I find it difficult to understand some Nigerians. Imagine! A man like Nuhu Ribadu, with his ‘mosquito head,’ managed to remember and to write 201 names, yet there’s been no cheers! Too bad. I thought we have resolved in this country to encourage improved education, where our policemen would be able not only to remember names but actually write them? Well, I heard Ribadu’s feat attracted a smile from a few ‘bushmen’ in a small village called Aso-whatever. And oh, I forgot, Ribadu recently got double-promotions from the king of that village – in advance for his exploits!  

Still, I can’t understand why most people have developed ‘headache’ in their stomachs over the matter.  I see it really as jealousy, envy, destruct, mischief, resentment, covetousness and well, bad-belle. Ha! I never knew I knew such  big-big grammars – o. But, never mind. Whoever says Ribadu is not hardworking and powerful should compile a list of 200 corrupt-politicians and see if he would be ‘sent’ to hell – free of charge. The difference here is that some aggrieved persons have only been able to recommend to the man where he should go on a holiday. Action Congress, for instance, suggested an Island called Hell. But won’t he need visa to enter the place?

It’s really in bad faith for some people to tell him to “go to hell” without giving him transport money. Well, I know he might not accept, since his mother warned him not to collect things from strangers. But has it not been written in the scripture that the road to hell is a smooth highway that leads to a long journey? I guess that means all kinds of vehicles would be on the Abeokuta Expressway. Or is it the one leading to the East? Whatever is the case, if Ribadu tries to trek to ‘hell,’ he might be too tired to get there. Especially, if he goes it alone. And there could be an accident. I wouldn’t like him mowed down like Senator Usman Saleh Danboyi of Taraba crushed two teenagers, recently. God forbid! That would be unfair to a man presiding over Nigeria’s ‘redemption census’ – since the one of last year generated much controversy.

Counting corrupt people is not an easy job. Especially, if you attended a night school, like me. Come on, admit it. How many of us can count without using sticks or our fingers? I swear, many of us who did not attend Ribadu’s school of counting would have missed the exact number. We might even have made the mistake of adding some incorruptible names – like my late grandfathers’. But the ‘lepa’ corruption buster got it right on target. Oh, forget that he had to ‘conjure’ another list two days later. It happens, sometimes. You can never finish a census without a supplementary list. This is why the census process is ever on-going; like Nigeria’s looting and infrastructural development. 

Ribadu is a smart guy. A source said, obviously thinking of how to make money for Nigeria, he has written a book on his new census. It’s a compendium entitled: Book For a Mission. Never mind one literary critic, who said the ‘mission’ in the title was the anticipated attack on anti-third term elements. Ribadu, the author, denies it all. In fact, he told an underground press conference that all the names of the people included in 1st and 2^nd editions of his book were, well, real characters. Although the book reads more like fiction, Ribadu says the story was from personal/national experience. The 1st edition, I’m told, was abridged to just 135 names, to ensure that names remained for a second batch. And the 2^nd edition turned out to be slimmer like a model – just 66 names of overfed persons. I heard my name was supposed to be the 67^th but one busybody claimed on oath that I was not a Nigerian.

Well, I agree that only Nigerians should be ‘counted’ and mentioned in any Nigerian census. But even if I have been zoned to Bakassi, have I not suffered from the harsh Nigerian weather? For the sake of justice and FIFA’s ‘fair play,’ somebody ought to have ensured that all these while, I enjoyed whatever makes other 201 Nigerians to qualify for Ribadu’s list. Like overstuffed bank accounts and Tafa-like tummy!

Still, I sympathise with Ribadu for omitting my name – though I’m considering suing him for the action. My anger is that even when they ‘dash’ people national honours for stealing Nigeria dry, nobody remembers me. On the regular census day, I’m never counted. Even on voter’s registration period, only PDP ‘bigmen’ get their ugly faces in Iwu’s magic machine. Nonsense! Why should I be so forgotten in this country? If he could remember long names like Kwankwaso, why should he forget mine that is just five letters? And for ease, repeat the same name, chikena!

 I’ve already discussed with my lawyer, who has just been ‘called’ to “Mama Ijeoma’s Bbar”! Ribadu’s major handicap, when it came to my name, I was told, had to do with the pronunciation. While some of his Yoruba aides were said to have substituted the ‘s’ with ‘z’; some Igbo assistants called it with their lips in the air. The result, according to the computer, was that they ended up with a word that sounds like ‘sorrow’. Those from Delta/Edo axis replaced the ‘u’ with ‘o,’ and substituted the first ‘o’ with an ‘a.’ 

Anyway, just when I concluded plans to nail him, Ribadu apologised to me. With an expanaton. For any ‘inconvenience’ the dropping of my name may have caused my mother. I woke this morning to meet his apology on the roof of my house. “It was the confusion that led to the omission of your name, please accept our apology,” he wrote. So, I now understand that it’s not easy writing the names, especially if you have poor handwriting like some doctors. Or can’t spell some names, like some policemen. Which is why some of the persons he had earlier ‘indicted’, ‘tried’, ‘judged’, ‘convicted’, etc, were omitted from the list. Some Governors, with avalanche of petitions against them, escaped the list. I heard Ribadu could not spell their names. Another idiot claimed that the lepa man actually included some names but Aso-power crossed them out on the excused that they were written with faulty typewriters!

I swear, Ribadu has tried. Compiling so many names and arriving at a result so soon is not easy. Check it out. In last year’s census, for instance, it took Makama and his team of numerous enumerators and counters many days to count our heads. They asked a few stupid questions like: Does your house have a roof? Did you use zinc or ice block? Still, it took them about nine months to release a result. But not Ribadu. He asked none of such nonsense questions. In fact, the argument by some of those indicted is that they have never been asked questions. What does it matter, anyway? Asking questions delays action. It would have even delayed the release of the second edition of the list, jo! 

I thank Ribadu for spelling all the lip-twisting names some Nigerians bear. Well, he forgot my own, but that’s okay. I have a forgiving ‘spirit,’ I guess it’s called Napoleon Brandy! See, for writing a long list and forgetting some, I hereby ‘dash’ Ribadu my late uncle’s Air Force pip. He should add it to the ones Baba ‘dashed’ him recently. 

• First published in Saturday Sun of  Feb 10, 2007