I hereby congratulate retired Prelate Sunday Mbang on his new appointment. Very collapsible sources said the old man has appointed himself the acting, deputy, senior special assistant spokesman for the president on PTDF, Marine Float and MOFAS account matters. In addition, he’s doubling as very senior special assistant on Public Insult. I heard Mbang typed the appointment letter by himself – with an old, rusty, Olympia typewriter! 

But, I’m happy. Rather than waiting for the devil alone to find him work, he found one for himself. You see, the devil’s work is never advertised in the media! But Mbang was lucky and smart to see an opening. Ah! Since born-again Funny, sorry, Femi Fani-Kayode, became a minister, there’s been nobody to match his tongue in the Presidency. Even the vain hope that anybody named Uba can swing fraudulent and controversial exploits has failed. Notoriety is not sold in the market. Hence Uba Sani, who officially took over from Fani-Kayode  has been, like the sleeping dog, lying-in-state. That’s how Mbang got the new job.

Well, those who have tried retirement confess that it’s really a boring venture. And sources insist it would have been worse for a fellow like Mbang, always so active that he visits Aso Rock 25hours in a day! And, so adept in ballroom dance, Mbang has decided to ‘dance’ for Baba. One good ‘dance,’ I heard, always leads to a generous aide – preferably, in-charge of banking, I mean, domestic matters!

But, I worry. Now that Mbang has offered himself this presidential job, he might not be useful to us in court. With his  frequent visits to Aso Rock, said one carpenter – our lead counsel – Mbang would’ve qualified as ‘the people’s witness.’ Oh! If you’ve not heard, the case between ‘the people’ and Aso Rock is coming up soon. It’s about the billions ‘float – ing’ from Marine to MOFAS to Villa, etc. But, I heard Mbang has already denied ever seeing any piece of paper near Aso Rock. Not even bread papers. Not to mention naira, dollar. Not even Ghanaian cedi or Biafran pounds! 

Well, Mbang is  supposed to be a pastor, not Soludo. Still, if he couldn’t see money ‘floating,’ how come in all his ‘busybody’ journeys  to Aso Rock, he never saw the devil, either? Imagine! The same gate Mbang passes into Aso kitchen, there are SSS men. Add the mobile policemen. Officials from FRSC. NEPA(the power holders!). NAFDAC. Navy. Air Force. Army. ‘Yellow Fever.’ Bomb Squad. Immigration. Customs. FERMA. Divers. Civil Defence. Man O’ War. And even Area Boys association. Now, one naughty fellow in my office wants to know what they were doing when Chief (Dr) Demon passed unnoticed into the Presidency. Did they go to launch like Bola Ige’s security men? 

Ah! Thank God for eagle-eyed General Yakubu Gowon. You see, as a former headache, sorry, head of state, Gowon is probably always looking at the entrance of Aso Rock. Or, probably, has a surveillance camera planted there. That would explain why he’s the only one who spotted Chief Demon aka Devil, sneaking into the Villa. 

For your ‘informate,’ we intend to use Gowon as a star witness in the case between ‘the people’ and Aso Rock. Already, he’s made usually useless, sorry, useful information. Referring to the Obasanjo-Atiku corruption war, he told our counsel – the bald-headed carpenter – that: “There is a demon traveling within the Presidency that is responsible for what we are witnessing today. We are praying that God should arrest the demon.” So, if God comes down to arrest Mr Demon, what is Ehindero’s work? I think the IG should sue Gowon for suggesting his sack. Was Gowon saying our leaders and Aso are possessed with the demon of corruption?

Anyway, I heard Mbang has decided to testify on ‘the other side’ – meaning Aso Rock or the devil?  Or both? Well, I suggest Mbang should help ensure that Chief Demon or Dr devil is charged with ‘threat to national security.’ And jailed for life, too. Instead of harassing Garba Shehu. Mbang should also tell Obasanjo to ensure that Chief (Dr) Demon, alias Devil is jailed for ‘sedition.’ Instead of disturbing poor journalists trying to bring sanity into this corruption stench emanating from high places.

Come, why is it that some people have just refused to do the job they signed for? For instance, why has Mbang refused to do the work of a pastor – praying for the nation? Rather, he goes about praying for only presidents and presidential aspirants – leaving the national prayer for Gowon alone. Haba! Gowon’s left alone to “pray that God would give the National Assembly the wisdom to deal with the rift between the president and the vice president.”

