The moment a fortune teller offered to read my face, I knew something was wrong. Why my face and not my palm? Two answers – it’s either I was getting too ugly or getting old. But since I already knew about my legendary ugliness, it had to be the wrinkles, abi?
Well, I asked everybody around but none seemed to be telling the truth. Not even the grandfather-mirror.
Me: Mirror! Mirror!! Who is the most beautiful man?
Mirror: You, Fairest Sir!
Me: Fairest? When ‘m black like charcoal? Anyway, Mirror! Mirror!! Should I contest the beauty pageant in 2007?
Mirror: Sir, after you, there’s no other. You must ‘run.’ In fact, you have already won. If you don’t run, Mantu would die. And so would Adamu.
Me, run?! From or to what?
Well, I actually tried to think about it (running as exercise) a few times. But, you see, each time, I just lie there until the thought goes away. That, according to the doctor, is the first sign of old age.
Me: Doctor, why is it that each time I think I know the answer to everything, nobody asks me questions?
Doctor: Ah! Mr, that means you are getting old. The moment you think you’re the only one with the answers, something’s wrong in your system. It might even be your head. Before you ‘run’ (into the market?), you need to see a specialist – a psychiatrist.
Me: Are you saying I’m going mad? You de craze! Am I not the one performing all the magic in the land? I even reformed my toilet. In fact, the other day, I had to seal it up so nobody uses it anymore. I’ve even placed everybody in my household on fasting. That’s reform…and I’m the only one who can do it.
Doctor: Sir, you may be getting old, but age doesn’t always bring wisdom. Sometimes, it comes alone. And that is a problem.
Me: Nonsense! The only problem I have is that every time I think I understand something, I regain consciousness. Somebody said if I jog around the room, I’d get over it.
Well, the wise doctor disagreed. “Jogging and running are polls apart,” he said. Like walking and trekking? One’s for pleasure; the other’s strenuous. But if that’s the case, why are old soldiers and Customs-men planning to represent Nigeria at the next Olympic?
Suddenly, self-acclaimed athletes (?) have announced they would represent us. Recycled and failed leaders to ‘run’? To where? “I’ll run in 2007,” they sang in nursery rhyme. How many of them do the past records recommend? Okay, so they have the constitutional right (and democratic left?) to ‘run.’ But somebody should be kind enough to add ‘away!’ – for some of them. Only relief: their declarations – of fake or real intentions – indicate a failed attempt to push Baba down our throats again.
But running isn’t a joke. To run, I’m told, you must be fired by something. For reliable answers, I visited the psychiatrist my family doctor recommended:
Me: Hey! Young man, I don’t have time to waste. Am I mad or am I? I have this incessant urge to run…
Psycho: You’re not mad sir, just pushed around the bend…
Me: Speak English, young man! I’ve never gone near a bend. Makes me dizzy, easily. Anyway, how does that explain the urge to run?
Doctor: Something must ‘push’ a man. Greed. Ambition. Or even his wife! Running isn’t a problem, provided you have clearance from your mechanic. And your legs.
Me: I mean beauty contest, stupid!
To run a good race, I’m told, an athlete should be free of burdens. If you ever had problems with their legs and conscience like IBB, it won’t be easy. If you’re playing a script, like Marwa, you may fall by the side. If you’re consumed by sectional sentiment, like Yerima, you might win only in your house. If you keep talking about reform with human face, like Atiku, you may end up like Obasanjo. If you’re much of a fighter like Kalu, there could be a problem.
Anyway, I’m told that growing old is mandatory, but growing, itself, is optional. I think that’s what we’ve witnessed in this nation. We’ve had rulers who’ve refused to grow – with time, experience and their age. So, why can’t they clear space for younger people?
The problem with old politicians always angling for repeated ‘rations’ is that they always fail. I guess it’s not exactly their fault. Isn’t that what they call ‘diminishing return’ in Economics? It’s worse in a case of senile dementia. Ask the doctor. And, of course, a professor told me, there are three signs to it – the first is loss of memory. The other two, he’d forgotten.
Time to quit is when the knees buckle and the belt won’t. There’s no point trying to get your head together only for your body to fall apart. Rather, we need leaders whose minds are intact. People who control their minds and are deeply ready to salvage the situation of the masses. Not rogues positioning to rape the masses and rob the nation more.
FROM YOU TO ME
Usoro, why are we wasting our time in this country over this “Third-Term”? Can’t we just get a can of Aerosol or whatever and spray the “Third Term-ites”?
08055828144
Usoro, my father’s sister whom we fondly call ‘Auntie 3rd term’ has been declared missing. She travelled to Abuja to see our 2nd uncle. Please kindly help me check if she was arrested by (Aso) forces. Incase she is detained, please beg Baba that she’s auntie and not ‘anti.’ She is 100 per cent royal
Moses Odinkema, 08024348618
My dear Usoro, your write-up on ‘We, the abandoned projects’ was juicy as usual. Wicked Nigerian politicians have abandoned us but the Almighty God will never abandon us in Jesus name.
Dan Ekikor. 08027711588
Usoro, do you want to kill me with laughter because you are a journalist? Please take it easy because I haven’t eaten for a week now. Please, tell me when you become a pastor and the name of your ministry, because the way am looking at it now, you are after my pocket.
Ik., Lagos. 08033238399
Usoro, I’ve to commend you on the wonderful job you’re doing in your column, keep up the good work.
Bruno 211, from Funtua, Katisna State.08045036701
Bro. Usoro, reading your column weekly is not enough but daily to pacify “we, the abandoned projects”.
08058871341
Usoro, it has become characteristic of the PDP government to use paid hooligans to protest against people who are against their evil plans. They did it when NLC embarked on strike against fuel price hike. Now it’s against Atiku because of his opposition of third term agenda. What a shame!!
08033364801
Thank you for another beautiful piece on the abandoned projects. Send a copy of the Bible you used and recorded tape of the sermon to Baba as Easter gift.
08044102439
If you don’t want me to call police for you, refund all the money I spend buying “Saturday Sun” because of you. The Lord strengthen your hands. Amen!
A.S Gana. 08057812529
Hi, Usoro, pray fervently to God to earnestly intervene the way He did to rescue us from Abacha in June 1998, simple and straight forward.
Adeosun L. Oyelowo. 08053601789
I bought the Saturday Sun on Sunday in Uyo, Maybe the paper was going through due process before it got to Uyo. Your sermon was so good. I really like the words ‘Aunty Third Term” and “Apostle Fani-Kayode.” Good thinking from you. Keep it up sir…
Asa. 08023311791
Hello, Mr. Usoro, more grease to your elbow. “We, the abandoned projects, belong to GOD” is worth reading over and over. Fire on.
Chudi. 08035340676
Kai Usoro, despite the fact that you love Nigerian masses, what power do they have plus your pen put together to checkmate the cabals in power? Adeosun L. Oyelowo, Owode 08053601789
Gosh! I don’t know what word to describe you with, but all I know is that you are Simple The Best.
080249495674
There’s nothing mischievous in the Vice President’s declaration to run for presidency. It is in fact incumbent on him to protect the Constitution that put them in power as well as our hard-earned democracy. He must not allow himself to be intimidated into joining the band of sycophants and shameless praise singers that are urging the president to perpetrate himself in power, even though he ought to know better. History will judge them all! Carry on Mr. V. P! God will give us victory!
08025572314
- First published in Saturday Sun of April 15, 2006
Leave feedback about this