I’m still in shock. I thought by now I would be a rich man. After Finance Minister Nenadi Usman announced that they were going to pay local debts, I sold all my ‘tokunbo’ things. Including my dog. And old toothbrush. I thought ‘old things’ – including poverty – should pass away. So, I sold everything I owned, including my ‘slim-fit’ moustache. I even considered selling my wife and kids too, but for fear of “sedition.”

 

Surprisingly, when names of government creditors were called on Tuesday, mine was not among. Initially, I thought it was the typist’s error. So, I wrote the name in capital letters and placed on the TV screen. Yet, the fellow who announced names ignored it. Haba! What insensitivity! I’m planning to sue the government, the announcer and even the TV for sedi-whatever.

 

Every time people’s names are mentioned on TV, mine is never there. Why? Not when some illiterates are given honorary degrees. Not when some fraudsters get national awards. Even when they announce budget, my name is never on the allocation list! Is it that they can’t pronounce it or what?

 

Well, I’ve soon realised that I wasn’t the only one ignored by the government on Tuesday. Of course,  we – the masses – are always ignored whenever they share things that should impact positively on us. It’s only when they share the negative ones like poverty, fuel price hike, retrenchment, etc, that they remember us.

Sometimes, ‘book people’ deceive us that the only thing government owes us is called “obligation.” I think it’s a lie. Please, somebody should tell “government” – whoever he is – that he also owes us happiness. And high standard of living – good roads, well-equipped health facilities, good drinking water, job opportunities, education, etc. It owes us bread and butter. And a secure society! In fact, government even owes my grandma money for snuff!

 

Hey! We, millions of deprived people, have decided to fight this injustice. As members of DNA – Deprived Nigerians Association – we insist on payment of our local debts. By God! It doesn’t matter if we have to hire Ojo Maduekwe and Daniel Kanu to help us organise a pro-Abachalike rally. We’re the actual people owed by this government. We no go gree – o; we no go gree!

 

You see, some of us have been contractors to the government in different ways. For instance, during the 2003 election, some of us supplied thugs for politicians. We helped to fake their academic papers and pushed them into positions of authority. I swear, the only ‘mobilisation fee’ we got comprised hemps  – Indian, Chinese, Japanese, German and, well, Nigerian. We washed them down with ‘ogogoro’ and went to work. After the project execution, when our eyes cleared, we had no job. No legitimate means of feeding. No hope. So, we descended on the defenseless society. Private citizens, banks, etc. Don’t blame us. As we could not reach the real people owing us, we had to vent our frustration on somebody, abi? Formerly known as “National Association of Thugs and Area Boys (NATAB)” we’ve since merged with another powerful group.  In line with the federal government reforms and consolidation agenda, we’re now: “Contractors for Armed Robbers and Area Thugs (CARAT).”

 

Look, if the PDP government ignores us, we would wait for them next year. Just by the polling and counting centres. Ah! That’s when they would need us again, abi? To kill; maim, so they can loot. Last selection, sorry, election, some of us had INEC IDs. As “election rigging contractors,” we ‘sexed up’ figures on the ballot papers. Replaced real ballot boxes with fakes. Bros! In the Niger Delta, we even gave  more votes than the actual people on ground. Check out Rivers State. Soon after, those we laboured for abandoned us. After  promising Heaven on Earth. Debtors, all!  And since they refused to pay, we remained idle just for a while. Well, as one pastor put it, the devil had pity on us and found us a lucrative occupation – hostage taking. Now we’ve an organization which the government can only ignore at the peril of ‘oyinbo’ oil workers.  It’s called  Coalition of Niger Delta Abductors  (CONDA). We insist that government must pay our debt. At least, if government cannot build roads on the ocean, it should make the marshlands motorable. Was it not Denise Robins who wrote that promise is a debt?

Look, the first Economic Law of Okonjo-Iweala (ELOI) states that: “Every debt – whether in cash or in kind – must be paid, either in kind or in cash.” So, if they pay those they owed in cash, they must also compensate some of us owed in kind. This is where the South-south argument for presidency comes in. 

 

Me? I don’t care if the next president comes from Equatorial Guinea, provided he forces down the price of fuel. Why should a 4-litre gallon of kerosene now sell for N600? Yet, government claims it’s reducing poverty. Still, for the sake of justice and debt settlement, the South-south should get its moral debt from Nigeria. Let Balarabe Musa execute his “war” in 2007 in his house. And, if Umaru Dikko wants to return to his London crate, the South-south doesn’t have to stage a coup to give him an excuse. 

 

When politicians make boastful, provocative statements, they hardly consider the masses. When they share positions, they don’t even know we exist. When the GMGs move around in the night, we’re never considered. It’s only when they want to fight and kill to get positions that they involve us. 

 

It’s tragic! As living beings, we enjoy neither government patronage nor politicians’ favour. When we desire leaders, all we get are rulers, dictators and, well, looters. Even when we die, we still don’t enjoy the government. Now, they are even planning to sack some of our dead colleagues from Aso Rock. And I blame Nasir el-Rufai. I don’t know what that man put in his eyes to see our dead members – o. He’s the same fellow who spotted fools in the Senate. Now, after seven years, he’s the only one who noticed that ‘ghosts’ have invaded Aso Rock – eating, winning and sleeping on the same bed with Babasanjo. In fact, I heard, they were the ones who put the 3rd term idea in his Owu cap. Ah! That el-Rufai is a ‘dangerful’ man, I swear!

 

But how do you sack a ghost? Certainly, not with a letter. Since the presidential aides, sorry, ghosts were not employed in the first place, it’s senseless trying to retrench them. Somebody should contact the Baale of Lisa Village fast. 

 

When Bellview plane buried 117 Nigerians in that village, last year, that old man threatened to send the ghosts packing. I suspect he eventually drove all the jobless ghosts  into Aso Rock. In fact, that man should be charged with “sedition.” And “mischief.” He’s as “mischievous” as Ngozi Okonjo-Iweala, who uncovered fraud in the Foreign Ministry, recently. Ask Ufot Ekaette. I wonder who sent her, anyway. Something that was ‘covered.’ Did she think she was sent there to go and ‘reform’ anything? She dared to ‘uncover’ fraud and  my brother told her to shut up. ‘Ghost’ fraud is not supposed to be seen by humans, chikena!

 

Ah! So we have ghost-workers in Aso Rock? No wonder some of the policies emanating from there have always aimed at exterminating the living. Take the impending retrenchment. 33,000 workers, already traumatised by the harsh economy would be sent into the labour market. They would join millions of others already there – including my grandmother. 

 

Nigeria has over 150 million people. But if FG employs only 160,000 genuine workers, it makes noise. Who’s supposed to employ the rest? The private sector that’s fast-closing shop because of poor business climate? Nonsense! Sacking the workers is hardly the solution to the nation’s problem. After sacking the 33,000, next year, they would still tell us that the workforce is over-bloated. Isn’t it always? Especially when somebody wants to be seen as working. By talking! Meanwhile, nobody worries about the dependents of those workers. Each of them probably has over 20 people to fend for – including their cats, dogs and goats. Is anybody still wondering why the crime rate soars? Why robbers live in Lagos banks? Why thugs rule Anambra? Why hostage taking is the only business in Niger Delta? And why investors aren’t coming?

 

  • First published in Saturday Sun of  July 15, 2006

 

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