An economist in Akwa Akwa Ibom specializes in managing the soup pot. You would be shocked what he knows and does. And how he applies his theories in government.
Since I lost my Economics textbook back in secondary school, I’ve struggled to spell “economics” correctly. That particular book, authored by Ayo Teriba, slipped through my fingers along with all those fancy jargons.
In the night school, my big head couldn’t retain a thing. I often confuse “micro” from Biology with its Economic counterpart. As for terms like macro, budget, or expenditure? They might as well be foreign languages, especially when I’m busy figuring out how to keep my mother’s soup pot filled.
An Economist in Akwa Ibom Speaks
Last week, I attended the maiden Economic Summit in my state. The highlight? CBN’s Charles Soludo delivered a speech in a deeper baritone than Barry White. However, the moment he mentioned that the greatest investment is in human capital, trouble brewed. On the dais, Ebebe Ukpong, the Commissioner for Economic Development, nearly choked. His expression dropped as if he’d just swallowed a live fish. After a sip of water, he turned to the next guy.
Commissioner: How much is that?
Next man: What?
Commissioner: Human capital. Is it up to N10?
Those familiar with Ukpong know he’s not a fan of spending. It doesn’t matter if it’s to improve his grandmother’s appetite or her bone health. Rumor has it he doesn’t discuss “expenditure,” only “income.” Therefore, his vision of Economic Development apparently excludes human capacity and enlightenment.
Ukpong: What’s enlightenment? If you need that, go to NEPA. Here, we use candles until the Ibom Power Plant is ready.
Reporter: Sir, NEPA no longer exists! Moreover, the IPP won’t be operational until the end of the year, according to the governor. Enlightenment is about information, education, and…
Ukpong: If you want education, go to that nearby school.
Ukpong took charge of everything regarding the Economic and Investment Summit—and he excelled, particularly in ensuring that the publicity was a complete disaster. A summit of that caliber only appeared in the event program. To guarantee that nobody outside the venue heard about it, he appointed the Agric Commissioner as the Publicity Committee chair. Interestingly, I heard a bewildered Trenchard Ibia protested this choice, but Ukpong stood firm. Honestly, counting cassava stems in the plantation might have been a better fit for him.
A comedy of publicity
It’s a miracle Parchi Umoh, the (mis?)Information Commissioner, was even part of the Publicity Committee. In fact, he was more like an afterthought—wandering around the venue like a lost puppy! The only thing he recognized was Gov Attah’s face in the program. Served him right! After all, he’s a former editor who can’t relate with journalists, never picks up the phone, and is scared of the governor as if contagious.
Anyway, the event went on without Umoh and his team. There were ten sub-committees, including ones for sweeping, spoon-gathering, overeating, and “big grammar.” One committee handled “accommodation/transportation,” but many invitees found themselves unaccommodated. Even worse, Ukpong didn’t give a hoot. When complaints rolled in, he declared he had “closed the budget”—before the event even kicked off!
However, I can’t blame him entirely. It’s in the nature of folks who undervalue the media and the power of information. This ignorance fuels their arrogance! Look, I can’t stand people who belittle others. If you look down on me, let it be because you’re taller than Emmanuel Okala, not because you think I’m worthless. You never know—I might not be good enough for your financial favors, but I could still fertilize some crops when I’m gone!
You see, Ukpong is a top-notch economist in Akwa Ibom — a one-track-minded breed. Years ago, his type sent young women fleeing from marriage. For instance, my aunty married one and swore never again. This economist-husband measured yam tubers every morning before leaving for work. He kept track of oil quantities and counted every piece of meat in the soup pot. Ironically, his name was Ukpong!
Wife: Darling, we need to buy food, especially meat. The doctor says I need more protein.
Ukpong: I’ve closed the budget. Therefore, tell the doctor we’re running a tight ship here. If his protein is subject to market forces, we must cut down on our expenditure profile.
Wife: But does the doctor control protein? You closed the budget; you didn’t lock it! Can’t you open it again?
Ukpong: Woman, don’t test my patience! Have you accounted for the piece of meat missing from last night’s soup? I might just invite the EFCC to probe your meat dealings!
Soon enough, young girls in the area became wary of economist suitors.
Father: My daughter, there’s a young man who asked for your hand in marriage.
Daughter: Dad, can he take care of me? Is he open-minded?
Father: He seemed fine—a gentleman in a weathered jacket, rolling up in a 1920 Volkswagen Beetle.
Daughter: What does he do?
Father: He said he’s an economist.
Daughter: Dad, I won’t starve to death. I’m not ready to account for every piece of meat in my soup pot!
What the economist in Akwa Ibom misses
On paper, Ukpong boasts a truckload of achievements as the Economic Development Commissioner. However, outside the Ibom Hall, the real economy is in shambles. In Akwa Ibom, ‘pure water’ sells for N10, while everywhere else it’s N5. Petrol goes for N75—N10 above the official rate. Biscuits that cost N5 elsewhere sell for N10 each or N20 for three in Akwa Ibom. Life is tough; sometimes my mum even fears to urinate, worried it might trigger her thirst!
So what utopian economy is Ukpong crafting? And when will it reach the dining tables of those who actually have tables?
Attah painted a rosy picture of his administration’s ‘investments’ to uplift the people. But let’s be real; some dividends might materialize long after he’s gone. The real issue? With implementers like Ukpong, the future looks grim. Notably, Ukpong remains oblivious to the challenges Akwa Ibomites face. Yet, Nsikak Ekure, one of the key speakers and another economist, diagnosed the real issues: educational backwardness, restricted mindsets, and limited exposure. He noted that without addressing these people issues, any subsequent discussions on leveraging finance will be a farce. “If we don’t get the people issue right… whatever we discuss will be a joke,” he said.
So, if you disagree, come forth and state your case publicly—stop hiding like Parchi Umoh or looking down on folks like Ukpong!
- First published in Saturday Sun, March 11, 2006.
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