My wife and I get into a fight often when she misplaces her wedding ring. But I go mad when she forgets my baby somewhere and expects me to find her. “Skott dear, have you seen the baby? I hope I didn’t leave her in the bathtub with the tap running?” But I hardly can remember we have a baby until she shows me a picture with a “missing person” label. A nine-month-old girl who even forgets to say, “good morning daddy.” She only smiles every time she sees me, making my wife furiously jealous. And I can’t remember what for.

I am hardly sure of anything these days. I greet people “Good morning” and they tell me it’s already afternoon. I say some things and people say I lied. But I suspect the only time I ever lied was when I promised my wife I would “shift” power to her after our marriage. She reminded me the other day and I told her I couldn’t remember. Ok, I also lied when I filled an employment form. Under “Nationality,” I wrote: “Nigerian.” Now, I’m no longer sure. The only thing I know now is that I’m from my village. But the village may have been ceded to Cameroun or India.

Anyway, I forget a lot. I collect money from madam for instance, but can’t remember to pay back. How can I pay when I can’t remember collecting the money? Well, I have problem recalling a lot of things. Like why I work, why I am writing this and whether we have a government. Sometimes, I forget the road to my house; I forget my birthday. But my wife never forgives me when I forget hers. Yet, I even forget my name. On my traditional marriage day, I forgot the way to my in-laws.’ We spent hours on the road and on our way back home, I missed road again and only found myself in my village by chance. In fact, the only time I remember that I’m married is when my wife says, “I don’t even know why I married you.” Sorry, I can’t even remember what I wrote above.

These days, people introduce themselves to me but I forget it the next second. So, I call them, “chief,” “my man” and “fine girl” even when she looks like my neighbour’s dog. It saves me some embarrassment, but they never like it, not even my brother. 

Now, major problem is, I can’t be a politician. I would need a good memory to remember all my lies in order to produce cover-ups, abi? But I can’t even remember what to contest for. Well, I envy these guys with good memory. The other day, somebody wrote that Akwa Ibom State has a governor who has “changed the face of the state for good.” But how “bad” was it before he came? My sister reminded me that there was road to our village before 1999. I don’t know whether to believe her, for there’s no trace of it anymore. 

The curious thing about this memory problem is that I’m not the only one affected. For instance, General Olusegun Obasanjo can’t remember the PDP zoning the presidency to the North in 2007. His is even better – he remembers the Southwest was excluded. Well, Attah, Orji Kalu and Jerry Gana want us to believe they have good memory of what happened at the caucus meeting about five years ago. Now, let me test them. Was it tea that was served or beer? Anyway, they had the guts to be talking “gentleman’s agreement.” But how do they expect Baba to remember? Who was the “gentleman” at the meeting? A politician keeping an “unwritten agreement” is like expecting the Federal Government to check rising fuel prices and other cost of living. When they can’t keep the tenets of our written constitution? I can’t remember hearing of a “gentleman” in politics lately. 

Now, my bad memory only leaves me with a series of questions:

-Who’s really in charge of PDP – Anenih or Ogbe? Who makes policy statements and who advises? What makes Gana so sure Obasanjo has no pact with IBB?

-Why is Senator Adeseye Ogunlewe so angry about signposts on Lagos roads? Can’t he read? He says he’s in a “power game” with Governor Tinubu, but who told him that “wresting power” the way he’s doing can be called a “game”?

-Anenih said Obasanjo would decide his successor, what then is the role of the electorate?

-Atiku went to London to plead for debt forgiveness, but wasn’t that the same excuse they gave us for Obasanjo’s incessant trips abroad? Now, if “oyinbo” didn’t forgive our “sins” in four years of Baba’s flying, why should I believe they would because Atiku  is the one begging?

-Can somebody really defy PDP and survive? What happened to the party’s ban on Ngige’s Democracy Day?

-Why do lawmakers always “vow,” ministers  “pledge” and governments “plan” till they leave office what should affect the common man but never get round to “doing” them? 

– How come Kanu Nwankwo plaited hair to his wedding and the priest saw nothing wrong in it? Is there status discrimination in the church too, or did it have to do with the millennium bug?

-Now that  El-Rufai has revoked all the Cs of O in Abuja, doesn’t that make Aso Rock an illegal structure? Well, aren’t they all “settlers” in Abuja now?

Memory problem has been a serious handicap to many in the society. Students are the worse for it. If only we can work on it like the politicians do, we could remember those little things that matter. In fact, we might even make our lies more believable. Watch our politicians. Impressively, our governors quote names of roads they have constructed and water projects done. But when you get there, it’s difficult to tell if the spot was included in the “done” list.

Good memory helps. For instance, a convicted felon would certainly remember what prison was like and avoid crime. And when people hurt us, we would perhaps forgive, but never forget.

As for me, I did an Internet test for IQ (Intelligence Quotient), the other day. When I finished, I discovered the only thing remaining was the “Q”. I can’t remember when I lost all the “I”. Just like Professor Jerry Gana can’t remember when we had good leadership. 

But believe me, I was once very intelligent. And I had one of the best memories in town. Problem is, I

can’t remember when.

FROM MY MAILBOX

Government of ASAP

This present regime of Gen.Olusegun Obasanjo is a regime of ”ASAP”(as soon as possible). Anytime you ask a Nigerian politician (from the grassroots to the presidency) anything that has to do with ”developmental structures, the reply is always ”asap”.

  When will the Nigerian roads be repaired – as soon as possible.   When will ”housing, health, education and social amenities” be provided for all – as soon as possible.   When will the lives and properties of all Nigerians be security guaranteed–as soon as possible.   When will corruption be wiped out from the system – as soon as possible. When will the ‘Federal Government’ listen to the cry of ASUU – as soon as possible. When will this ”Demon-crazy” be truthful with her various policies – as soon as possible.

   Above all, (a)  When will a ”sovereign national conference” be conveyed? I hope it is still the normal answer _ ”asap” 

Hilary Osolase <lordhilzo@yahoo.co.uk>     

One of the best

You are one of the best. Keep it up. All your write ups are well articulated. You are in the class of Dele Shobowale of Sunday Vanguard and Femi Adesina of The Sun.

 “willie tchibu” <hulatch@yahoo.com>  

Ajawara williams

Enugu.

They milk us dry

I was deeply touched by the article, “ I refuse to be named Patience” and how you handled the issue. I also refuse to be called Patience especially when our politicians think they are there to enjoy while inflicting sorrow on the poor masses. While the GSM companies milk us dry and leave us empty handed, our leaders go to sleep. 

“pius oburo” <p_oburo@yahoo.com>  

I admire your style

 I`m an ardent reader of your column, ” The Reality” in The SUN newspaper every Saturday. I admire your style of writing (I’m sure you must have heard that a million times). Keep it up. 

“isang ekarika” <isangekarika@yahoo.com>  

I’ll join you

Honestly, Usoro, I share your view on the head count. How can they use N40 billion to count our heads? I will join you in locking my head in the drawer, lest somebody makes the mistake of using it for isiewu. Tufiakwa!     

“kelechi ogundu” <kogundu@usa.com>  

• First published in Saturday Sun of  Jan 24, 2004