For a successful election in 2007, everybody should switch off his TV set. No? Yes! It’s in your own interest, if you want to remain alive till that year. You see, TV does a lot of damage. Ask your local technician and a neighbour who works with NEPA (the power(?) holders). I swear, if they are true Nigerians, they might testify that TV has a bad effect on your breath! Very hard to ‘brush’ off. But that’s only half the truth.

Okay, here’s the other ‘half.’ And it only applies to those who: (1) own TV; (2) enjoy electricity power supply; (3) hear, and; (4) understand the lies. TV causes hypertension! Apart from ‘damaging’ your money (on maintenance), TV also ‘sucks’ your blood. And then, your eyes. It destroys valuable time, too. Your children. And, well, your wife! You just get home and there’s nobody to give you food because, hold it, everybody is watching ‘Paloma’!

Anyway, that’s not even as bad as the recent Australian survey suggested. From now on, if you want to remember the names of your children, turn off the TV.  Eat fish, read fiction and do crosswords – so said the survey. The reasons are simple. If you watch TV for too long, you pick lies from government officials – both from their lips and heads. Or you get angry finding out how much they’ve truly stolen on our behalf. 

Eating fish helps calm your anger. Because if you eat meat, especially when angry, it might continuously make you want to eat some politicians. Government officials, Tafa, and some rogue INEC officials. Ask my barber!  

Barber: Oga! I hear say that busybody Ribadu and his EFCC go seize N7 billion asset from one dead INEC director, a pastor. Wetin de worry that Ribadu sef? Abi him de vex say one common dead director fit make so much from one election? Ribadu even talk say e go ask the man to come and declare his asset. Wetin concern am? Abi him worry be say if one director get plenty like dat, the oga pata-pata fit get Tafa-size and loot?  People like Attah and Gana de declare for 2007 Presidency; him wan dead man to declare asset?  But come –o.

Me: Where did you hear that one?

Barber: Ah! Oga, dem show am for inside my TV. I no fit remember the station-o. But dem talk am say dat pastor go soon charge dem to court  for money, land, house and bank account laundry… 

Me: Who is charging who? Is the pastor charging EFCC or EFCC charging the pastor?

Barber: Tans sa, I no know book-o. But weda EFFC charge pastor or pastor charge EFCC, the important thing be say ‘charge’ dey  inside.

Anyway, the problem with my barber is that he watches too much TV. So sometimes, he invents stories in his head – like Professor Maurice Iwu – believing he saw it on TV. The other day, he claimed he saw a documentary, where babies – from one-day old to six-months old  – killed INEC officials all over the country. Then, the naughty tots tore off all the adults’ names in the voters’ register. And, guess what? They mischievously wrote their names there, instead. Unfortunately, it took Iwu almost four years and a bout of malaria to find out.

But, hey! We shouldn’t allow our babies’ potentials to waste. Kids smart enough to get their names into INEC registers – under Iwu’s pillows – would certainly be useful, next year. They can vote with their diapers, can’t they? Common on, we all have to help INEC in its constitutional role of election rigging. Me? I’ve sent my kids – including the six-month old girl – for training on toes-printing.  But then, Iwu should remember that not all Nigerians are children or fools. That part about children in INEC register was a big lie. An attempt to create an alibi for next year’s imminent failure!

 Even my barber isn’t impressed.  He’s so passionate about next year’s election that he’s even worried about the security arrangements. Talks of acquiring high-tech equipment to monitor terrorism drop from his ears like water from the back of hen. 

Barber: Wicsh terrorism dem wan fight? Common drivers dem no fit fight make dem no drop or pick passengers for express, na terrorism dem wan fight. Wicsh one? Election-rigging terrorism, abi armed-robbery terrorism? Unemployment-terrorism, abi no-food terrorism? EFCC-terrorism, abi poverty-allocation terrorism?

Me: That thing is ‘poverty alleviation’ and Baba’s government has done a lot in that area. At least, everybody around the government houses can testify. Their pockets, at least, are now ‘alleviated’!

Barber: Oga, abeg no vex-o! But anoda customer tell me say de thing na ‘poverty elevation.’ And dat man head big pass ya own-o. So, wicsh one I go believe? Because e say the one wey Baba do for me na ‘ poverty elevation.’ 

Yes, one woman has shown that you can teach an ‘old dog’ a ‘new trick’ – driving. You can even teach it how to crash the car in the process. But, how do you teach an old man the meaning of allocation, alleviation and elevation? The more I try, the more confused he gets.  It’s hard for him to understand that words don’t always mean what they seem. For instance, National Identity Card.  And debt settlement.  

After years and billions of naira down the drain, they told us on national TV that the ID card project was eventually good and ready. May 2004, I posed and grinned foolishly like Anita Hogan. Click! And my face appeared as naked and ugly as Anita’s organ. Two years later, I got an unsigned plastic. Worthless to me and the nation! You can’t even use it to commit any crime. Like killing somebody and handing him your national ID for easy contact, later. 

Assassin: “Good day, Sa! My name is Killer. I was sent by your friend to assassinate you. After your death, please feel free to contact me for revenge. Here is my national ID card. I can even kill him to avenge your death, if you pay half what he paid. No cheques, please!” 

Well, the ID project was ‘worthwhile’ for the government officials in the deal. Abi? N2.089 billions! So good that they’re about repeating the fraud, so soon. The same ID card project with another bogus name: General Multi-Purpose Card (GMPC). For what? To help those involved empty our treasury before leaving next year? And why has EFCC refused to probe the project? 

I heard if you watch less TV, you recall political lies easily. You may even detect some lazy security excuses from Ehindero. The IG is building a silly excuse for his inability to find the political killers. After blaming the SSS, as if he doesn’t have intelligence unit, he wants us to give him an award for his inability to confront robbers. Haba!

Look, from now on, I’ve warned my dog to ‘shine’ eyes brighter. We must catch all these liars, okay? Reading more fictions help. That way, there’s no cock-and-bull story they would tell you won’t know. Check out the confusing nonsense called debt relief, for instance. Ngozi Okonjo-Iweala and Baba told us all our debts were forgiven. Settled (out of court?)!  Meanwhile, the Debt Monitoring Office (DMO) was in too deep a drunken stupor to shout. Somebody there fell into a tank of alcohol and emerged several months after to realize that our foreign debt still remains N4.6 billions. Why? How? Whose pocket would that go into? And what about the new loan Baba reportedly got from China? It appears rather than settle our debt, somebody’s pocket has been ‘settle.’ Yet, they’d fill our TV screens to sell us half-truths. And lies! Trust me. Usually, in anger, I switch it off! Nonsense!

• First published in Saturday Sun of  Sept 09, 2006