Assassins for hire!

j’Assassins for hire’ is a satirical representation of when Nigeria witnessed rampant assassination cases. That was in 2004. The situation has since changed but the article has historical, comical and didactic imports.

I acquired weapons of mass destruction, recently. I’d thought things over and decided this journalism is slowing me down. How about a change of profession? Or is it vocation? So, I decided to act like “a real man.” 

 Imagine! I’ve worked donkey years and still can’t buy bicycle spokes. Not to mention a complete ketekete. Yet, people are paying good money for Otokoto jobs. Illiterates even get millions to knock off fellow humans. So why can’t I be an assassin?

 I decided to do something good for myself, jare! Something to make me popular and bring good money. It doesn’t matter if I don’t have the brutality and crudity of a killer. It doesn’t matter if I can’t hurt a fly. I can always try, can’t I? So, I bought the “weapons”. Well, if worse comes to worst, I can use them to kill my neighbour’s stubborn chickens, abi?

And the beauty of it, I thought, was that I could eliminate more than one “enemy” at a time. That would give me an edge over other assassins. Instead of killing one at a time, a politician could hire me to kill about two hundred, or more, at once. Smart!

Assassins for hire: with water gun

I got home with my load and went down to practicals. I loaded one of the weapons, aimed at one naughty chicken and pressed the trigger!  The aim was perfect, that I’m sure. The evidence was there for all to see. The target dropped, immediately. Yet, the noise from the gun was surprising. It hissed like a cobra. But just when I started thumping my chest, the chicken jumped up and ran – leaving in its wake droplets of water. Just then, I wondered if I could ever be an assassin!

Still, I tried the next weapon.  I was told it would work like Professor Peller’s magic. You don’t have to see the “enemies”. Just have their names in mind and use the thing. It works like juju or holy water, I was told. Well, I quietly entered my room, depressed the button and left. Twenty minutes later, I returned.

Hell! They were there, right inside my room. All the families of roaches, flies and mosquitoes! I did what Dr Tunji Braithwaite couldn’t do in 1979. The man, with his Nigerian Advance Party (NAP), had promised to kill all the mosquitoes in Lagos. In the end, he couldn’t even kill a fly! I guess there was no assassins to hire for the job then.

 The result from my later experiment was more encouraging. With such a weapon, General Olusegun Obasanjo can never term a clear assassination as armed robbery. Although, with an investigator like him, my job would be easier because nobody would ever suspect it wasn’t a deliberate suffocation of the “enemies”.  But then, who would believe that I am an assassin ready for hire? Or am I?

In fact, the day Obasanjo dismissed Chief Aminasoari Dikibo’s murder as armed robbery attack; I knew he created more chances for the assassins to do more havoc. And the once “reluctant president” also justified the existence of armed robbers in the society. Their job, it would appear from that presidential submission, is to kill. So, it was okay that Dikibo was killed – after all, he was killed by armed robbers, who are “permitted” by security lapses to kill.

Obasanjo’s esoteric explanations

By the way, why is Obasanjo always coming up with esoteric explanations to social issues? When his men burnt Fela’s Kalakuta Republic, he said they were “unknown soldiers.”  From Heaven or Mars? I’ve heard of stuffs like UFOs coming from space. That’s different from soldiers and assassins, products of our immediate human community, please. Anyway, leave Dikibo’s death to God, Obasanjo says. No need for the police to do any investigation. So, the perfunctory panel merely quoted Obasanjo and that was the end of Dikibo.

But the unanswered question remained: who next?  That question caused the 1997 “DTN Revolt”. Then, the fortunes of the Daily Times were so down that even weekly transport allowances were stopped. Yet, the management went to a book launch in Ibadan with N500, 000. And the ogas used bottled water to flush their toilets. Within a month, about three workers died in questionable circumstances.

They could have been saved if arrears of their salaries had been paid. One Iyabo Newton, even died after waiting in vain in the office for at least a month’s pay. And that moved Tunji Olalere, chairman of NUJ (DTN Chapel) to do a poster with pictures of the dead staff. An empty box with a big question mark was all the management needed to suspend him. I had to cut short my leave as the secretary-general of the Chapel, to lead a strike that ensued thereafter.

