Today, I have a confession to make. I may not be as handsome as General Olusegun Obasanjo, but I think we have a few things in common. We both love thanksgiving and, wait for it, we’re damn too compassionate! 

I love thanksgiving, that’s the only reason I could thank a waiter twice for spilling my beer. Then, I insisted I won’t pay for it. And if you tell me I have a big head, I might just say: “Thank God I don’t have tiny legs – like you.” When a bus driver brushes my car and makes a run for it, I give thanks: “Thank your stars you didn’t stop, craze man”. Well, my thanksgiving may not be in Aso Chapel or in an Owu, Abeokuta, church like Baba often does, but hey, it’s all giving thanks.

P-r-a-i-s-e the Lord! Brothers and sisters, please join me today in giving thanks to an institution that has given us all – the military.  No matter what critics say, this body has made Nigeria what it is today. The military did not only “dash” us civil rule, it has even promised us democracy. We are told if we keep transiting, one day, we may just luckily burst at a junction called democracy. 

Apart from other generous donations, the military sure gave us the reigning champions. It made almost all the rich men and women in our midst today. Be them bloody civilians or fatigue-weary soldiers – the ones who cover their berets with traditional caps. Pretending they are now civilians. The ones who have all the money to buy Nigeria. Which explains why only military men and their associates in civilian dresses have enough money to aspire to the highest political offices in the land. Check it out – at any time, those “fighting” for the presidency are either retired military men or those made by the military. Military regurgitation. And now, more of them are “invading” the State Houses, the National Assembly and all.

Really, the military men getting money isn’t tough. All they need is the threat of a gun over somebody’s head. And the common coffers blow open. Before we blink, private pockets are filled. And they retire. Or step aside. With the stolen money, some of them buy agbadas with the biggest pockets – in readiness for more “pocketing.”  Now in politics, they show no sign of withdrawal – not even in their banks.

Now, the military has turned elections into selections. And we have to be thankful for that. It gave us a constitution that has caused more confusion than voodoo magic. And we also have what Governor Chimaroke Nnamani of Enugu calls “arbitrary culture.” But thank God, the military has also given us “compassion.” It’s not easy for any country to have a “compassionate” president. And when you are blessed like we are here, everything moves as smooth as a ride through Lagos roads. 

One “total idiot,” who thought he went to school long enough to write a dictionary, said “compassion” means “showing feelings of sympathy for the suffering of others, often with a desire to help.” But with a president “donated” to us by the military, we now know better. Compassion has nothing to do with reducing sufferings. It’s about increasing hardship; upping fuel prices and bluffing Labour strike. Flogging the citizens and daring them to cry out.  Talking compassion with a military man is like looking for a “gentleman” among their lot. M-e-h-n, the only time military men pretend to be “gentle” is when the sign on the restroom says “gentlemen.”  But because they merely pretend, they never get rest in the restroom. Then, they come out to give all of us hell.

If you are ever in need of compassion, try our president-general. But if eventually you doubt his capacity for it, try me. When my mechanic tells me I need to change the spark plugs so my jalopy can move some, I spit on his face. I call him an “idiot.” If he dares suggest I change oil, he’s a “total idiot.” Does he imagine I’m a military throw-up – with a lot of money to spread?

Anyway, it’s only the military that can give us a President that knows all. If he doesn’t take any advice, it’s not because Baba has no ears. It’s simply because he needs none. When a man is overflowing with compassion, he needs no advice. And he doesn’t have to do anything to change the status of the lowly. His emotional state of compassion is enough. The masses can then put containers near their TV sets and collect the refined proceeds of Obasanjo’s compassion.

Let’s thank the military, jare! For giving us rulers instead of leaders. Leaders show the way, according to NBA president, Wole Olanipekun (SAN). But a ruler oppresses. No, he has “compassion” that only he knows of! And such a militarised-leader never apologises for any wrong-doing. Some of our enemies are still wondering why IBB has not apologised over the annulled June 12, 1993 presidential election – 10 years later. Another set question why Obasanjo refused to apologise over Odi and Zaki Biam massacres. But, I submit that they can’t apologise, not because they are generals. But because as military leaders, they can never do wrong, chikena!

The military has done a lot for us, abeg. It even gave us the chance to blame everything on it. We call it “the Nigerian factor.” That’s aside from blaming the human nature, and if it’s in Lagos, Tinubu. Last week, for instance, Obasanjo said Tinubu did not allow him to save Lagosians from the Bar Beach menace. And his Works Minister, Ogunlewe, keeps blaming Tinubu for the bad state of Federal roads. Look, Tinubu is no saint. In fact, I do not like him because he spoiled my car. If he had done the roads to my Kirikiri office, for instance, my shock absorber and the bolt joints probably would still be intact. But blaming the Federal responsibilities on him would be too much “credit.”

Even the military shouldn’t take all the “glory.” After years of lamentation on military misrule, the politicians too have done a lot to change our fate. For the worst. And for that, I thank them. Just like a starving man would appreciate a fly that has just fallen into his meal. 

FROM MY MAILBOX

You are too much

I commend your writing style. It adds colour and fun to an otherwise very serious but boring national issues. I have never been a politic freak or really keen on reading columns, but yours has changed all that now. As a matter of fact, I go to your column first before  others. At last something good has come out from Akwa Ibom, my own  state.

“abasifreke umoh” <frekymoore@yahoo.com>  

Keep it up

Thanks for the great work you are doing in your column, using simple words to capture the goings-on in our national life – with a touch of humour.

 Keep up your good work for the poor masses of this frustrating country are solidly behind you and the entire crew of the Sun newspapers.

 “uzochukwu peter” <peero27@yahoo.com>  

On government strike

In Nigeria, we do as we are told, not as they do. So if the government tells us we should buy fuel at N150per litre, or it would go on strike who are we to contest it? 

“plenitas rosemary” <plenlyrose@yahoo.com>  

…Still on strike

I think it will do us Nigerians  good if this government should go on strike. As a good Nigerian who has the interest of my country at heart , I advice Chief Audu Ogbe and General Obasanjo to lead PDP strike with immediate effect. And declare state of emergency on PDP for the betterment of our dear nation. As for you, Usoro, you’re a great gift to humanity. Keep the flag flying.

 “Kelechi Glorious” <franserious@yahoo.com>  

I was impressed

When I read your article tagged “Every idiot needs a NAFDAC number” I was really impressed and I just felt that the time for every Nigerian citizen, political office holders and the youths in particular, to rise up and face the reality without fear of intimidation is now – for the safety of our democracy.

“S. O. Onuoha” <soonuoha@yahoo.com>  

• First published in Saturday Sun of  July 03, 2004