A Nigerian boy wanted money badly. He prayed for weeks but nothing happened. Then, he addressed a letter to God, requesting $100. A postal officer, touched and amused, sent the little boy a N50 bill. In delight, the boy wrote back a thank- you- note: “Dear God, thank you for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason, you sent it through Abuja and as usual, those politicians deducted from it.”

The boy’s mother had no job. The father was owed five months’ salary by a private firm he worked for. The boy knew hardship from the cradle.His note was, at once, an indictment on our government, its abracabra democracy (ala Abdulsalami Abubakar) and our clan of chop-choppoliticians.

First, the letter asked for dollars and not naira. It was a vote of no confidence on our national currency. The boy had heard complains of “falling naira,” and praises of the ever soaring dollar. So, he thought the dollar was God’s money. Since God lives “upstairs.”

In the family’s indigent condition, he sensed that Nigeria’s General Olusegun Obasanjo would not help. He had heard his father curse Obasanjo many times, for worsening the economy in the last four years. Life has come to a cul de sac. Even the noise about poverty alleviation has died. And some swear even Lucifer would not have increased the fuel pump price to N40. Hence, the boy took his case to God.

The boy’s case speaks volume of what the generation next would make of our grab-grab leaders. In the next four years, what would Obasanjo say boy X has benefitted from his government? Simply put: When is the much-vaunted democracy dividend?

 The forced effects of the I-don’t-care attitude of our leaders include the band of beggars turned out every day on our streets. Though we clear them, whenever we expect a world leader, the reality is that they are there. Which is why it was annoying when Senator Julius Ucha opened old wounds, last week. He announced that they would soon rid the streets of the destitute. Whatever magic Ucha and his Senate Committee on Sports and Social Development think they have, they should stop insulting us. Rather, they should swing the wand and conjure the rabbit from their hats first, before gunning for the publicity. Politicians have promised before to build bridges where there was even no water. Usually, they do nothing even when the flood sweeps away the entire city. Afterall, they all live in the most solid structures.

In referring to the politicians’ penchant for deduction, the smart kid, unwittingly touched a germane point. The reason we remain at ‘ground zero’ has sometimes been linked to questionable ‘deductions.’ It was deduction – in the sense of who gets what – that brought the resource control wahala. The result was a crippled Niger Delta region. Today, the citizens are still paying the remote price of that poli-trick. Because, as Aminu Masari, the House speaker has suddenly found out, the resources “are still being badly managed”. As if he’s not one of the bad managers.

Deduction, rather than remain an economic term, has become a political tool. Politicians use it a lot whenever they gather in Abuja to share the national loot. Deduct 12.5 per cent. No, it should be 25 per cent. And as the argument goes on, the masses suffer in gasping silence.  Nobody cares to deduct our pains, hunger, deprivation, joblessness, etc. Nobody ‘deducts’ the bad roads, social insecurity and epileptic power supply. Things people take for granted in other countries, like Governor Chimaroke Nnamani of Enugu State would say. Imagine! Last week, New York declared a state of emergency, simply because there was power failure for a few hours. They should come and ask us. I’m sure ordinary Nigerians would be alarmed if light is steady for 24 hours. The legend, Fela Anikulapo, was light years ahead, when he sang about our social deprivations:  water, food, light, and house, and road too.

Abia lawmakers introduced a curious drama into the deprivation and ‘deduction’ thing, last week. They swore to go on hunger strike, unless something was done about the Eastern roads. Good move. At least it would attract attention. But were some of them not “there” all along? Some could be linked to the aborted rehabilitation contracts of the past. Now, if Adeseye Ogunlewe, the Works minister, fulfills his promise and awards contract on any of the said roads, the same lawmakers would scuffle. They would ask for some per centage deductions. Some would fight to corner the job.

 Edo State’s Lucky Igbinedion and his Abia brother, Orji Kalu, have raised an alarm over another deduction. While Edo’s N200 million was deducted from the federal account – purportedly for repayment of foreign loan, Abia’s 500million was removed from source as payment for the debt owed by the former Imo state. 

Question: after the deduction, where does the money go? What is it used for? With “matters collapsing” everywhere, the citizens are aware of the eventual effect of such deduction – the ‘crippling’ of the “kitchen economy.” With less food to eat, poor transport system, bad roads, etc., the masses rather expect the “addition” of good things of life. 

For now, what is Obasanjo’s democracy dividend? A new one has come to town. An over-generous second-term gift. Although millions of qualified Nigerians are milling the streets jobless, Obasanjo’s dividend is to send more into the labour market. The story from the establishment is that the civil service is suddenly overbloated. How? When? About five years since Obasanjo promised to create one million jobs, has he engaged up 300,000 citizens?

Last week, working on the presidential order, a number of ministers suddenly realised ministries were overbloated. Selah Shehu, the junior minister for Works and Housing, claimed they had 28,000 workers. And 20,000 must go. That’s a deduction too many. Yet, his Health counterpart, Lambo, is also about to sack. That, to me, as I wrote somewhere else, is Obasanjo’s way of punishing Nigerians for refusing to vote him; thereby leaving the entire work of figure manipulation to INEC and PDP.

Auwal, Marry my Mum

I heard the Bauchi House of Assembly is searching for a wife for its speaker. What a coincidence! For a while now, I’ve been looking for a husband for my mum. Hey! Put out the searchlight.

Mohammed Auwal, 35, has not been married before. Perhaps, he never made enough money in his pharmaceutical business to seek a bride. Now, he can afford to marry 10. And the in-laws are sure of bags of kudi. Already, Auwal is in trouble. His house has become a Mecca for over a thousand fathers parading their “virgin” daughters for the first choice.

 A lawmaker said, “in this part of the country, it is a taboo to have an unmarried person in such a sensitive position”. But didn’t they know Auwal was not married when they elected him? In any case, who said marriage is still a sign of responsibility? The way they are going confirms they themselves see it as a status symbol. How many of our married politicians are responsible in the socio-moral sense of it? 

Anyway, if Auwal considers my mum, I’ll make no charges. Forget the bride price… just give me like 50 contracts. Chikena!

• First published in Saturday Sun of  June 28, 2003