My mum’s bra is missing

My mum’s bra is missing. She suspects a high-ranking, male politician of…. Find out the history, theories and absurdities behind the bra!

I got a call that made me angry the other day. It was my mum. And she sounded so bitter. Her bra, the one we jokingingly called “iron lady,” was missing. I nearly popped a vein because I know how she loved that bra. Trust my mum; she quickly suspected the politician living about three houses away. “It must be that man with cheeks like Alami-whatever,” she said. “I heard politicians have finished stealing our money; they now steal bras, too.”

Well, you can’t blame my mum. Here’s a widow who had been “managing” her bra, waiting for when one of her children would become a politician—preferably, a national lawmaker; a governor. Or a Police IG. That’s only when they would have enough money to buy her another bra. Or take her abroad for “breast tuck,” abi?

Well, I don’t know about “stealing” bras, but mummy could be right in her apprehension. The way our politicians are growing fat and developing breasts is fearful. They may soon have to swap positions with their wives. A simple deal: Madam doesn’t need to breastfeed anymore; oga can now take over. But higher demand would only make bras more expensive. And that was my mum’s real fear.

But doesn’t it serve the women right? Sometimes, they behave as if they are the only ones with breasts. The way young girls pack the moulds, you would think men have nothing to show the world. Some mothers even threaten their kids with breast as if there’s no option. Now, there is: breast transplant—done exclusively by the Metropolitan Police.

The politics of my mum’s bra

The other day, somebody said the Bayelsa governor went for tummy tuck in Germany. From there, he went for breast enlargement in London prison. So, when a man allegedly left Blair’s backyard wearing a bra and his wife’s blouse, somebody thought he was Nigeria’s new First Lady.

Silly oyinbo people. I had always thought that we had something they don’t: a bra-wearing culture, for instance. Upon all their acclaimed sophistication, they couldn’t tell a false breast— with a binocular. How come they didn’t notice that under the headgear was an Ijaw “resource control” cap?

You see, I agree with my mum that soon, she might not be able to buy another bra. The way our governors now use the thing as if it’s part of the paraphernalia of office, I even fear for myself. Because, very soon, I might be forced to buy a bra with hard currency. Imagine! If a bra now costs one million pounds, how will I ever be able to get one for my wife, my mum, and even my mother-in-law?

The use of bras by our male politicians should worry many women—and men of conscience. It doesn’t matter if you are a priest who has nothing to do with women’s breasts. You may have to buy a bra for a widow in need. Certainly, when the price of the “iron bra” goes up, women who can’t patronize Modupe Ozolua would suffer. Before you know it, the rate of hypertensive patients might shoot up. I guess only young girls would survive the hardship. Now, any man who as much as greets a young girl “good morning” gets a request in reply: “Send me a recharge card.” Or “flash me a recharge.” But soon, it would get to: “Flash me a bra!”

My mum’s bra and history

A professor of women’s breast told me yesterday that the use of bras in money matters derives from history.

Me: Prof, you mean there were men in history who wore bras?

Prof: “My boy, that’s not the point. Bras used to be a thing for control. Until somebody thought of it as a tool—for evil. When lazy men started stealing from their industrious wives, the women had to think of an unlikely place to hide their money. So, they used the bra.”

Me: What has that to do with governors wearing bras?

Prof: “Oh! What do you think ‘breastplate’ means? In days of old, men used ‘iron bras’ to protect their breasts while fighting wars. I guess they now call it armor. Well, now, bra has not only become a tool for protection, it’s also used for ‘money control.’ That’s why Baba’s financial managers are mainly women. Some politicians use their wives to siphon money—just stuff it in the bra and jump on the plane. In countries where there is social security and less greed for money, women don’t wear bras. Oyinbo women have now removed all their bras and shipped them to Nigeria as tokunbo. I heard one of those was what Alamieyeseigha wore back.”

Bra for money control?! What a theory. Ah! But then, wasn’t money the reason Dariye and Alamieyeseigha allegedly disguised to escape from London?

Absurdity of politics

Look, I’m patriotic enough to admit that we have talents in this country—abundant resources: oil, money, intellectuals, artists, and even criminal politicians. Among the latter group are the “masters of disguise.” It was Governor Joshua Dariye who was first suspected of using a bra to escape London. Now, Diepreye Alamieyeseigha has joined the league. Soon, Tafa may even wear one to escape his ridiculous three months remaining stay in jail.

To hell with morality. The song has changed. Now, our leaders are teaching us new lessons: stealing pays! And God backs criminals! But make sure you steal heavy. Now, it appears the only crime is to steal small. If you steal big, like Tafa’s N17 billion, you get a laughable jail sentence. Or go free like Baba’s cousin, former DG of Defence, Makanjuola—with N450 million. Then, you can bounce back faster. Tafa said so on TV, abi? And Alamieyeseigha said his escape from justice was an act of God.

In a way, he was right. Merchant-pastors keep quoting that “God loves a cheerful giver.” It seems— from Alam’s claim—God also loves rich offenders. After all, if God did not back a certain stealing governor, he should have drowned—if truly he ran away by boat to Paris and all that. Or died in a crash—if indeed he flew out of London wearing my mum’s bra.

Not an act of God

But then, is it really an act of God to wear a false breast? And a bra? Is stealing public funds an act of God? Act of God! Yes, if the breast is real. But God has nothing to do with bra invention. It was man’s contraption—just to put something in bondage.

By running back home, both Dariye and Alamieyeseigha lost the moral right to preside over their states. What justice would they now dispense when they ran away from facing one? If truly they were innocent, then why run? Did I send them to Europe, in the first place? If they had made their own domains habitable for humans; if they were contented with all the wealth amassed here, they would not have gone to Britain to disgrace us. Imagine the insult: our governors running home with tails between legs—allegedly decked in false breasts and bras!

Just imagine! Now, any politician who wants to wear a bra should go for sex transplant. And whoever stole my mum’s bra should return it. Or I’ll fold the tar from all the good roads leading into Government Houses, I swear!

• First published in Saturday Sun of Nov 26, 2005.