In Akwa Ibom, everybody wants to be governor, including my grandma. And she can’t even walk straight because of arthritis. Still, grandma got somebody to “push” her in a wheelbarrow to the PDP secretariat in Uyo. Where she submitted a ‘white letter.’  And declared her intention to die on the way to the Hilltop Mansion.

But the letter she gave the Ita Toyo – led executive was the first love note my granddad wrote to her. She never read it once. Yet, she gave it to PDP. “I was in too much of a hurry to write another one,” she told me later. As if she could write! Of course, she couldn’t read the letter either. Because, well, grandma can’t read. Years back, I tried to teach her the alphabets, and she managed some: ‘A is for Egg; C is for see.’

Besides, the love letter was written with white chalk. On white paper!  “Well, now that your grandfather is no more and PDP is collecting letters from every angle, perhaps for a future art exhibition, my creaking bones decided, as a law-abiding relic, to donate that old letter to them,” she said at a rally in my sitting room.  

Me: Grandma, but is it true you told them you want to contest for governorship?

Grandma: Yes now?! And why not? If Etiebet can declare his intention, why can’t I? 

Me: You are too old, that’s why. And you did not hear the “cry” of anybody, unlike Etiebet.

Grandma: Are you calling me deaf? You are a very stupid boy. Have you forgotten how I gave birth to your mother? (As if I was there). Am I older than Etiebet? Look, when I started school, Etiebet was older than the paramount ruler. He used to read us those ancient books called Udo Barikang and Mutanda Oyom Nnamando. Well, did he say he heard “cries”? Of what? Of who? Daydream! Hallucina-whatever! Is he the messiah? Look, if Etiebet heard any cry, it must have been the youths tearing his posters. 

Me: But grandma, apart from being old, you can’t read in English. How would you manage?

Grandma: How does Etiebet manage? I can read, mbok! Let me show you: A is for Akpan Isemin; B is for Bassey Adiaha Attah; C is for Clement Isong; D is for Don; E is for Etiebet; F is for Failure; G is for Go-away. What else do you want?

Ah! I was shocked. I never knew when grandma improved herself to ‘G’ level.

Well, since Etiebet declared his intention to rule Akwa Ibom, grandma has never been the same again. She’s probably the forty-fifth aspirant, but she doesn’t care. My only problem is that I don’t know why grandma would not leave Etiebet alone. She keeps telling me how Etiebet founded a national party bigger in content and character than PDP. Only to demote himself to seeking a governorship ticket as his terminal benefit.

Grandma: “Enhen! Come and sit down and let me tell you a story. You small boy. Sit on my legs and don’t wee-wee on me –o! Story; story… story! Once upon a time, there was an old man who lived outside a shoe. His name was Etiebet. Well, his eyes were not so big then – o. And his mouth not so ‘wide.’ But he was very consistent in his speeches – always promoting his culture. By lacing every English word with thick Annang accent”. 

“That Baba formed party, although it didn’t get him to the ‘centre.’ But, at least, it took him to see Abacha. The ‘stubborn’ man had refused to allow his ‘national party’ adopt Abacha for the self-succession agenda. It was an ‘enlightened’ excursion which made the man see “the light” and denounced the party, shortly after. Since then, he has been so restless. One minute, he co-founded PDP; the next minute he jumped out and formed UNPP (United Nigeria Peoples Party). Well, long before Soludo, there was consolidation. Political parties started it. UNPP plus APP equals ANPP. And Etiebet became the chairman”. 

Me: Come, are you worried that Etiebet’s trying to become a governor?

Grandma: Exactly! Because if he’s not stopped now, he’d soon seek to become the chairman of the village council. Like somebody said, if he fails in the governorship bid, he may try the council chairman slot. If that fails, he might seek to become a councilor. Downward progression.  Next, he might even seek to become the head of his village.

Me: Are those all? This is a democracy, jare! A man should have a right to his terminal wish, abi? Somebody told him that the only way to get state burial is to go back to the state. Another fellow made the mistake of calling him a ‘statesman.’ And he probably thought it means a man who fails nationally and goes back to his state. I only hope you aren’t one of those ‘bad belle’ people who say Etiebet was promised governorship for a job well done in ANPP.

Grandma: Look, as you know, I no know book –o. But I think that man would do better as an undertaker. If positive achievements are scarce, can’t we boast with the negative ones? Anybody who thinks it’s easy turning ANPP into a PDP appendage should go and try. My brother did a good job of it. At least, today, we don’t have any opposition from that angle. I may not like him, since we are contesting for the same seat. But I can’t deny him his achievements. Haba! I recognize and appreciate talent whenever I see one!

Me: But didn’t you say some other time that Etiebet achieved nothing?

Grandma: Well, I have the human, ghost, democratic, dictatorial, etc rights to change my mind, don’t I? After consideration, I realised that even the confusion Etiebet’s entry into the race would cause is an achievement for his CV. In the past, he never went beyond making noise. But that was the era of kingmakers. Now, kingmakers are trying to become kings. Ask Etiebet. I guess he’s competing with Chris Uba in that respect.

Me: Grandma, I think you old people should leave the scene for the younger ones. Old people have failed, with all their acclaimed experience. 

Grandma: Nonsense! Remember that one day you would grow old –o! Don’t you know that what you young people stand on the rooftop to see, we elders see with thick lenses? Old age or not, are you not the one who said there are life support machines? Stupid boy! 

Me: (aside) You might also need one to sustain your senile brain, abi? 

Well, you see, Akwa Ibom is a wonderful state, where everyone who failed the first elementary alphabet class thinks he can govern. Yet, many of them are unknown in their villages. Already, I heard there are over 40 aspirants in PDP alone. A record! Senile heads, dried bones and even young thugs want to live in the Hilltop Mansion. Even those who spat on the party and the state struggle back there. Including my grand old grandma!

• First published in Saturday Sun of  July 29, 2006