 Another spot of question mark almost got someone’s face last week. But for God, Benue’s Governor George Akume would have filled the gap. Thank God he escaped. Pity though, that Andrew Agom, former MD of Nigeria Airways, and a police escort took Akume’s bullets. And the police came bragging as usual: we would fish out the killers. And that is exactly the problem.

The police should stop fishing for criminals. They should “search” for them. In fact, the ordinary mortals believe that the police know the hideouts of these assassins, robbers, hoodlums or whatever they are called. So, go there and get them out here. Arrest them, don’t fish. Forget the Biblical pun of somebody turning a “fisher of men”. It can never happen in reality. Men have higher IQ than fish, so you can’t use the same method to get both.

But we can borrow the concept of throwing the net wide. That means spreading the search to cover villages, cities and towns. That implies dedication; determination. That demands conscious equipment of the force – sophisticated weapons, motivation, and all. And, of course, open-ended options. Not a close-ended, one-track theory – like in the Dikibo case!

It’s a bit curious that assassination is now the in-thing. Last week, Akume had not even done a thanksgiving when Orji Kalu of Abia State alleged threats to his life. And that question of who’d be next cropped up again. Yet, the politicians are the first to preach patience to the poor masses. Only when they steal our money and we keep shouting thief! thief!! Only politicians with ill-gotten millions would pay a master-butcher. Only today’s Nigerian politicians can do isiewu with human head! They talk tolerance and do the opposite.

 There is always a clue in murder. Assassins often leave a trace when on hire. But when it’s state arranged, the clue merges with the air. And the confused police start investigations from conclusions to premise. Every murder has a motive. At least, that’s what the American police always say.  Yet, in Nigeria, even when public sentiment points in a direction, the authorities turn blind. Recent murders have been blamed on the PDP.  Professor Wole Soyinka even described the party as inhabited by a bunch of killers. From Bola Ige, Harry Marshal to Dikibo, many insist that the hands that rocked the boat may be found in PDP. Even the attempt on Akume’s life and the alleged threat to Kalu’s, some have traced to the party. So, is PDP now a Party Dealing with People?  

Hints from victims

Interestingly, most victims of assassination sometimes drop hints before they drop. Ige reportedly told Governor Donald Duke of Cross River at Pa Onasanya’s burial that “some people” were planning to kill him. Five days later, the assassins struck. With real guns, bullets and death. Quite unlike the one I practised with. Ige died with the knowledge of those after him. Dele Giwa told former governor Segun Osoba a week before his death: “Egbon, they are after me”. Dikibo, it has just come out, also told Kalu and Depriye Alamieyesiegha of Bayelsa State that some “big men” in the presidency were after him. He died three days later. Killed by Obasanjo’s “armed robbers”.

If I were an armed robber, I would take out a paid advert in protest. Why should I be given a bad name when I know I didn’t kill Dikibo? Who knows? Obasanjo would again blame robbers for Akume’s fate. And if I were an assassin, I would never keep quiet while another person takes glory for my good work. I would shout to the world that I am an assassin ready for hire! Imagine! How can I suffer to kill a man like Dikibo and a mere armed robber who probably has only killed somebody in error gets the glory? Abasi akan! 

 Now, everybody’s life is in danger. Wole Soyinka has also raised alarm over his safety. And Governor Bola Tinubu of Lagos, like Akume, escaped death. What a week! Yet, a subservient Adolphus Wabara had the temerity to say Obasanjo has given us hope. What hope? Hope of insecurity, unfocused economy and death?  It seems we are in an era where assassins are easy to hire.

Well, for me, if I ever decide to be an assassin, I’ll do a classical job. A registered company with a skull for logo. Boldly printed on a notice board would be: “Assassins for hire!” I’ll print business cards and all the works. Business is business. And, I promise  to kill all your “enemies” – the political house rats! I have another weapon of mass destruction in mind. It’s called Otapiapia! 

• First published in Saturday Sun of  March 13, 2004