Thank God that Olympic nonsense has ended. Now I can settle down to watch that programme  teaching men to measure the size of their wives’ pants. Your Choice! I think it should be named “Mastering Marriage Headaches.” There’s also that talk show “anchored” by General Olusegun Obasanjo – the one laced with a lot of throat-clearing as closing shots.

Now, how come nobody has thought of including throat-clearing and self-praise as an Olympic sport? It’s unfair! The only games we would have won gold were not listed. I swear on the “tallest” Bible that Baba  would have got those medals for Nigeria. Those who went  to Athens returned down cast. And Patrick Ekeji, Nigeria’s director of Sports, begins to delude himself that the athletes did their best. But can we say same of the administrators?  No! Their shoddy preparation only earned us two miserable consolation prizes of bronze. Yet, another clown even described it as “golden-bronze.” Ekeji confessed that “two or three months of preparations were not enough for the Olympics.” Hey, man! If that’s an admission of guilt, apologise outright and return all the money meant for the preparations to me, directly.

My greatest regret is that I didn’t  go to Olympic. I would’ve done this country proud. At least, I would’ve bought a few things into about ten cases – for  “downloading” at Idumota market.  Especially, if I was one of the officials. Or maybe a relation of somebody who knows somebody  in a “power  house.” And why not? It’s been a tradition. Sometimes, sports officials appear at such meets with their girlfriends and relations. All at the taxpayers’ expense. 

Look, believe it or not, I’m an athlete. Ask my mum. I started  my “physical activities” – running and kicking  – right inside her womb.  And I’m told an athlete is “somebody who has the necessary abilities to participate in physical exercise, especially in competitive situations such as games, races and matches.” So, who says I did not qualify to go to Athens? Me, I play “games,”,jare!  Sometimes, I win my wife in Ludo. “Ludo is a game,” remember?  I “race” everyday  to the toilet. I even won Olympic gold, once. But my wife claimed it was her earring. I often “race” to the fridge for a glass of water. Very competitive! I always win my  10-month–old daughter.  I no try? And I participate in “matches” too, especially when ever NEPA “takes light.” No choice. I must use matches, if I must light lantern, abi? And for doing all those sports in Olympic, I would have earned, at least three sets of tracksuits and “estacode.”

At a  point, I had considered sending my wife. But I couldn’t stand the risk of her “defecting” to Spain, Great Britain or even Mongolia. It’s possible because if she were poorly treated by the Nigerian sports officials, she might have joined the next flight to where athletes are valued and respected.  Like any sports person, the only nonsense my wife takes is when you slap her with wads of the highest denomination of valuable currency. Come closer, I don’t want to shout. You see, I’m afraid,  because no TV show has yet told us how to handle a “running wife.”

I can never understand how some men cope with female athletes. Imagine, a woman who runs like 500 metres or marathon in your house. Now, where is the space for training? From parlor to kitchen? You can’t talk “anyhow” to that woman. Try it and she packs her things and runs on foot straight from Lagos (for instance) to Spain, Obudu or even  Koma village. Leaving you hanging on the door like a discarded towel.  

Well, maybe that’s better than marrying a female weightlifter, a discuss thrower, a boxer  or a wrestler. One would lift you high like a rag doll and swing till you beg for mercy like Nigerian sports. The other would throw you out of her bed, if not the entire house. For a boxer or wrestler wife,  get a helmet and learn to cook fast – if you want to stay alive. Take a tip.  If you “run your mouth,” there would  be no referee  to interfere – not that it matters in wrestling, anyway.

Athletes, especially the females, deserve more respect. Especially those still taking the risk to represent Nigeria. For it’s not easy wearing G-string pants and tank tops in an Olympic stadium. And competing, without adequate preparations, against those well motivated and catered for. Yet,  never  being appreciated after the show. 

Check it out, since “thy  kingdom come,” only a female athlete has won Olympic gold for Nigeria. Then, nothing like motivation came her way. Even the Falcons spent their money fixing plastic hair called “attachment” to head football. Yet, nobody as much as sympathised enough to swallow paracetamol  on their behalf.  Their match bonuses always sink into controversy.  Mere pittance. Yet, they’re never paid. Would NFA have done that to the male team and got away with it? I swear by my eyeglass. If my wife was an athlete and a charlatan, claiming to be a sports manager tried to mess her up, I would have killed somebody with a water gun.

Now, if NFA would not be paying our female footballers match bonuses at least they should get padded bras for some “flat-chested” babes. Such minor concerns could distract our girls on a match pitch. A Falcon, struggling to pack her “chest” into a loosening bra cup even missed a pass. Was that enough to make them loss to Sweden, after scoring first and obviously playing better? Oh! A clown said they did us proud. Well, can we say same of the officials?

The only people I watched at the Athens Olympic were our female athletes. It wasn’t about the near flabby laps on display but much of hope. Hope from Atlanta ‘96 Olympic where Chioma Ajunwa won gold in long jump. Well, there was also hope from the soccer gold won by the Kanu Nwankwo-led U-23 team. But my hope wasn’t  as baseless as that of the Sports Minister Musa Mohammed, who thought 10 medals could be won  through press statements.

Anyway, by failing to win gold, the Nigeria sports officials lost. They would have enjoyed the “Olympic hug” that was so much on display at the games. And nobody would have worried about the unjustifiable number of officials that spent our money to go sightseeing Athens. Yes, the athletes did their best. But Team Nigeria lost, because those responsible for preparations failed. Selfishness and greed took away their vision. So Nigeria failed even  before the delegation left for Athens.

Imagine! Surrounded by Atlantic  and submerged in flood as we are,  Nigeria couldn’t raise a team to win gold in swimming.  Pity! We run  everyday to enter “molue.” And some even trek from Kano to  Onitsha (when there’s riot), yet we couldn’t win gold in the races. Imagine! We even lost in a simple game like “hugging.” Games as simple as Tafa Balogun writing four police reports on one case! Now, if we can’t win in simple events, shall we ever win in mouth twisting ones like Steeplechase, Heptathlon and  bicycle sprint?

Obasanjo should host the athletes. “Dash” them a presidential handshake. As usual, somebody should get a contract to organise a gala night for the returnee athletes. But no “gala” must be served there – o. Anyway, collect the bronze medals and send to a blacksmith. We must confirm whether the bronze is of higher quality than the one we have in Ife. Why couldn’t we get the solid gold that is so scarce in our soil? 

The athletes definitely would have done better, if they were on a foreign list. Every good field and track person seems to have “run” out of Nigeria. They now represent foreign nations and do well too. Because they are motivated, well insured and remunerated. What we see often in football came to play at the Olympic. Francis Obikwelu of Portugal, a Thompson ( another Nigerian) of Barbados, Oyepitan Abiodun of Great Britain, Joice Maduako of Great Britain, Gloria Alozie of Spain!

When would our leaders wake from their “estacode” and bribery stupor? Even before the Olympic contingent left for Athens, Falilat Ogunkoya complained of poor preparations. “The preparation,” she said, “was not done properly. It was not thorough. It will only take the fighting spirit of the athletes to get something tangible.” That lady should be a prophet. Start a church sister. And make me a treasure, in Jesus name! Together, we might even win a gold medal next time. If somebody remembers to include prophesy, TV miracles, speaking-in-tongues and establishing churches,  among Olympic sports.

• First published in Saturday Sun of  Sept 01, 2004