If you’re one of those wondering why Nigeria has scarcity of everything – security, food, justice, morality, good leaders, etc – then you haven’t heard the latest. Please, don’t tell anybody – o! I heard there’s even scarcity of hangmen!

Recently, when Saddam Hussein was sentenced to death by hanging in Iraq, a battalion of hangmen, in minutes, held a meeting at the village square. According to my earphone, the chairman of hangmen asked just one question: ‘Who will hang Saddam?’ Surprisingly, nobody answered. Why? Because everybody did – at the same time.  The answer, I’m told, came in ‘a battalion of cacophony.’  So, they selected those who kept quiet to do the job. In anger, they strangled the man to death and showed the rest on TV! 

But in Nigerian, things are different. When King Kong, sorry, King Hang. Common! I mean, Reverend King, bagged a similar sentence, somebody said he would live to be a hundred. Why? No hangman!

I’m told there are hundreds of condemned convicts awaiting the hangman. But the guy has given himself leave – trying to recover from the last do. So, there’s truly a scarcity of hangmen. Yet, nobody bothers to tell either the convicts or the nation that there’s vacancy for such an important job.  I heard the only ‘guy,’ who does the job takes years to sacrifice to the gods before hanging one person. He first practices it with the chicken, during Christmas. And with ram, during Ileya. Then, he does another ablution for a year to scare off the stubborn spirit of the guy he hanged last. Sometimes, he offers the spirits ogogoro and pepper. Then, discusses with them all night! And when he’s ready to hang another person, he’s old enough to retire. Or die!

But I think government is unfair to a promising career.  Why can’t Obasanjo or the governors appoint hangmen the way they appoint Chief Judges? It’s really annoying that a job, which could have helped us to get rid of all the bad politicians, has no credible process of succession. Or enrolment! 

So, when you can’t buy meat on Easter Day, blame the hangman. Because if the guy had been available to ‘hang’ the cows, there won’t be scarcity of meat. If there’s no fuel, blame the hangman. Because if somebody hadn’t hung the prices and the nozzles, I wouldn’t be urinating into my fuel tank every morning. If there’s injustice in the polity, blame the hangman. Because if he hadn’t ‘hanged’ (like the Americans would say) the rights of the people, there won’t be many ‘leftists’ in town. If there’s political crisis after party primaries/elections, blame the hangman. Because if the selfish guy hadn’t ‘hanged’ the people’s popular will, there won’t be trouble.

I suggest that ‘hangmen,’ even if they are one-and-half left, should form an association. Call it Hangmen’s Association of Nigeria (HAN) or whatever you will. But, by jove, do something to protect your career.  Like insisting on a constitutional protection.  Check it out. Since many people are afraid of blood, there’s need to put it in the constitution that ‘hangmanship’ should be hereditary. That way, nobody would be bold enough to challenge the holder of the office. Welcome to the monarchy; the kingdom of hangmen!

You see, in this era of fake products, claims, etc, even NAFDAC would not be able to detect charlatans in the job. Supposing JJ Okocha claims he’s a ‘hangman,’ can anybody argue? Well, he promised to ‘hang’ his boots after the World Cup qualifiers last year, but does that make him a ‘hangman’?  I know a guy who manufactures clothe ‘hangers,’ but is he a ‘hangman’?  A pilot can also claim to be a ‘hangman.’ That is, if he’s suspended in the harness below the wing of an aircraft without an engine, to steer the contraption. It’s called ‘hang glider,’ abi? Even you can claim to be a ‘hangman;’ especially if you feel reluctant to give madam feeding money. But then, madam too can claim to be a ‘hangman.’ Or woman. Afterall, she has endured a lot from you and is still ‘hanging in there’.   I guess every Nigerian can claim to be a ‘hangman’, after ‘hanging onto’ hopes of a better future on end. But the masses can’t ever compete with the politicians who ‘hang out’ everyday at the expense of our pockets. Eventually, they always acquire, along with our national cake and chin-chin, the ‘hangover’ of power. Yes, at election time, electorate ‘hang together.’ Still, there’s scarcity of ‘hangmen’. Why?

I suppose if the job is made hereditary, everybody would go home and sleep. Except, the hangman. And his clan. But the good thing is that it would be constitutional, okay? There’d be no more controversy over succession – the way my people, in Akwa Ibom, are doing. Adults and hitherto respectable elders would not reduce themselves into clowns, the way some of the PDP guber aspirants in Akwa Ibom have been doing. Imagine! After the 2003 election, Chief Don Etiebet and Dr Ime Umanah never saw eye-to-eye with Attah. Today, because they failed at the primaries, they now ‘hang out’ with Attah at the Governor’s Lodge – in Abuja!  

Hold a moment! Did I hear some clowns talking about stakeholders’ meeting? Yet, nobody invited my grandma. Or even my dog. Who the hell are the stakeholders in Akwa Ibom? The last time I checked, none of them held anything, not even a yam ‘stake.’ Instead, they were all eyeing the public till.  Who are the stakeholders without us? I heard the so-called stakeholders have been searching for a fellow called ‘consensus.’ True? True!  How irregular! Ime Umanah says he’s the consensus candidate. Ibok Essien claims the name, too. Udoma Bob Ekarika cries his nickname is ‘consensus.’ And Don Etiebet insists his last title in PDP, years back, was ‘consensus’! Okay, call all of them Messrs Consensus, if you may. But, did PDP not say it has picked its governorship candidate? Please, let peace be in Akwa Ibom. We still have over 40-something parties. Go to another one, if rejected by PDP. But let peace reign!

Still, they all say ‘no.’ Including the Governor.  And that gets me thinking. If Attah was a hangman, and the succession constitutionally hereditary, wouldn’t that cure my headache without Panadol? He could hand over Akwa Ibom purse to his son-in-law and nobody would weep.  Later, the same purse – empty or depleted – could be passed on to his grandson. And another grandson – till they all eat from the pie. Then, when sons and sons-in-law have been exhausted, hand Akwa Ibom to his great-grand daughter, etc. Till some day, somebody would have been sensible enough to rename the state ‘Attah Dynasty.’ Or Attah State!

For now, Akwa Ibom is a state in a supposed democratic Nigeria. So, why is Attah trying the ‘hang’ the will of the people? Why does he insist on a selfish agenda of imposing the ‘I’-will against the ‘we’- will? Hey! If he’s too busy to remember anything, somebody should remind him of what he told me once: “As a person, I will not handpick who is going to be the next governor of Akwa Ibom State. Akwa Ibom people will pick their governor. I will try to spell out what I think are the necessary attributes of a governor. I’ve said it many times already, governance is no longer a matter of receiving allocation; governance has become a very intellectual thing”.

Today, Attah wants to be compensated with a governorship candidate, for stepping down for Yar’Adua. As if Akwa Ibom people asked him to spend money junketing the palaces of every village head in Nigeria – in the name of campaign. Isn’t it enough compensation if he’s ever noted as a statesman, who put the interest of his people above his ego?

Attah has done a few things right and should let us enjoy that memory, even after he leaves office. He should stop acting the ‘hangman’ – trying to hang the people’s wish; the ambition and rights of his former ‘student,’ Godswill Akpabio. Whatever Akpabio may be today – good or bad – Attah made him!

• First published in Saturday Sun of  Jan 20, 2007