‘If Na Ya Mama Born Ya Papa, Cross Dis Line’
It has just come to my notice (board?) that Nigerians love to hear ‘gists’ from flowers. So, now that Para-psychologist Gabriel Okunzua is dead, a few silly friends and I…
Obasanjo and His Two Thieves
There are certain things I can’t do. Like spelling my name. Counting my achievements. Or pushing my rickety car into the river. Where the hell would I find money to…
Why We No Longer Have Single Teenage Girls
A terrifying epidemic has descended on the society, resulting in the scarcity of single teenager girls. Oh! Forget your 14-year-old girl. She probably got married last night, while you slept.…
Every time I see a policeman, I think of sex, robbery and death.
If you love sex, you’re in for a surprise: You are an armed robber! And if you’re ever caught “making love,” you’re dead! At least, that’s what the police suggested…
I’m Still Waiting for Baba’s Cushion
Last year, I planned to buy a set of chairs. The simple type my father once bought for N100. But when I was able to gather 99 kobo, the chair’s…
I Have Bullet-Proof Air for Sale
I heard Senate President Ken Nnamani has just bought a car. P-r-a-i-s-e the Lord! Ah! We go wash-am-o! Really, it was long overdue. Imagine, the man was trekking round the…
World Cup Dream? I Apologise for Everything
I hereby apologise to myself on behalf of all those who promised to die, if Nigeria failed to qualify for Germany 2006. I have since found out that they have…
It’s New Year, So What?
Oh man, was I ever gloomy Thursday morning. Even the shower didn’t lesson my mood. Worse still, I had to drag myself to work. I can’t remember the first person…
Democracy of Neurosis
This is our democracy. Home grown. Whoever doesn’t like it should take a walk down to Bakassi. Yes, move closer the ocean and we’d gladly push you over to Cameroon.…
Time to Name Our Own Hurricanes
I don’t know why the “civilised” world picks names for disasters without considering Nigeria. It’s unfair to ignore a country that has borne the burden of every African nation, except…