our beings. If, indeed, there was no coup moves, then the government has only succeeded in raising the dormant coup consciousness in Nigerians. Perhaps, the authorities, conscious that the hardship it has dished out to the masses is enough to attract a coup, were just trying to attract our sympathy? But then, rumour isn’t good for my blood pressure! Imagine! Last week,  rumour almost caused the world revered  dollar a “cardiac arrest.” Mere words that  the US Federal Reserve chairman, Alan Greenspan, had  heart attack was enough to push the strong currency down – below the euro and Swiss francs. It can be that disrespectful! Down–pulling. It actually kills.

There’s always something “deceptive” about rumours. Directs you a different way, while the reality is in another. Hence, we thrive on official and unofficial rumours.  Of recent, the mill has been very active, churning out rumours of all sorts. From the local mint came the “wild” brew about  polio vaccines causing HIV. Then,  government   deceived us that  investors have been trooping into Nigeria. Some even  rumoured about General Olusegun Obasanjo’s third term and that we would have a budget in the first half of the year. At a point, somebody ever said we would soon start enjoying the dividend of democracy. When we do not even have a democracy? And then, Tafa Balogun, the Police IG, spread the one about robbers’ stray bullet killing Chief Aminasoari Dikobo. Mere rumours! Thank God,  Alhaji Ahmed Sani Yerima has the antidote!

Soon, very, very soon, this society would be quiet – if we apply his solution. It’s called Rumour and Rumour Mongering Prohibition and Punishment Law.  And, if you feel like a three-year  jail term with extra 40 strokes, try your luck in Zamfara. This same innovative Yerima  started the Sharia campaign and it caught on in the Northern states. Now, when the “rumour law” is stretched nationwide, even bus conductors in Lagos would be out of job. For, most of them call a particular location only to change their minds on the way. Is that not rumouring? Even those in government  might find it difficult to feed us with rumours, while wasting our money on frivolities.  The much vaunted “good intentions” and policies that we never get to feel the impact constitute official rumours. All the defaulters should be canned publicly. The Murtala (Mohammed) style.

Rumours encompass dishonesty, trickery, ruse, fraud, sham, con. Rumours sometimes raise our hopes to high heavens and dash when reality sets in. Just like Ngozi Okonjo-Iwaela peddled rumour about the 2004 budget. Fresh from the World Bank, she probably thought things work here by the touch of the computer. So, in November 2003, she promised us a budget by January, 2004. Now, we are in April. Without knowing, she sold us rumours.

Rumours,  I’m told, is a report or statement without facts to confirm its truth. No reliability. Like our legislators. Now, they are threatening to “tackle” the emperor over the budget. But then, with a little Easter bonus, the song might change. Anyway,  the delay gives  some of us excuses for our inadequacies. For instance, it is easy to deny my wife feeding money because the budget has not been approved, abi?

Businesses are stagnant because everybody is waiting for the budget. Unfortunately, our outcry has no impact on the president.  Last week,  Mrs Remi Oyo, General Olusegun Obasanjo’s image maker, said  protests spreading through New York, Chicago, Los Angeles, Washington, New Jersey, California, etc,  did not worry  the man.  Was she peddling rumour about Baba? After all, those Nigerians in Diaspora demonstrated because they want infrastructure here. How then can we attract the much talked about investors if Obasanjo “does not mind” what  our people do abroad?

If rumour is evil, spreading it is worse. Send the “evil doers” to hell. Now, anybody who directly accuses Obasanjo and PDP of “anti-democratic agenda” like the Afenifere did last week, should be jailed for “spreading rumour”. Afenifere  said, “The Obasanjo administration has instituted a full-blown dictatorship.”

Really? Yet, blinded by ethnic sentiment, it backed Obasanjo’s second term, like Chief Ayo Adebanjo confirmed recently. Now, have Afenifere members not been listening to the president’s speeches?  Aren’t they aware that Obasanjo sees himself as the  best thing to have happened to Nigeria? Everyday now, he reminds us that Nigeria was a pariah nation until he took over in 1999. And he claims he has restored hope. But to who?  Then, there is the rumour that we have been  restored into the comity of nations.  Yet, that  “rumour” has not yet made things easier for the masses.

The evidence of our acceptance is there for all to see. Our ratings from the “oyiboman” are ever rising. We are the world’s happiest people. We are the most corrupt nation.  And now, after we killed our brother, Morris Ibekwe, we got the only recognition slot in the whole of Africa, for encouraging “money laundering”! In spite of our recent  Money Laundering Law?

It appears Nigeria has a problem of believability. It says a lot about our credibility. We mouth so much platitudes yet end up spreading rumours – official and otherwise.  We always have leaders “with  good intentions” that are never  actualised. The claim of “good intention” therefore, is a rumour. The fact is what we experience daily; what we see. The pain, the hunger, the impoverishment in the land. Not coded jargons meant to fool us; not cooked up coup stories.

I suggest the Zamfara “rumour law” should go national – covering all kinds of deception. And I’m sure the first culprits would be those in the corridors of power. Amen!

• First published in Saturday Sun of  April 10, 2004