It has just come to my notice (board?) that Nigerians love to hear ‘gists’ from flowers. So, now that Para-psychologist Gabriel Okunzua is dead, a few silly friends and I have decided to set up a business in that line. We promise to give all the details of what flowers, grasses and even weeds around the houses of some politicians pass on to us. Usually, the plants pretend to be necking while the ‘poli-thief-cians’ do ‘business as usual’ with our money. Then, flowers – in particular – would send us emails, text messages and security reports on the secret deals – the type Obasanjo and Atiku are ‘vomiting’ now about.
Our company is called Prediction Lies Inc. We assure our prospective clients that we would leave every stone unturned to give them the best services. There’s absolutely no point we disturbing sleeping stones; while respective ministers of Environment; Works; etc, do nothing. In any case, Ehindero has already sworn that he would ‘turn’ all the stones, gravels and rocks as punishment for not finding the killers of Williams and Daramola. As if killings hide under stones. At Prediction Lies Inc, we do not intend to duplicate lies, sorry, efforts. We plan to be innovative here. So, if Ehindero, IBB, Obasanjo or Atiku – for instance – lie on an issue, we would grant them the patent rights. Move on to other lies, thank you!
Well, for now, we have no fixed address. But you can always meet us under the bridges. In fact, we are yet to be registered by the Corporate Affairs Commission. Look, those guys are very busy trying to ‘sort’ documents on who owns Marine Float-whatever. I heard since they are getting conflicting orders from Aso Rock – to destroy and produce documents – the body has been bewildered. How does it tell the public the actual owner of the outfit? Obasanjo says Atiku owns it alone. Atiku insists it’s a joint fraud, sorry, account. But what does CAC say? It yet remains like a confused Pentecostal pastor who binds and loses at the same time. Amen, somebody!
Anyway, we assure our clients that we are not giving up on the registration. At least, we can ‘register’ our anger, can’t we? We must get NAFDAC number; INEC’s registration/voters card; EFCC/Baba approved loot, and; well, election next year!
Okay! Now, to business. Our main product, expectedly, is called ‘Predictable Lies.’ It’s very useful in helping our clients prepare for the missiles from their opponents. For instance, in the current ‘war of words’ in the Presidency, our product can prove very effective.
Sample 1: One contender could say: “All the Chimpanzees are protesting in the zoos because they are kept in cages. While you are here, free – stealing public money and bossing everyone around.”
Sample 2: Our product offers a ready reply: “You look ‘long’ like a torn towel; with a hungry jaw like a pig. Yet, you swallow money like a drunk competing with his shadow.”
Indeed, the benefit of this product is that it completely eliminates the possibility of using coercive organs (not Anita’s) like the police. Or their vindictive colleagues in the EFCC. This encourages the effective use of the mouth. While some idiots think it is only meant to ‘chop’ our money, our product shows that mouth is for talking. Revealing secrets!
Predictable Lies is a product developed from our childhood experience. As children, back in the villages, our board members remembered the little fights that never produced a winner. Usually, it started with verbal attacks. Then, a line drawn in the sand. And the challenge: ‘If na ya mama born you climb dat line.’ ‘If na ya mama born ya papa, cross dis line.’ ‘If na your papa give ya mama belle and im born you, touch my hair. ‘If na ya mama marry your papa, slap me.’ If the bolder belligerent delivers the slap, then the timid and frightened continues in a weaker tone: ‘You slap my face, abi? If na ya mama de cook for your papa, slap my face again.’ A second slap. Drum-load of tears well up. Then, a bawl!
We confess that we’ve not actually tested this product in India, China or even Sudan. But we’re optimistic that if given the opportunity to showcase its potentials in the current Obasanjo/Atiku fight, we’d prove our case. And win a Nobel Prize for innovative lies. Hence, to attract customers, we have decided to offer free services to ‘big’ men like Atiku and Obasanjo. Particularly, if they offer to tell us ‘the whole truth’ about how our money has been disappearing into private pockets.
Okay, enough of the adverts. Now, let’s do the core aspect of the business – predicting. Since Okunzua chose to die, without telling us who would win in the Aso bout, we have decided not to disappoint Nigerians. If his ‘mental art’ students like, let them claim that he traveled ‘to’ the astral plane ( or jet). We would not wait for him. We won’t even allow Pastor Tunde Bakare and others to do all the lying. I mean, predicting. Yes, we are aware that ours is a competitive market, where lies sell more than female condom. Okay, admit it! Psychology, spiced with lies and drama combine to make many richer. But our product is different. Unique. And more effective than any bleaching cream. The materials, we swear, are provided by clowns in public offices.
So, here goes our first set of predictions.
- First, we predict that tomorrow would be Sunday. And that Obasanjo-Atiku monkey, sorry, money fight would continue. The situation on the crystal ball is not different from what happens when thieves fight over how to share loots.
- Wait! What was that? The vision comes and goes like service on GSM network. Now, we can see a pot and a kettle. Both share a few things in common. They’re kept in the same room usually called kitchen. They always get heated, hence turn black with time. Yet, they fight. “I’m bigger than you,” says Mr Pot. “That’s why you swallow more money and clean mouth, because your mouth is wider,” says Mr Kettle. “Shut up! You black thief. You drink all the water boiled in you,” shouts Mr Pot. “But you too swallow water from the soup cooked in you,” alleges Mr Kettle. Pot calling kettle black? Haba!
- Well, as the Aso bout progresses, the tall man would hold the short man’s throat. Back then – as children – we called it ‘afia itong’ (neck trap). Let’s add that this method is very effective. Indeed, suffocating! It can make the victim confess or concede defeat in one second. Or even offer the assailant his grandmother in marriage. Well, we predict that the short man would retaliate by grabbing the tall man’s ‘blockos.’ Ah! Another effective and deadly tactics. In fact, if the victim is held in that position for five minutes, he would claim sole ownership of the Marine loot, sorry, Float company. Warning: Do not try this at home. This prediction would only come true if two men of unequal heights fight. Preferably, under water!
- Eventually, every Nigerian would learn how dirty linens should be washed – in the public! You need no soap; no water. Just counter lies! Soon, we’d all know why nothing gets done – why roads are not tarred. Why they withhold power supply. Why they increase fuel prices every six months. So they can make more money to steal, abi?
- The crystal ball also shows that some Nigerians would get as confused in the matter as Augustine Imevbore, the presenter of Gulder Ultimate Search 3. The guy’s been so carried away by some of the busty female frames in the contest that he forgot to evict anybody for almost a week. Our only consolation is that the Nigerian masses are not as fake as Tintin-whatever!
- Oh! Just before the light went out (we never knew the ‘power holders’ – NEPA – also control things in crystal balls) there were question marks. Over…? No! It’s not over yet. Until it’s over! The question signs appeared before issues like: NNPC accounts; transparency in Ministry of Works; Presidency’s interest in NFA; foreign reserve; implementation of the budgets; settlement of foreign debts; political killings; EFCC probes, etc.
- First published in Saturday Sun of Sept 16, 2006
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