This month, I planned to sell myself, then give the proceeds to the tsunami victims in South East Asia.  I actually put “for sale” label on my forehead, like a Pentecostal Pastor advertising a miracle crusade. Then, I put another behind –with letters bold enough that even Arisekola and Chris Uba could read. But nobody came out to buy me. So, I decided to donate myself to “charity.”

You see, this lady called Charity must be a very lucky person. Each time there’s a crisis, she benefits. Instead of people donating to the victims of the disaster, they “pledge” their donations to “charity.” Imagine! Disaster Fund goes to Charity, not disaster victims. Haba! Everything is done in the name of charity – “Charity concert,” “Charity ball,” “Charity match.” Even cheques are written in her name. In the end, the victims are forgotten in their woes and the donors go back home with undeserved glory, more contract prospects and huge money.

Wherever charity is from, she must be a multi-millionaire. I’m even tempted to accuse her of praying for disasters. When the Bakassi problem started, some smart fellows quickly saw a path to public light and wealth. Pronto! They gathered some material gifts and money in the name of the displaced people. But neither the items nor the organisers got to Bakassi. Then, “charity” influenced Obasanjo to level Odi and Zaki Ibiam. And there was another round of donations. Each time Kano, Kaduna, Plateau or even Lagos erupts in ethno-religious crisis, “charity” carts home trucks of clothes that eventually end up at Katangowa in Lagos, Onitsha, Kano or other major markets. The cash goes to “charity’s” private account. 

Successive governments ignored the Ikeja ammo dump until the expired bombs exploded and killed thousands. In panic, thousands more ran to their death in the Oke Afa canal. Obasanjo came and shouted down the distraught survivors and set up a committee to collect donations for charity. But what about the victims? They were thrown out of the resettlement camps a few weeks later. They neither got any of the relief materials or the millions of money pooled. Charity had taken all home.

Charity is a smart, fortunate and opportunistic Nigerian. Her opposite number is a wretched fellow called “Needy.” From January to December, the only time we remember the “needy” is during festivities. Then, you see two bags of rice, a carton of detergent, a tin of beverage and camera-conscious public officers or their wives on TV. They are the only things “charity” can give to the “needy” – usually the motherless babies. We, the fatherless babies, are always left in the streets to fend for ourselves.

Now, charity has me free. But I swear, the next person wouldn’t be that lucky. Since the tsunami swept through Asia and Somalia, I’ve been thinking of what to do to help. But now that it has affected the PDP, I’m thinking of how to make money. I might set up a disaster fund for the party. Or start selling family-sized umbrellas for individual members of PDP. Clearly, that symbol that once stood for all-inclusiveness, togetherness and care for the other has either been torn or too small to cover all. 

When a party disintegrates to a situation the component groups begin to be visible, asserting their independence and all, then it’s time for the funeral. PDP benefited from the inherent contradictions which threatened the initial existence of AD and APP, pre-1999. Some of the formidable groups like the G-34, PDM, etc, were the machineries that threw up General Obasanjo to “power-point.” Now, the man climbed the ladder and held onto it, leaving everyone in contemplation. And the crystal ball says he might soon push it off so another person won’t have the chance of climbing.

Check it out. The chairman of the party has just been pushed out of the umbrella by Obasanjo’s growing tummy. But I think Ogbeh was lucky it’s dry season, yet. Otherwise, he would’ve been as wet as the Indian tsunami victims. Then, somebody would’ve donated him some dry clothes “for charity.”

Well, at the moment, different countries have pledged to contribute towards restoring the tsunami victims to normal life. And Nigeria has formed a Tsunami Relief Fund with some credible names on the board. Commendable move. Buhari has put in N100,000 into the purse and I donate myself to the course. But I’m afraid. Somebody somewhere might be waiting for the team to gather the money, then rubbish the good job by diverting it to become richer overnight. 

Well, while we are at it, everybody should take note – it doesn’t matter if yours is 80 leaves or a higher education notebook. Just take it, jare. Now, note that there’s a danger somewhere when it comes to “relief.” In the last few weeks, since it became public that Obasanjo does not want anybody to “relief” him of the burden of (mis)ruling Nigeria – in 2007, he has “relieved” people of their jobs, instead. Sometimes, it becomes a “big relief” issue that needs a gun as a motivation. Ask Ogbeh. At this point, I think we need a relief agency for some used-and-dumped PDP chieftains – Lar, Ekwueme, Awoniyi, Rimi, Ogbeh, etc. And, oh!  A “requiem” for Boda Tafa, the fat cop who was a PDP “chief security officer.” Now, all those who went to school at the “Okija Shrine,” should arrange a “soft landing” for Tafa’s belle before the man stubbles and vomits the Okija register – o. That is, if he has not donated it to “charity” already.

There’re beautiful rules and lessons about “charity” and “relief” in the scam called Nigeria. 

One, the poor stays down. You don’t deserve a “relief,” stupid. So, “charity” takes it home.

Two, morality isn’t for the rich and mighty. So, steal what you can in public office.  Then, retire in “relief.” Hey, that loot is your retirement benefit, smart guy.

Sometimes, “charity” could be some greedy politicians and political merchants. They would steal even a dog’s droppings if they were in the public coffers. That kind of “charity” holds gun to people’s heads and there’s never a chance for free will.

FROM MY MAILBOX

The bomb

Dear Usoro, I love the way you handle topics, your articles are the bomb. Keep it up. 

stephen chukwu” <stevenchukwu2002@yahoo.com>  

Not our portion.

PDP-tsunami will not be the portions of Nigerians. I admire your cunning bravery. Voice it out!

Stanley Innocent” <princestanley87@yahoo.com>  

More ink to your pen

Usoro , that was a very good one on Nigeria’s tsunami. May God give you the courage to keep saying it as it is. It is only pathetic that our leaders are deliberately calling a spade a shovel.  More ink to  your pen.

 “shamnom david” <shingu4real@yahoo.com>  

Tell them

Usoro, I once read your article on a Nigerian minister who fed a girl with money and I found it very interesting.  I admire your fearless kind of writing. Tell them, they need to be confronted before they can change. Keep it up, that’s encouraging. 

“onyinye izundu” <deguzmaan@yahoo.com

• First published in Saturday Sun of  Jan 22, 2005