Ekpenyong Is A Married Man, iya-iya –o!

Look, I don’t care if I’m called a coward. I will never criticise my deputy governor. The guy is a nice man – an “excellent” gentleman. That is why they address him as “His Excellency”.  In fact, every time I see Chris Ekpenyong I thank God for making me a man. And when I grow up, I want to be like him – peace loving, pa(r)t – riotic, (dis)loyal and very rich!

You see, money is power. It makes the weak strong. And beautifies, too. When I have money like Ekpenyong, for instance, no “small girl” can dare say I look as beautiful as a pig. No one has tried it yet with “the heir apparent” to Akwa Ibom throne. That’s how powerful money is, even if it’s failed contracts loot.   

Anyway, one mischievous fellow has given me hope already. He said I share something in common with Ekpenyong, General Obasanjo and the late MKO Abiola. For a minute, I thought I had a secret vault somewhere I did not know of. I only knew it had nothing to do with money when the guy handed me a mirror. Hell! I never knew I was as handsome as a gorilla.

But, let’s excuse Abiola because he’s busy yonder. And me? I’m still struggling to survive. Now, Baba and Ekpenyong. One’s name is longer than the other. One is a “born-again Chris,” the other a “born-against Christian.” Finish! Chris shows his “born-againism” in physique and material wealth, Baba sings his on the roof of the Redeemed Camp. Chris carries his ego on his face and shoulder, Obasanjo fixes it in the embroidery of his Guinea brocade. Yet, somebody keeps telling me they look alike? I was even offered an old English textbook and guess what! A pig had a cap over its head!

Anyway, one “small girl” nosy journalist from Tell Magazine tried, recently, to question my Dep. Gov’s skills at awarding failed contracts. She got free information on how many times oga kisses his wife, instead.

Ekpenyong: “You small girl, you sit in front of me there, do you know I have a wife at home? I only just finished calling her before you walked in,” Oga told her.

Now, here’s the news in details. In Ekpenyong’s village, a married man answers no questions, not even from his inquisitive daughter.

Daughter: Daddy, they say you stole money, is it true?

Daddy: Shut up, don’t you know I am married to your mother? And that you are the daughter of my wife? And that your mother got pregnant after I gave her a phone call. Which means that you are my daughter?

 In Ekpenyong’s world, marriage is the highest sign of responsibility. It doesn’t matter if your father labeled you “irresponsible” from childhood. To Ekpenyong, marriage is a licence to do whatever one likes – including stealing. Wasn’t that the message he tried to pass across to the Tellreporters, recently? 

Clearly, Ekpenyong left the issues to pursue tissues – the dirty kind left in the toilet, after use. And he left behind moral dirt.  He was the chairman of the Finance and General Purpose Committee (FGPC) before the dark days of resource struggle. The committee reportedly awarded contracts of about N2billion but nothing to show for it. Yet, Ekpenyong refused to explain anything beyond announcing that his wife had a cell phone. Who told him that because he had a wife he shouldn’t account for public funds? As it is, we are left to conclude that the ruins Akwa Ibom suffered in Attah’s first term were perpetrated by Ekpenyong. 

H-e-l-l-o-o! Is that Chief, Dr, Architect, Obong Victor Attah? Ok, the Governor is in a meeting, right? When he finishes, I’ll still be on the line. Tell him his Deputy has implicated him somewhere. “I was only chairman (of FGPC). I was not the final approving authority,” Ekpenyong said. So, was Attah aware of such wanton loot? If yes, why did he retain Ekpenyong as Deputy? Another family affair?  Did Attah sanction the large-scale fraud like Ekpenyong implied? We’ll certainly hear more about it soon. For we expect more dirt as 2007 draws nearer!

Now, the gods are angry. And, so am I. Sacrifice is one solution. A teaspoon of palm-wine; one cartoon  of yam; five cubes of fresh fish and goats; one-and-half  bottle of eba with five bottles of soup; one conjoined cow – to appease the gods for the open rape of the land. The other answer is to set up a Failed Contract Tribunal, headed by the masses in Akwa Ibom.

Still, I kick when mischief makers try to “destroy the peace” of a self-crowned “heir apparent” – who can’t even tell what he was before becoming the Deputy Gov. He simply referred the reporter to “other (settled?) Political editors.” When a man “grows” like he feeds on fertilizer – after a few years in public office – he loses his sense of peace and balance.

