Nigerians, every hungry for stomach reform, have grown impervious to government promises. Conditioned by years of empty promises, they now wear thick skepticism like tortoise’s shield. Read up!
I promised my kid sister’s daughter a box of candy once. It wasn’t just any candy. The kind with caramel centers and chocolate so smooth. She was excited, eyes sparkling. But…I didn’t.
Next time, I promised her the end of the earth. “It’s out there, just beyond the hills. A place where the world stops, and you can see the whole sky stretch out forever.” She believed me. Trusted, too. But…I lied.
After that, she stopped believing. It didn’t matter what I said. If I told her the sun would rise tomorrow, she’d look at me with that knowing skepticism. Welcome to Nigeria!
Ah, Nigeria! The land of gbese, ego mgbazinye, bashi, ison and “just give us 24 hours” promises! If you’ve followed Nigerian politics for a while, you’ll know that we are now experts in the art of skepticism. Once the government announces a new reform, the first reaction is, “Na lie!”
That, too, greeted President Tinubu’s latest bright idea: tax reforms. Na wa o! We’ve heard so many reforms already, it’s hard to keep track. From the days of “change” promises to the “progressive” speeches, we’ve seen it all. We’ve been promised power, roads, and jobs. Yet, we only see more potholes, blackouts, and unemployment instead. But hey, let’s just focus on the latest: tax reform.
We’ve seen it before
Blame us, if you will. We’ve seen it all before, abi? From the “yoghurt promises” of the past to the “pounded yam reforms” that went nowhere. We’ve been scammed too many times, I swear. The result? We now squint at Tinubu’s picture, as if he’s as invisible as the fuel subsidy benefits he keeps promising. Yet, I can’t build 753 duplexes for stomach reform, like Ogbuefi Emefi!
Oh, forget those big, empty speeches about infrastructure and social services. My uncle in Lagos has been waiting for the road to his stomach to be “fixed” since 1999. The roads his backyard toilet has more potholes than some of Tinubu’s policies. How can he ever have stomach reform?
Tax reform without stomach reform? Na wahala!
Suddenly, Tinubu pushes tax reform as the potential saviour of the poor masses. No time to education. No reorientation, whatsoever. Now, confusion has set in: “Abeg, we go dey pay tax for Wi-Fi now? What about my alcoholic beverages? I hope dem no tax my suya and pounded yam o!”
The way Nigerians see it, tax reforms are like tortoise promises. They’re always slow. And, the journey often ends in disappointment. After all, we’ve been through the VAT increase journey and the personal income tax hike saga. The only thing that increased was the government officials’ tummies and cheeks.
So, Nigerians are not skeptical for fun. No, no. We’re skeptical because our government has trained us well. Every time the government makes a promise, I remember my cunning uncle. The man once told me, “Give me your biscuit, I’ll buy you a car!” Then, he used my biscuit to drink palmy. We’ve been scammed, played, and teased for too long!
You see, even my village idiot is now so skeptical, too. “Wait, wait, wait, before you talk about tax reform, show us the receipts. How far with the last one they promised? What happened to the affordable housing? How about the one-million jobs they told us in 2015? Where are they now? Did they turn to ghosts?” I had no answer.
Lawmakers’ haste raises questions
Maybe, we should ask our representatives in the National Assembly. Oh, man! Did you see our lawmakers last week? These same people who can spend months fighting over whether to add a “tin of sardines” to the national budget suddenly ran a rat race to pass the tax reform bill. They could have used five minutes. Some didn’t even open the bill. Or even understand the letters. All they wanted was to push it out like Wike brushing the Indian PM in Aso Rock. But why can’t they rush fixing our health system, like that?
Every lawmaker is now a reformer. Sharp! No time to waste, Christmas is in two weeks, joor. Don’t mind Senator Ali Ndume. Who has time to debate on an “executive bill”? Abi, you want to correct Baba Tinubu’s grammar? Our lawmakers only “debate” on our welfare. That’s where they need time to argue, speak long grammar and drag their feet. One clown said bills that would move their pockets forward need no waste of time. Who am I to argue with a clown?
Swing support
The only thing obvious to a bigheaded fool like me is the way support swings. Legislative backing now has tribal, regional and political biases. Those from the south support the bill. The northerners say no. APC members are all for it. Except Ndume and my gateman! Both have even threatened to leave the party. To join El Rufai’s tea party, abi?
Anyway, the lawmakers just use us as cover to disagree. They’ll shout party slogans and regional sentiments, but when Akpabio sends “prayers” to their mailboxes, everywhere goes ‘soft”! And guess who’s left in the cold? Us!
But wait a minute! The concept of this tax reform could be the game-changer, though. That is, if the government is sincere for once. But can it ever be? Imagine better roads, better schools, better healthcare, and more jobs. Can Tinubu’s tax reform eventually lead to the real stomach reform we’ve all been waiting for? After all, a little extra tax revenue could go a long way—deep into our bellies!
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