My friend went to Germany. And all he bought me was a lousy T-shirt with an abstract symbol. Trust me, I ‘yabbed’ him well-well. Nonsense! Okay, out of curiosity, I later asked what the symbol stands for and he started fidgeting. A twitch on the ear told me he was hiding something. But what? 

The guy is very religious and probably had problem lying about whatever the symbol meant. So, I blackmailed him: “After you’d say you are a child of God. Yet, you can’t tell a simple truth about one nonsense drawing on an ugly sweat-shirt.” That got him. “The pictogram,” he said, “is a German symbol for a fool. I just didn’t want to tell you so you won’t say I called you a fool.” Now, I’ve decided to keep that T-shirt for posterity. I intend to show it to my grandchildren, so they can start a civil war against my friend’s grandchildren for calling grandpa a fool  – in German, for that matter!

But, that taught me a lesson in people and symbols. There are symbols for everything. In every language. And people. According to my auto-mechanic friend, the symbol for trouble in Japanese is “a house with two women inside.” Oh! By the way, he learnt Japanese language from the Japanese cars. However, in China, the symbol for the same thing is a bull inside a China-shop. And, in my language, a woman’s load flung out of her matrimonial home means ‘impeachment’!

As a primitive man, I remember that when we found it difficult to express ourselves, we used symbols. In fact, after creation, when we wanted to tell God that we needed water, we just ‘pissed’ all over the floor. Then, we wore no cloths and the only way to tell a primitive female that she was naked was to show her Anita Hogan’s picture in The News. To propose marriage, we showed women Liz Taylor’s picture. Having married eight times and going on the ninth, she was our ‘marriage symbol.’ When a woman gave birth and we needed to tell her to breastfeed, we brought out Cossy Ojiako’s picture. She represented breast to our primitive generation.

Well, it was not easy at first. But we, the founding fathers, give glory to God that what everybody now enjoys as language took us a lot of doing. Now, many nations, states, cities, villages, communities and even professions hold certain symbols as sacrosanct. Example: Christians do not joke with the crucifix. Muslims revere the crescent. Journalists hold the pen dear. Lawyers tip the balance – implying justice is lopsided? And politicians would kill for a common bag the shape of a carpenter’s toolbox. It’s called GMG (Ghana-must-go)! 

Well, GMG is the symbol of the moment; sign of the time. ‘Signs’ impeachment notices with eyes closed; the same way it ‘supported’ third-term with its blood. Yet, everybody agrees GMG is so useful; hence has become an ‘essential commodity.’ Wanted here and there, GMG became ubiquitous. But used every second, it has become scarce and the poor can’t find it for use. A friend’s mother drew my attention to the problem the other day. A caterer, she delivered cooked food in GMG at event venues. Well, it served her well when it was around. And from the services rendered – (I’m not sure if she remembered to say ‘thank you’ to GMG – o)  – she helped oga to keep the family together. Suddenly, GMG disappeared from her doorsteps. But Madam never thought much of it until she saw the bag on TV, positioning itself at the doorstep of some State Houses of Assembly. On its back was a sign: ‘I’m ready to work for impeachment. And money!’ That’s how it became a symbol of large sum of money. And bribery! Now, if you want millions for a job, just show your client a picture of GMG. Problem is, the poor can’t buy the bag, anymore. About N150 a few weeks back , it’s now going for N1,000 each. Now, somebody has stolen mine. Things were never this bad. Once, you could win a GMG bag for impregnating your landlord’s daughter!

In fact, to many, instead of spending a whole day to explain anything in long, windy grammar, one understandable symbol says it all. For instance, if you are ready for war, wear Atiku’s Fulani cap. And if you want to pass on the message that you are very stubborn, the Owu cap would do the trick. Anybody, no matter how stupid, would easily recognise Chris Uba’s picture at a polling booth. Simply message: This is a rigging centre! I hope you didn’t visualise Uba, when Alhaji Lamidi Adedibu said General Obasanjo has already concluded the 2007 presidential election.  “In 2007, there will be no problem. President Obasanjo has told me who will be the next president and vice-president and these people are going to occupy the positions.” Finito! So, why is Maurice Iwu deceiving himself with voters’ registration, electronic voting machine, etc. Is he donating his picture as symbol of self-deceit? 

Anyway, three ‘symbols’ would give proper direction during 2007 elections. Below them would be buttons labelled Obasanjo, Adedibu, Uba (OAU)! If you press Number 1, you might get: “No election here, PDP has the figures already.” Number 2:  “A semblance of election occurred here, but it was rigged.” Number 3:  “Thugs are in-charge here. Try voting at your own risk.” I heard that’s the formula that would actualise Adedibu’s dream on the persons already agreed between him and Baba.

Okay, there are still other major symbols to consider. If you want people to ‘run away from corruption,’ put Ribadu’s picture at a road junction. But be warned, if by mistake you put it near a State House of Assembly, be ready for impeachment every day in that state. I’m told, by now, every governor knows just the exact symbol that can save him from impeachment. GMGs ‘in the House’. Or his miserable, groveling-cum-prostrating figure before the Aso god!

Symbol is such a cute piece of art. It occupies less space and wastes less words. And energy. I swear, it works like ‘acting’ chief judges in the ‘impeachment states.’ Check it out. Substantive chief judges have been less ‘active’ in the current impeachment wave in this demon-crazy. Except for Bayelsa, impeachment panels in Oyo, Ekiti, Plateau have all been set-up by ‘acting’ chief judges. And what that shows, said a friend, is that some judges are better as ‘actors.’ Rather than soiling the respected legal profession, some of them should move to the next home video ‘location’. Why should the Actors’ Guild waste money and time scouting for talents? We have them in abundance among some unprincipled judges, see? And they are the symbols of our corrupt judiciary.

FROM MY MAILBOX

Simply wonderful. Yours is a typical example of constructive criticism of government policies and the political happenings. Nigeria needs more people like you. What is most fascinating is the way you masterfully and humourously present the issues in your write-ups. Your column is unarguably one of the best in the Saturday Sun newspaper. Keep up the good work .

efe4luv06@yahoo.com>  

**************

You, Impeachment? Anyway, I hereby apply to serve as the chairman of the panel of enquiry to investigate the allegation levelled against you. Forget the ADEREMIC panel set up by your wife to probe you, WALLAHI my panel will surely give you BAMISILENEUOS treatment; Discharged and acquitted, NOT GUILTY. Haba! how can anybody think of impeaching you ? Definitely that will cause an ECLISPE of Saturday SUN! Allah Kiyaye!

UGOCHUKWU ANARADO, S/G,Kano.

“stephen ugochukwu” <ugooanarado@yahoo.com>  

May your head never taste impeachment. As the Commander-in-chief of the REALITY and Pen Forces, may your tenure never suffer a set back.

Bello E.Femi “bello femi” <bello1lomo@yahoo.com>  

Kabba, Kogi State

Your wife should withdraw her impeachment notice for now. Otherwise, the whole Nigeria will declare a state of emergency in your family. Because all these allegations are no ground for impeachment.

Make sure due process is followed

Maybe if you met Dora Akunyili for NAFDAC number, it could save you. That’s what the other governors don’t have, that is why they are so vulnerable to impeachment.

Wouldn’t you have made more money as an actor? Just think about it.

Men!! U’re indeed a seasoned writer. I don’t miss Saturday Sun b’cos of you and Femi. Me, am seriously looking for who to impeach!

• First published in Saturday Sun of  Oct 28, 2006