 If you need a container load of trouble, shout at a reporter and call him nasty names. Threaten him with arrest and that would scare him and his colleagues stiff. But if you still intend to stay in public office, don’t try it. Journalists may not carry guns, but they fight dirty when attacked. When a journalist, especially a “small” one, tries to be fair by seeking your side of the story, please oblige him. Small people are dangerous. Learn from the ants, Abacha, Oshiomhole, Ken Saro-Wiwa, El-Rufai, etc. I have a few of them in my village, too.

I hate it every time some (s)elected public officers try to teach me my job. Everybody “idiot” or “fool” can be a politician in Nigeria. No special education. Every misdeed, including murder, is a family affair. But not everybody can be a journalist – even if you can write a love letter. And it’s not every journalist that would be fair enough to ask you how many times you sleep with your wife in a week. It doesn’t matter even if you’re facing a divorce suit with madam screaming, “he doesn’t sleep on the bed because he bed-wets!”

Well, even if Ekpenyong has read the part of the constitution that empowers the journalists as watchdogs of the society, he probably would be more interested in the “dog” meat.  I don’t hate Ekpenyong, but I can’t like a guy who slaps his chief detail. An oga whose Chief Press Secretary is worse than a house-help in Cotonou. A Deputy Governor whose Chief Security Officer rides on okada, while his kittens use exotic cars.

Student: Sir, what’s the similarities between Akwa Ibom Deputy Governor and corpses?

Teacher: Which of the corpses – Jerry Agbeyegbe’s or military pensioners’ corpses? Anyway, corpses go on pay parade, the Dep. Gov doesn’t. Those are the “real ghost workers” with ghost wishes – people who died with “unfulfilled dreams.” The only thing that “filled” them later was air. And that is the only similarity between Ekpenyong and corpses. The air. Corpses are filled “with” air because they were uncared for. But the Dep. Gov. is “full of” air because he’s a “free man.” He’s “very proud” of himself. It’s not easy to achieve his feat, without ICPC digging your root. They unearth a case against Gov Diepreye Alamieyeseigha of Bayelsa, about four years later. You must remember that in Nigeria, certain issues never die.

Student: Like Poverty, corruption and pensioners?

Teacher: Well, in a way. As far as this crop of politicians as still in power, the first two would not die. The third is dying gradually; at least seven died last week in Makurdi and Asaba. That’s as common these days as bomb blast in Ngige’s toilet. The only consolation about the pensioners is that all 88,000 of them can’t die before 2007. More join them every day and the cycle continues. Like Alamieyeseigha’s case.  Anyway, forget them, jare. Their problem would have been solved, if they were as married as the Akwa Ibom Deputy Governor. Children, join me and sing: Ekpenyong is a married man, iya-iya – o!

FROM MY MAILBOX

You’re frank and comical

Dear Usoro, your articles are frank and comical. May God increase your knowledge. The problem with Nigeria is absolute corruption, right at the seat of government. Can Obasanjo explain why has he not appointed a petroleum minister? Who are d people behind the importation of fuel? Why are the highways still a death trap? Why is NEPA still epileptic? And many more questions too numerous to outline here.

More legislators will continue to slap and fight over GMG because there has not been any example of any big fish in the net. 

  “umaru yusuf” <yusufua2000@yahoo.co.uk>  

 Specially talented

Sir, I always like the way you are scrutinizing issues. I can see that you are specially talented. More grease to your elbow with one hundred   gbosas.

“osen abdul adex. abdul.” <flashyabdul@yahoo.com>  

Proud of your boldness

Usoro, I’m proud of your boldness  in those stuffs you’ve been giving us. 

Hope they won’t be tempted to give you the  million naira slap. 

Uwem O.,2348055281862@sms.gloworld.com  

The winner

I have fallen in love with your write-ups for so long. You are nominated for the Writer of the Year Award. The only nominee. And, you’re the winner! Keep it up.

“osofuye ariyo” <osofuyeariyo@yahoo.com>  

Commendation

I just want to commend your effort on the beautiful column you have been writing. Keep it up. I am  happy to have somebody like you.

“obongono etangeno” <godcares4mi2004@yahoo.com>  

Real monkey business

I am a regular reader of your column and I  love the way you write . On AIT this morning I saw yet another  ” beauty queen”, Miss Olokun 2004 with Ganiyu Adam, the organiser of the beauty show. Beauty shows are now  an all-comers affair that even a refurbished carpenter  can venture into it.

What a real monkey business!

 Celestine, Port-Harcourt

“estine manz” <celon147@yahoo.com>  

• First published in Saturday Sun of  Dec 11, 2004