Picking a new Pope is a very sensitive exercise. It’s political, too. Beats me how Nigerians expect “white” smoke to produce a “black” Pope. (This is from the archives)
Since Tuesday night, I’ve been “fasting.” Even when I took Panadol, I’ve had no dull moment in my thinking. Fast talking. I’ve been fast thinking. Fast tracking. I even found myself driving very fast – a clear sign that I was fasting – in anger. To make matters worse, I couldn’t eat much when I got home.
In fact, I got so disturbed that all I could manage were only six cups of garri. And since I don’t drink any alcohol, I only managed four bottles of beer – to drown my anger. I swear I drank only the liquid content. Just like the advert advises. But when I found out an idiot had filled the bottles with water, I returned the containers to the woman who runs the bar near my house. And guess what? She refused to return my money, and I felt like drowning her in a glass of liquor.
Well, it’s not that there was anything serious for me to be angry about. It’s just that, as a patriotic fool, I had to do it on some people’s behalf. You know, as a humanitarian, I couldn’t just allow them to carry all the frustration alone. Watching a white smoke can be frustrating, you know. I mean, here they were, struggling with the problems of not being able to feed their dogs and children, in that order. Suddenly, they were faced with the reality that Nigeria failed to produce the next Pope, after John Paul II.
I was angry on their behalf because all the rosaries they counted, sometimes up to “seventy counts” – like EFCC – was in vain. They kept begging Mary to pray for Arinze to become Pope. But Mary must have been so busy somewhere. Hence, Mary forgot to campaign on our behalf. Well, maybe Nigerians even forgot that Mary wasn’t a cardinal. And could never make it to the Conclave, where all the cult politics of the Catholic Church plays out on who becomes the most powerful religious leader in Christendom.
Nigerians like to live in a fool’s paradise. They call it hope. Castle in the wind. Ostrich style. We are so gullible when it comes to religion. Some would swallow everything, including “Otapiapia” with a religious link. No need for NAFDAC number. They spent hours watching for the white smoke with hope.
Religion or not, the developed world still has its prejudice against the Blacks. Why should a Pope be picked by smoke? Black when the process fails; white when it succeeds. Why must they always equate black to evil and failure?
The G7 nations would never feel comfortable leaving the headquarters of Christianity to a Nigerian. It doesn’t matter if Arinze was born in the Vatican, the economic powers would still feel he would load all the religious artifacts on the next container to Nigeria. And they might even fear the guy would start praying to God in Igbo, an alien language to their God. In the Catholic Church, I’m told, God only understands Latin. The way the God of Islam only understands Arabic. The new Pope Benedict 16th speaks ten languages and I would swear by my big head that none is African.
There are so many fears that would make it impossible for a Nigerian to become a Pope. I doubt if Arinze would have chosen a name like Benedict 16th. What for? I see him with a name like Arochukwu 1st. These days, there’s hardly any Igbo title that doesn’t have one after it. Nobody is second, third or a distant 16th in Igboland when it comes to titles.
Anyway, the powers-that-be wouldn’t have given it to Arinze, even if he built the Basilica. Forget white smoke! They probably suspected our man would have asked all the other cardinals to bring him “welfare packages” – the Osuji way. Oh, it doesn’t matter that in Germany, monasteries are like “tombs.” Well, at least a German philosopher, Nietzsche, said so, when he pronounced God dead. The developed world would rather give it to a German than a Nigerian.
In fact, instead of allowing a Black face to “stain” St Peter’s Basilica, they would have picked an American. It wouldn’t matter if the guy was weird enough to invite Michael Jackson home later. Either for music or for “touching” male private parts. Or “blessed” all the nuns with spirit-inspired pregnancy. Or ordained gay priests so that nobody would get pregnant. Anything to keep the Papacy from a Nigerian. They would have even given it back to the Italians, despite their drug mafia reputation. It was their preserve once.
Picking a new Pope is much more than carrying a former Pope’s reading glass case. True, Arinze was close to the former Pope. They even drank Roman tea together. But I never believed the College of Cardinals would pick him. Not because he was not qualified, but because he committed the offence of being Black. And being a Nigerian. There’s still a lot of politics in the Church. In fact, real politics started from the Catholic Church. Beats me how Nigerians expected “white” smoke to produce a “black” Pope.
Now, change gear. Sweet dreams. The world wants an African Pope. Nigeria has two Black faces in the conclave. One, an Igbo man called Arinze. The other, an Edo man called Okogie – with a strong Yoruba link. The voting would start in Nigeria, to streamline the choices. Note: it’s not as if the choices are as large as an ocean, but they must be reduced to a “stream.” Take one from two. Both men are eligible, by the Vatican law, even though Okogie’s name is still fresh on the list of cardinals. Now, how many Igbo persons would vote Okogie? And how many Edo persons would vote Arinze? I swear, that’s where the first confusion would have started, hands up.
Now that Ganiu Adams and Fredrick Fasheun have reconciled, OPC would have gathered more force to chant war songs. They would have sent some of us out of Lagos, so they can claim Okogie. You see, when there’s problem with the so-called “Big Three” ethnic groups, they always count me, a poor Bakassi fellow, as an Igboman. As if Igbo people need a fool, who can’t even count his fingers. Or have heart enough to cheat his mother out of her breast milk. Then sell it back to her without NAFDAC clearance.
Anyway, MASSOB would have staged a football match to protest the “marginalisation” of Arinze. And the police would have arrested all the pregnant women on the streets. And some of us who dared to watch the match on AIT or Minaj stations. Eventually, somebody would have either invited Chris Uba, Abel Guobadia or Tafa Balogun to help rig the election. Come on, wake up. Papacy isn’t for the materialists.
Okay, so we all waited eagerly for the election of the new Pope. Now, how many Nigerians would have watched the selection of an Okija Shrine priest? The Catholic cardinals swore to an oath of secrecy. But if we swear at an Okija shrine, it becomes an issue. WAEC lesson on liberal studies: Every organisation has its rules and secrets. Unless to members of a particular order, everything done there is a secret. Call it a secret society and we’ll forgive your ignorance.
Selecting a Pope is like madness. Very demanding. Spiritual. With occult ring. But then, very political; because it’s not for everybody. Yet, they deceive us that the Pope is for the world. Then, how come this part of the world has never produced one?
- First published in Saturday Sun of April 23, 2005
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