I had a rethink about romance and “kissing” on Monday, after a Naval officer killed an “okadaman.” Imagine! The Okada guy had the effrontery to “kiss” an officer’s car –  in public. So the “man in white” pulled out his rusty pistol and punctured the “bloody” civilian’s heart.

Suddenly, I realised kissing “in public” can be as deadly as dancing with an “Area Boy’s” girlfriend. In public. Gbooa! A 30-year-old man in Abeokuta killed a 28-year-old fellow for doing “romantic dance” with his woman. And blood flowed on the dance floor! Just like it flowed in Ikeja, after the Naval man’s fatal shot.

In fact, there must be something romantically wrong with Okada. Agreed, by African culture, people shy away from public kisses – even from an Okada. The idea of “romantic dance” that could lead to a  public “kiss” doesn’t even appeal to Kano government. So, it banned women from riding on the bikes. I suppose, if Okada riders “tap currents” from female passengers, that could lead to death.

Well, thinking about the whole thing made me wonder why we still have some okada people around. You see, it would serve us better if Lieutenant Felix Odunlami could please “clear” those poor fellows called okadamen. After he escapes judgment like  CSP Abdulsalam Othman, the Garki DPO, implicated in the Apo killings. Ha! Or the government should seize the bikes like FG did Lagos LG funds. Already, Tinubu is considering that option. That would make the roads clearer. Would bring sanity into Obasanjo’s government. And would improve security, abi? By then, all the okadamen would have turned armed robbers – protecting us from military men and their police counterparts. 

Okay, if we kill all the okadamen, panel beaters, spray-painters and bone menders may die of hunger, abi? But who cares? Afterall, more job opportunities would open for undertakers. And, I swear, Samu’ila Danko Makama’s census job would be easier.

I hate Okada riders because they are unruly, reckless, saucy and, in fact, human. So, we must kill all of them. After that, we must kill all the “molue” and “danfo” drivers. And their conductors. Then, “shoot-on-sight” all trailer and tanker drivers. And pedestrians. Private car owners would go last. By then, the undertakers would have their hands full. That is, if they don’t fall into any of the groups. Only those who don’t contribute to traffic congestion on our roads would survive the onslaught. It doesn’t matter if you are a politician, staff of the Works ministry, trek all your life or drive James Bond’s somersaulting cars. 

You see, I am very angry. And it’s not just because somebody gave our motorbikes a generic Japanese name. I am angry because some “fools” have caused some “total idiots” to give our commonest means of transportation a bad name. Soon, they may want to “hang” the Okada.

Okay, I admit, I haven’t told all the truth. You see, I have a sentimental attachment to “okada.” Why? Well, it’s part of my people’s “resource control.” In fact, renaming the commercial motorcycle was another grand design to deprive us of “derivation  fund” from our idea. 

We started this Okada thing. It’s our “intellectual property.” I put it to the Copyright Commission, NAFDAC, EFCC and ICPC that we called it “Alalok” or “Akauke”?! My Lord, I hereby submit that Alalok is an invention, an intellectual property of my people. If I lie, may Baba win a beauty contest, so help me God. You see, My Lord, if you read John Gospel, chapter Luke, verse Mark – subsection one to the last page – of the Nigerian constitution, my people have been cheated. They are not happy that their noble “invention” has been converted into a tool of death and division. The society is now divided between okada people and “the rest.” It’s either the riders make sure everybody dies by Okada, or the okadamen are killed by military and policemen. Yet, My Lord, we, the people of Akwa Ibom state aren’t even allowed to maximise the glory of our “invention.” We are not even allowed to be the ones killing the recalcitrant Okada riders. Back then, some people called us backward – for inventing the “alalok.” Maybe because they only saw our backs as we rode past on the bikes. 

We deserve praises, joor! While the political “scavengers” were busy coining ‘big grammar’ like “kleptocrats” – we “stole” our parent’s motorbikes out. And, I confess, girls got the jolliest rides. Suddenly, in the face of increasing hardship, private bikes became money earners. Soon, it spread across the land. Today, everywhere in the nation, the alalok mentality has caught on. Each state has a name for it.  But, somehow, “Okada” got stuck and nobody – not even Ojo Madueke, the former bicycle minister – remembered to say “thank you” to my people or me. So, I protest. I’ve decided to trek across Nigeria in one day with a placard that reads: “Kill the killers of our transportation system; the imbeciles!” Nothing would stop me, unless Obasanjo resuscitates the rail system and Tinubu gives Lagos the promised Fourth Mainland Bridge. If anybody tries to beg me, I would extend the trekking to India and China – home of the guys who helped to ruin our rail system.

Haba! If the rail service was efficient, okada would not have been relevant. Or so ubiquitous.

Okada remains the only means of transportation, the only mass transit, that does not leave the masses in transit. A CEO in Lagos, caught in a lifetime traffic, hikes a ride on alalok. And, I swear, the problem of okada is not okada. It’s the riders. Pushed by poverty, they have given a good venture a bad name. Always in a hurry – perhaps their destinations comprise only mortuaries and cemeteries. In fact, I heard they even have a special contract with undertakers named Rest-In-Pieces, May-Your-Bones-Scatter and a new one called Bury-Them-All. 

Okada is a very simple lesson in small-scale business and self-reliance. The only thing an okada man needs is, well, the okada. Oh, he also needs himself and, sometimes, somebody willing to die – as a passenger. Pronto! The business is “Now Open.” Okada may be the name of a town in Edo State, but it has come to represent the enduring poverty in Nigeria. Okada has provided more jobs today than the evils Obasanjo calls “kleptocrats” –  a group he said included past leaders. Did that include Abacha, IBB, Shonekan, Abubakar and Obasanjo? So, after defending IBB, Baba now has “evidence”  that Aso Rock occupants stole our money?  

 Anyway, Obasanjo promised to create one million jobs from 1999. But we have eventually found out the only thing he has “created” is a collapsible prop for Stella. His aides, however, argue that Obasanjo has been so “productive” that he’s “created” more than three million unemployment opportunities, so far. 

Anyway, okada seems to have a spirit controlling it. Even some of its passengers lose sense of positive, rational thinking. They tend to feel invincible. As the rider dares the world, the passenger throws invectives at the motorists. The rider pretends he’s not just the king of the road, but also the universe. So, he meanders through crevices and swerves in front of fast-moving cars or trucks. 

The only law guiding the “okada practice” is lawlessness. Just like the one guiding politics. 

True, “Okada” riders are reckless. Even the FRSC says so. But shooting them dead can’t solve the problem. They are not the actual problem, just the symptom. Try killing all those responsible for our bad roads; reviving the key transport services and creating jobs. If there’s anyone left, Lieutenant Odunlami, most politicians and their associates won’t be among. Probably just me and my family – including  my mum, grandma and her goats!

First published in Saturday Sun of  July 30, 2005