There are certain things I can’t do. Like spelling my name. Counting my achievements. Or pushing my rickety car into the river. Where the hell would I find money to buy another? So, if you like, say I can’t perform in those areas.

Yet, I do some things very well. Like robbing engine oil on my scaly, harmattan legs. Being as stubborn as Obasanjo. And looking as harassed as bankers trying to raise N25 billion capital base.

Well, performance isn’t a new word since Obasanjo became our (mis)fortune. In  a God-forsaken economy, where everything, including “pure water” has been deregulated, “performance” has been the issue back-to-back. January to January. Even my wife has alluded  to the idea that I can’t perform.

Wife: Honey, why can’t you “perform” a simple domestic chore? Like removing the white hair from your moustache and smiling at our daughter?

Me: Because I am the president/ governor of our house. When you are in my position, “performance” is in the mind. And it’s as simple as aiding criminals to destroy the innocent. Like Obasanjo did – sending Uba and Ngige out of his office to go and “finish” Anambra, even when they “confessed” to him that they “stole” a mandate. Go read Baba’s treatise to Ogbeh; the chapter called: “Obasanjo and His Two Thieves.” Anyway, as for smiling, I always do in the toilet.  I smile at the foolish face in my mirror. And, never mind my white hair, dear, they must be from Owu. So stubborn!

Performance, like Obasanjo’s democracy, is only experienced in the power circuit. The chop-chop group. The masses only read of it in the papers. Or watch on Obasanjo’s NTA. Still, it would be unfair to say Baba and his 36 governors have not performed. Who have been impregnating their wives, if they have not been performing?

Me? I swear, my “performance” goes beyond the bedroom. I can brush my teeth on my own. Labour to read the scroll on the TV screen and watch NTA news. If those are not “performance,” then Achike Udenwa’s achievement does not include a fast-food joint.

I really do not expect any man to admit that he can’t “perform.” It doesn’t matter if your son turns out to resemble your landlord. Performance is performance. And even non-performance is a form of performance, abi? So, Obasanjo has “performed.” Deregulation is performance, joor! 

Performance – “to fulfill a promise or obligation”  – isn’t an easy thing. “To carry out an action or accomplish a task” takes a lot of goodwill, determination and guts. But it takes more of those for anybody to point out that you are not performing. So, when Audu Ogbeh, the PDP chairman accuses Obasanjo of non-performance, I offer him my grandmother as Christmas gift. 

Everybody claims to be performing. Including my grandmother, even when she can’t walk past her bedroom door. Obasanjo, Atiku  and even Tafa Balogun also claim they perform a lot. And  I agree with them. But it depends on what they perform, state or bedroom functions? What’s the result? Masses-oriented democracy dividends or big-headed kids that would “inherit”  the rigging, sorry, ruling dynasty to our detriment? 

The National Economic Intelligence Commission (NEIC) has graded some governors “poor.” But I disagree. How come Ngige had “good” when he’s spent the time sniffing the toilet? When did he have time to execute anything, apart from an endless bickering with Uba and “inspecting”   bomb ravaged structures in the state. I think Abacha should rise for the best leadership award.

 “Poor” is more than “fair” and “good” combined in this dispensation. That word, “poor,” should be elevated, on merit, for proving itself the highest rating formula in Nigeria. And somebody should be given an award with it. I have a few names in mind – including Tafa Balogun’s – for protecting the patrons of Okija. Even after he lied to us that he would make the names public.

Performance? Every bank in the land wants me to buy shares. At road junctions, palm-wine joints, offices and even my front door, smiley, sexy ladies try to sell me “something.” The bank shares or themselves? Well, maybe it’s okay to do the “public offer” thing at the road junction, but when they walk into my bedroom, that must be a “private offer.” The banks, and lately, many other companies, claim they have been “performing” more than my grandfather who had three wives. Yet, regulatory bodies like CBN say somebody’s exaggerating his “performance” ratings. I swear, the last time I checked, it wasn’t me. Because, I do not have shares to sell, the only things I have are liabilities. And it appears nobody is interested in helping me out with them. But, by God’s grace, I’m “performing” my best.

FROM MY MAILBOX

You deserve  a billion naira slap

Hi Usoro, what do you need a million naira slap for? You deserve a billion naira because your column is “da bomb.” If I were that lady that man slapped, I would’ve picked my shoes and hit him on the teeth. At least, I would have done what he doesn’t want the dentist to do to his front teeth. As for that “sand paper” lady slapping a guy, I would ask for her left boob to be cut off. I think they are sick in Abuja.

“maryanne nelly ihejirika” <nellygirl2004@hotmail.com>  

My number one columnist

I always appreciate your column; it makes reading interesting. You are my number one columnist.

“okpako Oghenebruorie” <billionbrother4nobles@yahoo.com>  

Commendation

I just want to commend your effort on the beautiful column you have been writing. Keep it up. I am  happy to have somebody like you.

“obongono etangeno” <godcares4mi2004@yahoo.com>  

Real monkey business

I am a regular reader of your column and I  love the way you write . On AIT this morning I saw yet another  ” beauty queen”, Miss Olokun 2004 with Ganiyu Adam, the organiser of the beauty show. Beauty shows are now  an all-comers affair that even a refurbished carpenter  can venture into it.

What a real monkey business!

 Celestine, Port-Harcourt

“estine manz” <celon147@yahoo.com>  

I feel blissful

  I admire the way you write and whenever I read you write up, I feel blissful. Keep it up.

   “Ifeanyi Nwokeocha” <ifeanyimartins2004@yahoo.com>  

(Umunoha,Mbaitoli,Imo state)

Feeling you

My dear Usoro, I save money daily to buy Saturday Sun and read it all day, particularly, because of your writings. I can’t comment on your whole writings now because they are too good. Just keep the good writings coming out and bear in mind that there are many people out there feeling you but can’t let you know. Our prayers are with you all the time.

Ifeanyi Ogu, Festac, Lagos.

“Who do u believe in ?.” <dlordoflords@yahoo.com>  

NAFDAC deficiency

Hello Usoro, I appreciate your write-ups and it has really dragged

most people to frequent reading of the Sun newspaper. Everybody, from the Presidency to the common man, has Vitamin A

deficiency; it’s not NAFDAC alone. Thanks, more grease to your elbow.

“thomas monday” <tomnidel@yahoo.com>  P.H.

 I look forward to Saturdays

Your style of presentation has made me to always look forward to Saturdays, when I can go through Saturday Sun.

“abegunde oluwole” <oluwhite@yahoo.com>  

You are the best

You are really the best of the best in tabloid. I just do not know which of your articles to comment on, they all wonderful. Keep on telling them their worth and let’s see if they can change a little.

“ananti uju” <kenujay@yahoo.com>  

·      First published in Saturday Sun of  Dec 18, 2004