Here’s your New Year resolution.

‘Here’s your New Year resolution’ is straight from the archives. It’s valued for its historical and entertaining imports. The characters may have changed but the experience persist. Enjoy!

I’m tired of waiting for people to give me “bundles of lies” at the beginning of each year. Resolutions they have no intention of keeping. Some don’t even make up their minds what to do. So, I have dropped the “re” in the matter and hereby present the “solution.” Just to save you the trouble and show, here’s your New Year resolution. Warning: If yours isn’t here, please align with the next man’s. Or see me in  private. Not in the toilet, please, I won’t be another Chris Ngige – flushing a serious issue into the toilet.

I spent some time interviewing some personalities, and here they are:

Mr Olusegun Obasanjo: I have decided to be a better president this year. That’s my New Year resolution.For that reason, Chris Uba would supply us more GMG bags. So that we can get the National Assembly “furnished” with the “relevant incentives” to boost their productivity whenever we make “totally unacceptable” policies. Like the fuel price increase. Don’t forget, eeehmm, eeehhhhhmmm, that Nigeria still has the highest; I mean the lowest fuel price in my dream.

Mr. Journalist, are you sleeping? Another question, or is my answer too long again? Oh! One moment, before I forget. I have decided to read newspapers this year and also check my growing tummy.  It’s not good for my image. The other day I saw my out-of-prison photograph and I was shocked. It is totally unacceptable for anybody to publish such a picture. I still had tribal marks then; that sign of Owu stubbornness. You see, it is that “virtue” that I admire in Ngige. Sometimes I wonder if that man is not from Owu. I told him to pay Uba his money or resign but he refused. Instead, he’s growing more beards and spending Anambra money wearing Oshiomhole’s labour cap. Who is he fighting? I hope I’m not talking too much again.

Mr Orji Kalu: Well, last year, I played for Eyimba and they won the cup. At least, they now have something to drink water with. I wasn’t very comfortable when all the players drank water directly from the bottle. This year, my resolution is that I’ll sign up for the Super Eagles. At least, I can help them win a spoon, with a little seriousness and motivation. I may be Abia governor, but my ultimate plan is to be coach, NFA chairman or Nigeria’s president.

Ms Iyabo Obasanjo: The problem with Nigeria is that there are too many marriages. I can’t understand why people should stay married. It spoils fun. Every married woman in Nigeria should be divorced this year, in Jesus name. Yet, I have resolved to get married again, maybe this year – even if it means borrowing a hyphen from Ruth Benamisia-Opia and Kehinde Young-Harry. I just have to answer a different name. I really don’t want to get old with one name.

Mr Tunji Baithwaite: I once tried to be Nigeria’s president so I could kill all the mosquitoes in the land. If I had succeeded, we won’t be talking about malaria now, would we? I think I have to expand my scope, next time. This year, my resolution is to buy a broom, otapiapia, a tin of insecticide and next year I would NAP all the cockroaches, rats and mosquitoes in 2007.

National Population Commission (NPC): We must interview all the mad people in Nigeria. We already suspect where they are but let the experts do some work for a change. Hence, psychologists would help us examine Lagos drivers, judges, policemen and politicians. Anyone found insane would be sent to a solitary confinement at Otta Farm.

Mr Alex Ekweme: I shall not make any comment on the Anambra crisis until NPC counts all the mad men and women in Nigeria. I want to be sure how many of them are in Government Houses across the nation. They may, however, have to exclude the disheveled guy at the road junction, who tries to fold the highway every time yet insists he’s not mad but only “a little unwell.”

Mr Tafa Balogun: My men would work so hard this year that every motorist would not be harassed by robbers. Only policemen. That’s my resolution. The new law is that everybody must “roger.” And we would secure everywhere for robbers to operate without molestation. Personally, I would add more feathers to my tummy, sorry, my police cap. And I will reward my tailor handsomely, if he enlarges  all my trousers to hide my frame and the Okija patrons list.

Mr Chris Ngige: I would not resign “under pressure.” I can only do it “on top of” pressure. So what if I did not win election, am I the only one? Why has nobody pushed OGD into a toilet, after all the Supreme Court has annulled him. Anyway, this year, Uba and I must sign about ten peace accords. It’s not our fault, I think there’s something wrong with our choice of car. Maybe we should have bought Honda Legend, instead of that damned accord. Well, in case the “legend” fails too, I would enlarge the toilet this year, so that I won’t suffocate in it, in case Uba returns for another video coverage of my resignation.

Look, I did not tell anybody that I did not win election. All I said was, “I know,” when Uba asked me, “you know that you did not win that election?” Now, how does that translate into “I did not win election”? Anyway, why should Obasanjo tell me to resign after he agreed to keep our family secret. We are all moral burdens in PDP. He should resign too, after all, by implication, he too did not win. Take Ogun and Anambra, as example.

Mr Chris Uba: I’m the godfather. Know what that means? Get an educated person to interpret Mario Puzo’s book, “The Godfather” to you. Or watch the film. Very educating. Anyway, my god-uncle in Aso Rock has assured me I would get my investment back this year – dead or alive. But if we have to burn Anambra to uncover my money, I got a gold lighter from the Presidency.

Mr Gbenga Daniel: How can anybody say there was no election in Ogun, when INEC made sure Osoba lost? Now, Supreme Court annulled an election that did not hold. It even annulled me, my powers and my family. Yet, they say I should resign. How do you write a resignation letter after your strength has been annulled? My resolution is that it’s best to pretend I won. And why should I resign when the man who rigged me in, that Guobadia fellow, is still there. And Baba too.

Mr Me: I swear by the waste product of your Christmas rice that I interviewed the characters above. In my dream. You see, I only tried to obey one politician who keeps telling his people to dream big. May be “big dreams” make sleeping worthwhile. Anyway, I have resolved to do more than brushing my teeth this year.

I must leave my footprints in the sands of time, at least at the Bar beach. To start with, since I don’t want to make the NPC census list of mad people, I promise to undress only in private places – like my sitting room. I shall remain a vegetarian unless someone else kills the animal. I don’t want to disobey the “Thou shall not kill” rule. And I promise to eat only vegetables, when I’m tired of eating meat. This year, I have resolved to figure out a way to be warm in my behaviour, articles and eating habits. And just as friendly as the Alsatian dog  to  thieves.

• First published in Saturday Sun of  Jan 01, 2005