There are people I admire so much and, it’s not what you think. Two types of people, actually – all dressed in human attires and attributes. Those consistent in whatever they do and; well, clowns. The first group inspires me. The later set amuses me. And that’s a big surprise, even to me; because I don’t get easily entertained. Especially, if I’m hungry and there’s headache “inside my head.”

But the two groups in question have really tried. Members of the bodies are a common feature in our polity. Even if you don’t like them, there’s really no way you can avoid them. Unless you neither watch  television nor read newspapers. So, ladies and gentlemen, it is my “pressure” to recommend members of  these groups for national (dis)honour / award.

Now, the first set would step forward for various awards, including GCCM – Grand Commander for Consistent Mischief. Alright! In the right corner, some weighing billions of pounds (and dollars), we have heavy weights like Wada Nas, Olusegun Obasanjo, Greg Mbadiwe, IBB, Jerry Gana,  and  the National Assembly. And we start with a posthumous award; a special recognition.

Nas: Whether in life or death, the man, Nas, is a lesson in consistency. He supported  General Sani Abacha for president till death did them part. In fact, even after Abacha died, Nas still campaigned for his photograph. Long after Ibrahim Mantu, Greg Mbadiwe, etc, changed camp to hold Obasanjo’s agbada end, Nas pledged: “Abacha for president or I die.” It never happened, so he died. Lately, I heard he’s been urging Abacha to be the first Nigerian to stage a coup and perpetuate himself in hell before IBB gets there. I’m also told there’s fear of Obasanjo getting there with Guobadia and Tafa to rig election.

Obasanjo:  Obasanjo has been so consistent – in his flying habit. Sorry, I’ve missed count, but we could get update later from Gani Fawehinmi. In fact, since Baba was reelected by INEC and Tafa Balogun, he only stays in Nigeria on two occasions: When he visits a state and when the presidential plane has fault. Yes, he’s been consistent in searching for the elusive foreign investment. And, indeed, the success of his search is evident in the different styles of embroidery he returns with from each trip. No one can deny that Baba has also been consistent in his roller-skater movement, which makes it difficult for our enemies to tell whether he’s marching or being pushed from behind. That is how a president should be, style-inventing. The other day, Baba even tried diverting George Bush’s attention from Charles Taylor’s trial, by teaching him Owambe dance. He’s also consistent in dodging questions and getting angry. I recommend him, in addition, for The Angry Man award.

Jerry Gana: The man is the dean of the government aides. In terms of political appointment, he has by the grace of whatever, been consistent. From IBB to Abacha to Obasanjo. I heard he’s the president of a group called  AGIP – Any Government In Power. Any regime is forever good, once Gana is in. 

Now, Rev Fr Matthew Kukah says Gana is not only consistent, but also a liar. I don’t know Maths – o, but one idiot asked me to add the words “consistent” and “liar” and leave the answer to my imagination. But even lying is not new.  Every talkative, including my one-and-half year old daughter, lies. Now, some mischief makers claim when Gana was in charge of MAMSER, he lied till his front teeth almost fell off. Many years later, he become Information minister. They say he lied that government had done roads, even on treetops. And that bridges were built even where there was no water. And that IBB was going to hand over to “a democratically elected president.” And that Abacha had no self-succession plan. 

Gana missed Abdulsalami’s era by some months, then he jumped on Obasanjo’s train. Again, as some mischievous fellows say, as minister of (mis)Information. Then, he dragged some journalists by the nose round the nation, wasting our money on a futile venture. In the end, he told us some roads were even tarred  in the sky, complete with “bus stops” for the airplanes. Even when N3billion sunk into questionable road contracts that only produced more potholes, Gana lied that Obasanjo’s democracy had yielded dividends. Now, still as Obasanjo’s aide, he smuggled a draft constitution without NAFDAC number to the National Confab, claiming  he was only doing his job – spinning Obasanjo’s untruths. Me, I cannot open my dirty mouth to say that Gana or Obasanjo lied – o. After all, they are very responsible, mature men. And the mark of responsibility is the ability not to lie, but also not to tell the truth. I can only say Gana, in particular, has not been truthful. And, he has been recommended for Lying-In-State award.

Greg Mbadiwe: This apostle of “self-perpetuation” deserves a Mischievous Person award. He was one of those who swore to commit suicide if Abacha didn’t succeed himself but changed his mind later. Now, he sees no reason Obasanjo should return after 2007 to waste among the chickens in Otta farm. So, he wants Obasanjo-For-Life (OFL), even when reasonable Nigerians want Life-Without-Obasanjo (LWO). May I, humbly, recommend Mbadiwe for the Silver Bangle award, the one instituted by the EFCC.

IBB:  This man has been consistent and patient in his quest for power. He patiently conducted a fruitless transition and consistently refused to hand over to his friend, Abiola, who won the 1993 presidential election. He was also patient enough to wait all of 12 years before visiting Lagos to spit on Abiola’s grave. Then, hug and kiss his wives. IBB has also consistently refused to apologise to Nigerians over June 12. And he has retained his Maradonic ways – playing with words over his 2007 presidential ambition, thereby still perceiving Nigerians as fools. Apart from consistency award, I recommend him for The Genius Devil award.

National Assembly: Ladies and gentlemen, because of lack of space, we would give a general award to members of the National Assembly. We admit that there are special people who deserve individual awards among them. However, the National Assembly, as a body, has been very consistent  in their fight for money. Every time they “fight” Obasanjo, it’s either he has refused them money or they need more.  So, to twist Obasanjo’s arms, they compile an endless list of his “impeachable offences,” “excesses,” etc. But the moment they are settled, the list is dropped, to be continued another day. So, for spending their entire life compiling a blackmail list they never intend to use, I recommend our national lawmakers for the EFCC Silver Bangle and Redundancy awards.

Okay, we are fast running out of time so we won’t do a long citation for the second group – the clowns. The first in the group is:

Leke Pitan: This is the Lagos State Commissioner for Health, the only man alive who could arrest and detain a corpse. His problem was that the mourners of Adewumi Rafiu of Ikorodu, did not cry according state directives. They were not supposed to cry in a noisy manner, especially if they couldn’t pay the dead man’s hospital bill. But, rather than arrest or write names of noisemakers like the “Head Boy” in my primary school days used to do, he arrested the corpse. Step out for The Dead Man’s Bill award, sir.

Idris Waziri: In fact, this man deserves a Lifetime Hunger award for declaring that garri is no longer for the poor. The minister of Commerce gave Nigerians a unique insight recently, into why they can no longer buy garri. He said government deliberately ensured that garri goes for N200 a “kongo” so as to eradicate poverty. The logic: if Nigerians can still buy it at that rate, then there’s no poverty. Next move? Export the stuff, since there’s no poor here to eat it.

 I’ve heard scientists abroad now have pigs with human hearts. Well, an unconfirmed report also said some humans with pig-hearts abound here, especially among our politicians. Folks, before we end this show,  I promise that if we find such beings, we would give them The Human Pigs award. And, I swear, Obasanjo and Chris Ekpenyong would jointly present the plaques to the awardees. May we now rise for the National Anthem?

• First published in Saturday Sun of  May 14, 2005