Bad government shows up in various forms of poverty, hardship and lack of other relevant social services. It can lead to pipeline neglect, vandalisation and mass death. The revelation is in the crucial details.
The first time I knew that fire could burn, I was in secondary school. Class One. I was in a hurry to leave for school, one fine morning. Still, I had to eat the left-over food from the previous night. And that meant it had to be warmed – sometimes, I wonder who made that law. But I had no patience to wait for the logs to catch the fire slowly. So, I poured mentholated spirit into the fire and the magic was done. The fire sprang to life. But, in the wrong place – my shirt!
I shouted and pranced about like a he-goat on heat. No help in sight. Ah! If Samson could kill a lion with bare hand, couldn’t I kill fire? If Moses could divide the sea with a stick, why couldn’t I? Ah! In desperation, I divided the fire into two with my bare hands – by tearing my shirt. What a feat! But, after that, I learnt a lesson many Nigerians have refused to – stay away from fire.
In fact, that informed the current notice outside my gate. While many Lagosians proudly hang: ‘Beware of Dog’ or ‘Beware of Snake’ on their gates, mine is ‘Beware of Fire’! Anyway, that experience also made me cautious of anything that contains spirit – alcohol, churches and even human beings.
My fear
Today, I’m so scared of fire that I refuse to enter the kitchen. Except to steal my baby’s food. And when NEPA(power holders of Nigeria) withholds power, I stay in darkness. Because I refuse to strike a match. Once, I saw one red glow in the kitchen and madam said it’s called cooker. Does it burn? She said, sometimes. There’s another she calls stove. And, since I discovered that they all carry fire that burn, I’ve never looked into that kitchen gain, I swear.
I’m so afraid of ‘spirit’ that I suspect anything liquid – except my saliva. And my urine. For instance, when rain falls and everywhere floods, I lift my car and jump on the nearest dry spot. Who knows? Somebody might strike a match and ignite the whole street. Who wants to be burnt by another ‘spirit fire’? Certainly, not me.
Urine therapy
You see, my fear got worse when I learnt that petrol is liquid. That it contains spirit. And, oh God, it is used to drive car. And, ah! It causes pipeline fire! So, whenever there’s petrol scarcity, I park my car. Or drive it like that, unless it is absolutely necessary. I see that as a means of preservation – for my money, my car and myself! Or I use the late Elizabeth Kafaru’s ‘urine therapy’ to drive the car!
The other day, my boss christened his baby and I had to attend. My wife was so worried because we had no fuel and the traffic was unkind. But, we got there eventually. For once, I was not worried and that surprised madam. Unknown to her, I had a plan. On our way back, I parked on the expressway and urinated into my fuel tank. Please, don’t tell anybody –o. That is actually why I drink plenty water, every time – like fish. The car jerked a few times but it took us home. And that gave me an idea. I don’t really have to wait for Bank PHb before dreaming of driving a car with water, abi? I can actually sell my urine, can’t I? That way, there would be no risk of pipeline fire – whether at Jesse or Abule Egba.
Bad government ignites pipeline fire
Don’t get me wrong, pipeline fire is ok. Like the recent one at Abule Egba, a Lagos suburb. Call it one of Obasanjo’s legacies or achievements, that is your business. All I know is that pipeline fire occupies a prominent place on the CV of Nigeria. It gives us global recognition and even made Pope Benedict to send us greetings. And to discuss our leadership (and lack of it) predicament with God.
You see, pipeline fire started being our yearly ritual since our leaders packed everything good inside ‘the pipeline.’ When we ask for good roads, they say ‘it’s in the pipeline.’ We ask for steady power supply, they say ‘it’s in the pipeline.’ We cry for safe and affordable means of travel, they say, ‘it’s in the pipeline.’ Soon, the pipelines, being overloaded, began to rupture.
Fuel and naked light?
And some smart guys – including government officials, area boys, professional politicians, smuggling-contractors – decided to help the government and NNPC to ‘store’ the leaking fuel. But only God knows who among them always goes to the ‘site’ with naked light! And in the daytime, too!
Each time a fuel pipe bursts, NNPC and security agents claim ignorance. Yet, some of their officials sometimes die in the resulting inferno. And the government is often warned of the rupture points before the disasters. Soon after, someone blames it on an ‘innocent’ fellow named ‘vandal.’ Funny enough, after all these years, even a combined team of the Police, Navy, Army, Air force, Immigration, Customs, EFCC, ICPC, LASTMA, FERMA, FRSC, etc, has not been able to arrest Mr Vandal. Why? While hundreds of others die in the inferno, Mr Vandal always survives to scoop petrol from another broken NNPC pipe. Sometimes, a very short distance from the point of the last human ‘burnt offering.’ How does he do it?
Poor maintenance, sign of bad government
Ok, Mr Vandal has been breaking all the NNPC pipes. And I learnt the same pipe conveys diesel and petrol at different times. So, how come it’s only when petrol is pumped that Mr Vandal breaks the pipes? Hey! ‘Oga’ NNPC, bring out the insider who leaks information whenever petrol is ‘in the pipeline,’ chikena! In this recurring pipeline fire, I blame you- the NNPC. You – the police. You – the Minister of Petroluem, General Olusegun Obasanjo. And even you – the ‘burnt offering.’
NNPC has ignored the pipes for years. There’s hardly any maintenance or proper monitoring aimed at ensuring sustained durability. When the bad government ignores the pipes over the years, they burst someday. If police clear road for robbers on the highway in exchange of N20, why won’t they easily provide plastics for scooping of fuel in exchange of N50?
And, while that goes on, our minister of Petroleum plays ‘kalo-kalo’ with the PTDF and NNPC. We never have the privilege of knowing how much the nation makes from oil. Even the PTDF that would have salvaged the damaged pipelines, now funds deep private pockets.
Death by fuel fire
Still, Nigerians ought to stay away from burst fuel pipes. Well, somebody said Nigerians scoop fuel because of poverty. Isn’t that silly! Okay, let all those who died in all the pipeline fire incidents try deceiving God with that excuse. Check out the list. October, 1998: At least 1,000 killed in Jesse, Delta State. March 2000: At least 50 killed in Abia State. July 2000: About 300 killed in Warri. June 2003: Not less than 105 killed in Abia State. September 2004: At least 60 killed in Lagos. Dec 2004: About 20 killed in Lagos. December 2006: About 700 died in Lagos.
Now that they are dead in the fire, are they richer? They only end up making themselves ‘burnt offerings’ for our bad rulers. As for me, no matter the poverty, I shall never be a ‘burnt offering’ for anybody.\
- First published in Saturday Sun of Dec 30, 2006
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