*Members of the Cows Association of Nigeria

Nigeria cow debate has bought a heightened legislative hilarity. Imagine cows dressed in green-white-green, Nigeria’s national colors, gathering outside the National Assembly. Each cow flaunts a green passport and holds a petition. These are Nigeria’s privileged cows!

A few meters from the Three Arms Zone, another group of cows blocked a bank entrance. They carried documents and wanted to complete biometrics for BVN and open accounts.

At the National Identity Management Commission (NIMC), thousands of cows gathered, mooing: “We no go gree ooo. We no go gree! Give us NIN (National Identity Number), we no go gree!” It was like Ajero’s ineffectual labour protests!

In a country where cows seem to have more privileges than humans, the recent Senate debate on animal movement added to the absurdity. Yes, cows!

This joke started during the Buhari administration. It was believed cows enjoyed more favour than humans. Now, northern cows have brought their case to the Senate. They claim they own the land and deserve equal rights with Tinubu!

Cows Want Human Rights

The cows, led by the Cows Association of Nigeria (CAN), waited outside for Senate President Godswill Akpabio, in support of Senator Adamu Aliero (Kebbi Central).

When Akpabio arrived, the cows mooed, demanding freedom to roam. They argued that the Nigerian constitution guarantees “every citizen freedom of movement.” They also claimed rights to national identities—passports, NIN, BVN—and other perks like student loans, trekking allowances, and even sleeping allowances!

Lead Cow: “Mr. President of the Senate, I stand before you to argue for the fundamental rights of all cows. The constitution guarantees freedom of movement for all!”

Senate President Godswill Akpabio was initially shocked by talking cows but quickly regained his composure. He responded, “Mr. Cow Leader, are you suggesting that cows are now Nigerian citizens?”

The cow leader, unfazed, waved his national passport. He argued, “Cows contribute significantly to the Nigerian economy! People earn from selling us. Some eat us and grow fat. Our dung fertilizes roads, and some of your kids use the dried dung. We deserve the freedom to graze and roam as we like.”

Senate President Akpabio replied, “By that logic, should we also grant freedom to chickens, goats, pigs, and other farm animals?”

Consequences of the Nigeria Cow Debate

A few days later, CAN sent a delegation to demonstrate their resolve. Outside Akpabio’s residence in Shelter Afrique, Uyo, Akwa Ibom State, the cows laid siege for days.

Despite the anti-open grazing law, Shelter Afrique Estate and the city of Uyo were littered with cow dung.

Nigeria seems to have reached a point where absurdity has become reality. In a nation grappling with serious issues, some legislators are debating cows instead of addressing critical problems.

The northern senators’ plea for constitutional rights for cows is both amusing and concerning. The Nigeria cow debate is quite amusing. But the Nigerian Senate’s focus on such trivial matters rather than real issues is frustrating.

Perhaps cows need their own political representation. It seems the northern lawmakers aren’t doing enough for their bovine constituents. We might need a Cow Party of Nigeria (CPN) to advocate for more grazing land, better grass quality, and equal rights in the military, workforce, and office spaces with grazing breaks!

Senate President Akpabio pointed out the obvious: cows are not Nigerian citizens! They are animals, like chickens, goats, and pigs. They don’t have constitutional rights, and their movement must be managed to prevent conflicts.

Farmer-herder clashes have been a significant source of tension and violence in Nigeria. Allowing cows to roam freely based on a misinterpreted constitutional argument could worsen these issues.

Senator Aliero’s argument reached a level of absurdity that is both impressive and alarming. The constitution protects the rights of Nigerian citizens—humans. Using it to justify uncontrolled cow movement is a disservice to real issues.

For now, the Nigerian Senate has given us a reason to laugh, though at the expense of common sense. Next time, they should focus on solving real problems rather than engaging in a comedy show.

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