I hereby apologise to myself on behalf of all those who promised to die, if Nigeria failed to qualify for Germany 2006. I have since found out that they have a few difficulties fulfilling their pledges. For one,  “otapiapia”, I learnt, has been in short supply. Another problem arose from their refusal to take advantage of a recent sales promotion: “Buy two coffins; get one free.”

Ah! I also heard they couldn’t book spaces in the cemetery. Not even near the spot Nigerian football was buried. Yet, the greatest huddle, I’m told, has been their inability to extract consent from their family members.

Son: Dad, I want to die because Nigeria did not qualify for the World Cup. But the silly undertakers insist you must sign the consent form.

Father: I will never sign such a thing. Give it to your mum. In any case, how can you say you want to die for Nigeria when you are not El-Rufai? Even El Rufai was only boasting. If he meant it, why has he not stood in front of a moving bulldozer?

Nigerian’s easily get sentimental. Especially, when it comes to religion, patriotism and well, football.  Yes, many of us love football, so far as we’re not the ones on the pitch. We prefer to play it in front of the TV sets, in boardrooms, at bus stops or even in the bedrooms. But then, none of those can take the nation to the World Cup, or can they?

Going to the World Cup is very simple. Just kick the ball from the centre  into the goalpost.  Problem is, some footballers miss the most crucial chances even when they are alone on the pitch. Why? Conceit. Then, last minute panic. That’s what makes our Eagles super, I swear.

It was nice to  see a million-dollar tears when Nigeria crashed out. Hey! I thought it was possible to pay a fool like me to cry for the rich. Nwankwo Kanu cried. But Obafemi Martins wept. Now, did Obafemi not do “shakara” once when invited to play for Nigeria? Ha! Serves him right! He watched his first chance of playing at the World Cup slip away like a baby’s saliva. See you another time, if at all. And thank you! Now, who loses between  them and me? At least I can watch the competition without breaking my chair with tension and anticipation, abi?

Well, what’s really the big deal about the World Cup, anyway? Kanu, Martin, Okocha or whoever can buy whatever  cup he wants, can’t he? So why cry for this particular one? We ought to charge them for public display of what belongs to the crocodile. But, I apologise, if you witnessed those tears. 

I’ve just learnt why Col Musa Mohammed, former Sports Minister, had problem with Christian Chukwu – the coach who sold his dignity. A simple misunderstanding of “business.” Mohammed, a Hausaman, thought it was better to produce suya with the hide meant for football. But Chukwu, an Igboman, worried more about how to export the leather. Then, Ibrahim Galadima, the NFA boss, was busy calculating the exchange rate in the black market. While our football suffered. One fool said the “estacode” from the endless trips abroad for a foreign coach ended with the mallams. 

Do a little Mathematics, you block-head. Mohammed + Galadima+ Chuckwu = Perfect Murder (of Nigerian football). Chikena! 

Okay, our swollen-headed footballers showed their weights too. Playing like pregnant grandmas. Or feigning injury every time they stretched. So, they fumbled in Kano, when Angola came calling – just to prove a point. Why then is everybody lamenting now? I apologise, if they assaulted your ears with any bogus explanation. 

Sani Kaita, a new Eagles call up, promised us suicide if Nigeria didn’t go to the World Cup. I’m still waiting. Ah! What  recklessness! Was it overexcitement or naivety?  Was that patriotism or stupidity? My only worry is that he has nothing worth inheriting – except his corpse.  I apologise if Kaita wakes tomorrow to find out he’s still alive.  I’ll flogged him with  straw if he doesn’t apologise to his parents for such stupidity. Nonsense!

Kaita and his kind should have learnt from those who swore they would die if Abacha didn’t become our civilian head. Abacha died and they changed their minds. Today, the same idiots talk about integrity, forthrightness and all nonsense virtues. How can I ever trust a man who can’t keep a simple promise made in public? A simple a thing like swallowing a little quantity of concentrated acid. Or Otapiapia. Promise, they say, is a debt, abi? Okay,  Denise Robins says it’s forever.

Okocha said he would quit international football. But then, that doesn’t mean much. The guy is already old in the game, anyway. The oldest in the team,  abi? And very rich. So what has he got to lose? Now, he’s undecided…“needs sometime to decide…” But why? Kanu said he would quit the Eagles. But he’s just changed his mind. Yet, if they had played Nigeria’s previous matches the way they played the last two, they would have smiled everywhere. To Germany, new clubs and to the  banks. I would have only smiled to bed, see?

Optimism only works on a prepared foundation. So does football. Nigeria had no solid base, yet, many thought they could bribe God with half-hearted prayers and sentiments. As if God is a footballer. Or must be partial only for our sake. “God is a Nigerian,” they said. Now, they know that God has multiple-citizenship. Like any other sport, football has nothing to do with  faith. It takes training, dogged training. Determination. Dedication. Planning. Scheming. Strategising. And well, cheating, sometimes!

How come only a few like ex-NFA boss, Richard Obienu, Coach Kadiri Ikhana, etc saw the truth? They said boldly that Nigeria’s chances were slim. But the likes of Coach Fanny Amun chose the thickest cloud for their heads. “We would get there,” Amun swore. He lied. But I apologise on behalf of his “fumbling and wobbling” self. And on behalf of the false prophets. Simon Owonogbu of Living Temple Church of God even lied against God. “I saw Kanu Nwankwo and Okocha carrying one gigantic trophy each. I asked God, what does this mean? He said: ‘Not only will Nigeria qualify for World Cup, but the Nation’s Cup and the World Cup will be carried to Nigeria.’”  Biggest lie. That man probably saw Kanu and Okocha’s drinking cups in a TV programme called “Bold Faces.” Or had malaria.

Squashing Nigeria’s chance to the World Cup was a coup. The police should arrest somebody for trying to topple Baba – by giving him heart attack. In this age when even ghosts are planning to overthrow our president, we must not take chances. I even heard the MOSOP scribe who died in 2003 organised a meeting to deny Nigeria the World Cup dream. Ask Ehindero. That was one of the reasons the police accused the late Deeka Menegbon of  planning to overthrow Obasanjo. In 2005? Wonders shall end one day.

Anyway, I suggest both Menegbon and all those who renege on self-made promises should be shot. Agreed? Fine! Let’s start with the politicians, shall we? Oh! Please, add our football murderers on the list. I will apologise on their behalf – after their confession, repentance and punishment.

• First published in Saturday Sun of  Oct 15, 2005