Meanwhile, Mbang has turned himself into a lawyer, defending Obasanjo even before the facts. I’m only sorry for his “client.’ Anybody who depends on such a blind advocate would be escorted into jail with a horsewhip. Lawyer Mbang has challenged Atiku to prove his allegations against Obasanjo. Is taking sides the work of a priest? Where was he when Atiku’s aide reeled out documents that have left Obasanjo and his spin doctors dizzy? Nonsense!

I heard one condition that got Mbang the ‘new job’ is that he once owned a Bible. Sources swear he once even quoted from that old book. They’re also ready to testify that Mbang’s romance with any government in power (AGIP) has nothing to do with what he read in the Bible. One of them even swore by my big head that nobody can rightly accuse Mbang of doing what the Bible teaches! “That man is a man of God,” he said. “That’s why he’s decided to have nothing to do with the world – include his Idua community in Akwa Ibom State. And his siblings.” 

Mischief makers at work. Yeye people! Even when I closed my ears with a ‘loud speaker,’ they kept shouting that Mbang has not benefited his community in any way. The fellow swore by ‘Akai-Edoho’ – a popular shrine for the Idua stock. He claimed Mbang knows nothing about home. Well, that’s not news because the man has confessed that much. He complained that Akwa Ibom elders ‘ordered’  him to introduce Attah to Obasanjo as a presidential candidate. “I don’t know the conditions of being a leader in the area but I was drafted.. “Many people come to tell me, please, we would like to see Obasanjo, take me there,” he claimed. 

The priest doesn’t lie. Or does he? “Forget Mbang,” said one ‘half idiot.’ “His brothers are all there sleeping in poverty; eating poverty; and even drinking poverty. Yet, if they allow him, he might even defend the devil Gowon saw penetrating Aso security to cause problem in the Villa soup pot.” Mbang’s elder brother nicknamed ‘Keynote’ for his prowess in music, has been languishing in want all his life. Yet, Mbang, the big man is ‘chopping’ with other big men. His other brother, ‘Owo-ima’ discusses with people in another realm, while waving at mortals on this plane. Some village busybodies said Mbang did nothing while ‘Owo-Ima’ walked the streets discussing with leaves and grasses like the late Para-psychologist Gabriel Okonzua. And, some of his brother’s children are worse than slaves. Some who venture into schools are entirely on their own – doing virtually anything to survive! But, of course, shut up! You must not speak evil of the presidential prelate.

Me?  I had to defend the priest. I told them that since the man is retired from reading the Bible, who he ‘dances’ with shouldn’t be anybody’s malaria. If he even chooses to defend the Aso devil Gowon saw, it shouldn’t cause a yawn. 

Look, Mbang is my brother, jare! And he’s achieved a lot. Is it easy to be the priest for every government in power? IBB, Abacha, Abubakar, Obasanjo. A wise man thinking of retirement avoids criticising those in authority. Scriptural wisdom must have mentioned somewhere that Mbang should prepare for retirement. Amen! So, while they last, Mbang never sees anything wrong in any of the mentioned leaders. 

Add this to his CV. It was during Mbang’s tenure as the president of the Christian Association of Nigeria (CAN) that a “total idiot” was discovered in the body. Since then, idiots now have categories – some half; others total! Some even have immunity. And NAFDAC number! And Obasanjo could have pocketed CAN. But out of respect for his friend, he put it under his foot. “CAN, my foot!” he declared in Jos. Mbang smiled. ‘Notin de hapin.’ Ask Tuface!

Mbang’s regime in CAN benefited coffin makers a lot. They sold more as CAN recorded the highest number of  deaths in religious crisis. And while Mbang drank wine in Aso Rock, churches were burnt in numbers. Then, he played music in his head. And shuffled to the tune; ballroom style! Otherwise, cowardly silence! He only dares find voice, when the hand that butters his bread is involved in a political wrestling. 

Still, Mbang is my m-a-i-n man. The only Akwa Ibom man authorised to wear Igbo red cap to sleep – traditional ceremony or none. 

Anyway, somebody should tell Mbang the truth. I don’t care who goes to jail – over corruption – provided the constitutional procedure is followed to nail the person. At least, I won’t have the familial responsibility of visiting him. That is left for those they share the loot with.

• First published in Saturday Sun of  Sept 30, 2006