I’ve banned my kids—especially the two-month-old girl—from watching Nigerian films. Especially movies directed and produced by Ken Nnamani and Aminu Masari. I heard they can corrupt even police-thieves. Ask the Nigerian Films and Censors Board. And the Nigerian Red Cross.
The Challenge from the banned kids
But you don’t expect children of these days to take such an instruction kindly. In fact, my two-month-old Itoro was the first to challenge me.
Itoro: Daddy, why don’t you want us to watch TV? Are we in the stone age?
Me: Baby, try and understand, though your brain is still developing like Mantu’s pocket. But I’ve just been told that films acted by lawmakers are never edited. Except when it comes to the money part. So, it corrupts young brains. They are full of lies and brutal actions.
Itoro: I don’t understand…
Me: I said so… I knew you wouldn’t…
Itoro: What is brutal action? They don’t shoot, do they? How does it corrupt? Why? What is corruption?
Me: You ask too many questions. Brutal action is when an adult struggles to push another while struggling to hold his falling pants in place. Kids shouldn’t watch that. Okay, they may not have shot anybody on Tuesday; but next time they might. The other time, a knife was found on one of them, abi?
Banning my kids and the Kung Fu dilemma
Itoro: But if we don’t watch, how would we learn kung fu?
Me: Let me finish… Well, corruption, according to a new book written by Tafa, is not all about stealing N17 billion. The lies and wrestling bouts by lawmakers also corrupt, absolutely. Ok, check this out! A child watches an old thief trying to justify why he should keep the million and oil bloc he got for supporting third term. The old man speaks all the grammar without saying anything. Note: It’s really not the man’s fault, but the child won’t understand. If it weren’t mandatory for every Senator to speak on ‘Third Term,’ many would rather hide in the toilets. So, what lesson does the child get from the adult opera?
It’s worse if the drama changes to wrestling. Or kung fu, as you called it. Usually, they dress for the camera—big agbada, documents, and well, hidden cutlasses. The director orders: Action! Suddenly, shouts cue in pushes and shoves. Then, the (dis)honourable members retire to share gin later. And you kids would be left with the burden of reenacting the drama. But since you won’t know that the lawmakers were only acting for their pockets, there lies the danger. My dear, to tell you the truth, I wanted to become a national lawmaker. But when INEC reviewed qualifications to include the ability to wrestle and slap, I backed out.
Why I banned my kids: The Slap Legacy
Itoro: But, Daddy, why do lawmakers fight?
Me: Well, to ease the boredom of sitting in one place. And to burn the calories resulting from money-obesity. But, you see, none is ever serious about injuring the other. It’s all an act for the camera!
Itoro: But isn’t that bad for the nation’s image?
Me: What—the act or the fight? Anyway, fighting by lawmakers has been raised to national art. My only concern is that they did not remember to pay royalties on the copyright to my sister, Iquo Inyang. Look, fighting, sorry, slapping is an intellectual property, protected by law. And by the way, where was Iquo on Tuesday, when some charlatans tried to rubbish her record? I swear, if she was around, ten sets of teeth probably would be lying in the mortuary by now. At least, if nothing else, slap made Iquo known nationwide!
You see, where Iquo and I come from, certain matters are better settled with blows (slaps). We have a slap for every issue. If a husband fails to impregnate his wife, he gets a slap. If a woman cooks unpalatable soup, a slap settles the matter. And if a child cries in the night, a slap ricochets in the house.
Since Iquo dealt the blow on the unfortunate guy, the men in the House have been careful. I wish she had slapped somebody on Tuesday so that third term would settle itself.
The Great Slap Experiment
Really, I’m planning to lead a delegation of traditional wrestlers to beg Iquo to visit the Senate. We intend to try an experiment on Mantu. Iquo would slap his lips, and the nation would watch—live—the effect on the third term plot. If the lips shrink, then third term would pull through. But if it merely quavers, then Mantu must go into exile!
Some blows (slaps) perform wonders. Others could make the victim eat only ‘mamaput’ meals in bukas—for life! Some victims are caused by certain (blows) slaps to run around town till they die of exhaustion. The one we’re reserving for Mantu might just make him swallow his third term concocted report.
On Tuesday, our Reps fought over third term. Somebody said they are humans, with the constitutional right to throw chairs and exhibit their animal instincts. I agree. But how do we differentiate humans with animal instincts from animals with human features? So, I banned my kids from watching such animalistic exhibitions, henceforth!
- First published in Saturday Sun of May 06, 2006
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