Who named Akwa Ibom ‘Land of Promise’?

Who named Akwa Ibom ‘Land of Promise’? That has been the engaging question on many lips, as the state grapples with tonnes of unfulfilled promises.  

Last week, I had it out with my editor. Honestly, I was furious. This guy questioned my “understanding” of certain words, but he was dead wrong. Right then, I was “sitting.” If he accused me of a lack of “undersitting,” I wouldn’t have batted an eye. Anyway, how he expects all of us to decipher the “big, big grammar” from today’s politicians is something I can’t quite “understand.”

Well, I’m not alone in this intellectual indictment. The “common man” in Akwa Ibom has been slapped with that label for weeks now. In some perplexing advertorials published by the Akwa Ibom Professionals Forum (AKPF)—purportedly based in the United Kingdom and the United States— even the government’s (mis)understanding was laid bare. Since I learned to read “Udo Baraikang” early on, albeit in a night school, I’ll attempt an interpretation of their article for my mates in AKISLU—“Akwa Ibom Indigenes Suffering from Lack of Understanding.” AKPF claimed, “Akwa Ibom people cannot count the dividends of democracy that have accrued to them under Governor Attah…”

Interpretation: How can you count what you can’t see? Abasi mbok! If there’s nothing to count, you can’t count, silly!

The Irony of naming Akwa Ibom

If that piece aimed to boost the government’s propaganda machine, it spectacularly missed the mark. It’s like trying to use a mosquito net to block the cold—utterly useless. An indictment meant to sound like a “congratulatory message.” Have you ever heard of nourishing poison? I hereby declare the writer wanted. If he dares to show his face, the first person to “catch” him will become the Eagles’ No. 1 goalkeeper.

Also, AKPF should be “annulled” for suggesting that the Akwa Ibom paramount ruler, sorry, governor’s achievements are merely verbal. “We should ignore critics who say Colonel Abbe did the project when he was military governor. After all, Abbe forgot to add ‘international’ to the name of his own golf course,” they said. Meaning: Attah doesn’t tackle “local” problems in his state but clings to the illusion that everything can reach high standards simply by his say-so. Like achieving so much by merely adding the word “international” to the old golf course at Nwaniba.

If I ever find the guy who named Akwa Ibom “Land of Promise,” I’ll wring his neck for our misfortune. There may not be much in a name, but some characters are really exploiting that tag. Why didn’t anyone think of “Land of Fulfillment”? A place where things could actually be “actualized” for a change. Instead, we end up with only “promises,” “pledges,” “assurances,” and other empty words that only raise our expectations.

Reality check on who named Akwa Ibom

So Attah reportedly spent “a meager” N2.8 billion by April last year on the Independent Power Project (IPP). About three months back, I was in Uyo as one of his guests. We were promised “projects,” but we mainly saw “sites.”

The Governor’s aides discouraged us from visiting the IPP site because “there is nothing to see.” But AKPF believes the IPP has lit up all communities. No hard feelings. I don’t expect the writer to stay in the USA or UK (if that organization even exists) to know that the IPP has only two turbines. It needs six to function. So, no authority can “hasten and commission it to shame critics of the governor.”

Meaning: Despite the commendable effort at rural electrification, the IPP has nothing to do with it. For now, it’s just a big drainpipe.

My teacher once told me that “distraction” involves something messing with someone’s concentration. But what does it mean in a political context? So, when AKPF claimed that the EFCC probing an alleged fraudulent deal in V-mobile (formerly ECONET) was a distraction, I reached for my dictionary. Findings: Since the Akwa Ibom government “concentrates” on nothing, there can’t really be a distraction. No matter what critics say, it’s hard to accuse Attah of concentration. With “attention” scattered across areas that may never materialize—even in 2015—Attah is more like a juggler. Yet, his aides insist he champions “investment and not developmental projects”—whatever that means.

The delusions of Who Named Akwa Ibom

Now, I’ve scoured the names of villages in Eket local government, and there’s no “Ikot Ibok” (only Ikot Ebok and Ikot Ibiok). Hence, when AKPF claimed that Attah’s N3 billion refinery is there, I appointed Saddam Hussein as the oil minister. They say it’s of “international” (that word again) standard—creating more jobs. And they forgot to add that citizens only read about fuel scarcity in the newspapers. Recently, when fuel sold between N70 and N100 in Akwa Ibom, some commercial motorcyclists wore “Fuel is life” T-shirts. Anyway, AKPF claimed the phantom refinery was awaiting “commissioning”—only in their minds. You see, my parents are from Eket, so I know about this refinery thing. A private initiative by an Ikot Ibiok indigene has been reportedly frustrated by the state government. The debate over where to site it hasn’t even been settled! Interpretation: No refinery.

Well, the “Olympic-size” stadium in Uyo is quite the curiosity. The next Olympic is in Athens, so how can there be an Olympic-size stadium in Uyo? No “security reasons” can keep a stadium secret—not even fears of a “security breach.” Analysis: The only Olympic-size stadium exists in the governor’s office. That’s why nobody outside that office knows the site—it simply doesn’t exist.

The unfulfilled promises

Despite the ADB water project, even the fountain at the N5 million Ibom Plaza gets its water from private contractors. In a building next to the plaza, my aunty buys water for her restaurant. In local vernacular: the ADB scheme has no link with “River Attah.” Instead, it’s Okada riders’ appreciation of Attah’s “achievement” on the flooded Uyo roads, especially Ikot Ekpene Road. The same roads that Information Commissioner Patrick Ekpotu boasted would be as smooth as Papa Ajasco’s head before November last year. Now, when it rains, even the motor parks compete with the Atlantic.

AKPF claimed Akwa Ibom University is in a campaign office, complete with a big signpost. Implication: Another “paper achievement.” It was on the drawing board long before Cross River started thinking. Now, Duke has actualized his; ours is still “verbal”! Attah’s own is reportedly the only university offering only post-graduate degrees. Maybe after “thy kingdom” has come and gone.

If I were Attah’s media manager, I’d scream thunder and strike those trying to tarnish my oga’s reputation. Blacklist all of them. In fact, I’d send them anthrax or phony phone numbers to scare them with the tale of a telecoms demon. I’d donate my salary to those claiming “international (again?) conferences and seminars” are happening in an uncompleted “five-star hotel” in my backyard—without my knowledge! Abasi akan! Understanding: No stars or even firefly activity on that building. Yes, one wing has been roofed, but even with the 100 percent “resource control” money, there’s no guarantee the main structure will be done by December. So, if all Akwa Ibom citizens fail Maths in WAEC, NECO, JAMB, etc., we know who to blame. The government has really given us nothing to count.

• First published in Saturday Sun  of  August 7, 2004