Our New Year revolution

 New year is often a time to reflect and hope. We reflect on our disappointments and make fresh plans  for next year. But do they ever come to be?

It’s not fair. I just woke up the other day to find that 2006 had “passed away,” just like that—while I slept. I went to bed early on December 31, 2006, thinking something magical would transform me as the year changed into 2007. However, I still woke up in my old clothes of debt, poverty, and fuel crisis.

As I stepped into the sitting room, some mischievous fellows had changed my calendar. Then, madam announced that 2006 was dead. Ha! The thought that came to mind was that robbers must’ve shot him dead like Thisday newspaper’s Godwin Agbroko. And the prime suspect, I concluded, must be—wait for it—me!

You see, something always told me there was something wrong with 2006. Long before the Pentecostal pastors found out that Satan was in charge of Nigeria in 2006, my neighbor’s cat saw it in a dream. In fact, it woke up one day to tell me with its original “cat eyes” that General Yakubu Gowon was its witness. And yes, Gowon confirmed: “There is a demon traveling within the Presidency that is responsible for what we are witnessing today,” he said.

Still, it took Pastor Ayo Oritsejafor, the president of PFN, almost an eternity to confirm Gowon’s claim that Mr. Devil, aka Satan, was the pilot of all the planes that crashed last year. If I were one of the dead pilots who flew the crashed planes, I would’ve sued somebody for damages. Because those guys got a bad name when all the while it was Mr. Satan who hijacked the planes.

The role of Mr. Devil

I heard it was also the same Mr. Devil who killed all the politicians like Daramola in Ekiti and Funso Williams in Lagos. Mr. Devil also led all the robbery operations, though he got some of the guns from the police. I guess based on that link, Ehindero developed some sympathy for Mr. Devil. This explains why he has refused to arrest the guy—even when he invaded the Presidency, spreading rumors of looting of public treasury.

Somebody in INEC also told me that Mr. Satan was the one who frustrated their efforts last year to “register all Nigerians that have attained voting age.” In fact, I was told Mr. Devil himself ordered the magical Direct Data Capture machines. Then, he turned around to ‘winch’ some batteries from functioning—even during a demonstration on the floor of the National Assembly.

Now, out of the newly estimated 140 million Nigerians—excluding me—Iwu has not registered up to 40 million. Yet, nobody has thought it necessary to arrest Mr. Devil.

After a serious meeting with Baba, Oyinlola, Tinubu, and my neighbor’s cat—the one with cat eyes—I’ve taken it upon myself to make this New Year a “revolution.” Some of you call it a resolution or a communiqué. But nothing is ever ‘resolved’ with a ‘resolution.’ Neither is a ‘communiqué’ ever ‘communicated’ to all the stakeholders—like robbers, assassins, and their dead victims. Hence, I’ve decided to call it a “New Year Revolution.” Because this year, we must take all our children to an amusement park—to enjoy the Merry-go-round. After all, I’m told ‘revolution’ means “one complete circular movement made by something round.”

New year is time we hope for change

Okay, here’s how it goes. Rather than succumbing to the deceit of the past, we, the masses, must be ready. For years on end, our political leaders have told us to pray for purely political and organizational problems. But why disturb God with minor matters that even soldier ants can handle? For instance, how do the ants choose their leader? Do they have Maurice Iwu and INEC? Is there a baritone Sunday Ehindero who enjoys an extended tenure but has nothing meaningful to contribute to our security? Do they have Obasanjo and Atiku, who enjoy and fight over PTDF—a public fund—on the masses’ collective behalf? How do soldier ants organize themselves without subjecting their masses to 365 days of ‘prayer and starving’?

Ah! The moment I heard that 2007 is here, “afraid catch me.” I guess Baba, in his usual wisdom, saw my fear in his dream. So, he came with a deceptive solution—an appeal for prayer! But then, if he asked the religious leaders to pray, I wouldn’t worry. It’s their job, right? I guess Governor Boni Haruna of Adamawa State was smarter there when he asked religious leaders to do their job.

If Obasanjo, Governors Olagunsoye Oyinlola of Osun State, and Bola Tinubu of Lagos took it upon themselves to turn the Pope and pray for the nation, I wouldn’t care. But they asked me to do the praying ‘for peace, stability, and the 2007 election.’ Tinubu says we should “pray that politicians will not use the powers entrusted in them by God to bring hardships on the people.” Haba! How unfair!

Accountability in politics, will it happen in the new year?

So, the politicians actually know that power was ‘entrusted in them’? Which means it’s not theirs, right? Okay, since they are very conscious that (1) they are politicians; (2) that power was entrusted in them, do they need prayer to avert using that same power to cause hardship? If that happens, it would be better if they slip into ‘unconsciousness.’ Put your hands up if you said ‘amen!’

Well, Tinubu must have forgotten that some of them, the politicians, actually ‘stole’ the power they use. They were neither ‘entrusted’ by God nor by the people. He also excluded ‘the people’ in the matter of power entrustment. If he doesn’t see me later to correct that error—it doesn’t matter if it was an ‘oversight’ or ‘undersight’—he should forget his Senate ambition. And we, the masses, hereby solemnly ‘revolt’ against any attempt by any politician to use our power, deliberately, to cause hardship—or even ‘hardboat’ and canoe!

A ‘significant year’

For politicians, 2007 is a ‘significant year’ in the ‘evolution’ of Nigeria. Oyinbo! So, what are they doing about it, beyond passing the hard job to the masses? Year in, year out, we’ve prayed for security, a better standard of living, lower fuel prices, good roads, and steady electricity supply, etc. Yet, we never get them. Why? God isn’t the one running our political system. If all we needed was to ‘pray’ for good roads to emerge like a rabbit from a magician’s cap, then we didn’t need to vote anybody into office. If all we needed was to ‘pray’ our names into a voters’ register, we didn’t need a scientist as INEC boss.

Oh, get it right. Prayer is good—especially if you want to get rid of bad dreams like PDP and its leaders. Prayer is good if your nightmare includes those you’ve elected pilfering the public purse. And if they’ve turned the nation’s constitution into a foot mat. So, in our New Year ‘revolution,’ we must ensure such nightmares are erased.