Fuel strike in my house

Fuel strike was two-a-kobo in 2004. And so was fuel price hike. The Reality Column had a funny way of responding to it. Find out.

Labour law or not, I’m going on strike. Nothing would change my mind. Not even if you beg me like el-Rufai did the Senate. I’ve just had enough of this nonsense!

 The other day, an 8am flight took off at 6pm. The harassed airline management just had to raise money to meet the sudden fuel price hike. A tray was even passed around the waiting lounge of the airport for “a generous donation.” But all I could donate were two leftover grains of groundnuts.

Meanwhile, as I waited, no relation knew my fate. My cellphone had all the signs of life. Everyone around me was talking on phone. Some, to themselves. But every time I tried to call someone, it said, “service is unavailable.” On a Sunday?  I  concluded something was wrong, when I realised a nearby church was in full swing – the pastor “rapping”  at the highest decibel. And, at  a nearby counter, somebody was “serving”  a fellow with drinks. So, how can “Fee-mobile” say “service” was “unavailable”? 

Me: Is that the Fee-mobile office? Please, it’s 4pm now but I have been trying to make calls since Adam ‘shook the father of his children’ in the Garden of Eden.

Fee-Mobile: Who do you want to speak with? You know, I am very  humble, that is why I am bothering to talk to you. In fact, right now, network is busy – try later. The person you are calling doesn’t have phone.

Me: I want to reach my wife in Lagos, at least, to tell her that I would get home in 2007. That is, if by God’s grace we get a humane leader who doesn’t increase fuel price every time he takes in oxygen. 

Fee-mobile: Your call is being forwarded to the trashcan. If you don’t like it,  trek to whoever you are calling. Fuel price has just been increased and our generator would soon go off. We have no fuel either to take your calls to “total idiots.”

Funny! That “thing” that buried the NLC is called Labour Law. Some say it’s anti-people;  anti-Labour. I think it’s not just the “anti,” it’s also uncle, mother, father, grand mum, granddad, cousin, step-mum, step-dad, etc of cruelty. But call it whatever you may, all the critics of General Obasanjo should now  develop lumbago – bent double in shame. 

 The Otta farmer has added one more achievement to his faded cap. The fuel tax has not only come to stay, it came with a bed too. It has moved from the backyard into the sitting room and into the bedroom. And with “dedication.” That is why the “excess” is always stashed in a “dedicated account.” Dedicated to only those close to the theatre of power. Pity! We never get to enjoy whatever they do with that money. No account. No information. 

 I was tired of strike once. Each time fuel price went up, the NLC  told us to go on strike.  Now, I’m not waiting for anybody.  I started strike subtly, last night. I refused to eat at home. Reason? There was no food to eat. Reason? Madam had increased her “capital base.”

 I used to give my wife N10 to cook soup.  I got home one day to meet a Soludo-like act. She raised it to N25 for each leave of vegetable, water, salt, crayfish, etc. To cook a pot of soup, I probably  would need the proceed from one month’s fuel tax. Before I knew it, strike had started in my house. One  placard read: “No  increased capital base; no food.” The other said: “Increase fuel price; increase feeding allowee.” As if  I was Obasanjo.

 Wife: The cost of housekeeping is rising. You just have to raise the capital base.

Me: But you haven’t been “keeping” the house. It’s firm on its foundation. Besides, which shares am I supposed to sell to raise the capital?

 She didn’t even consider that the “base” of some (state) capitals have not been raised. My salary hasn’t been raised either. And to make matters worse, she refused my suggestion for a merger. But, it’s not her fault. At least, until Obasanjo, Rasheed Gbadamosi and their cruel PPPRA raised the fuel price, she cooked soup with N5 and brought home the balance.  Now, things have gone so bad that everybody is on strike in my house. Including my car! Nobody’s waiting for NLC. And, surprisingly, when  reminded they could go to jail for six months for violating the new Labour Law, they  all demanded the SSS’s one-way ticket to Abuja. “Aren’t we already in hell? We might as well go to jail, let the government feed us all,” they said. 

 Well, no matter what anybody says, I like a government, which acts before thinking. It saves time and energy. I also like a government, which doesn’t bother itself with what the people think. By the end of this year, we may have to pay N100 for a litter of fuel. It’s for “pocket,” sorry, “public interest.”

 Citizen: Whose interest is public interest?

Politician: Our interest. Remember, we hold it in trust for you. Trust us, we don’t know what we are doing. This fuel tax thing is the only way we can develop…our pockets.  Just a little more understanding from you, please. Every reform comes with pain. No need to take paracetamol. Exercise some patience till you die. By then, those in power would have concluded the reform – with the public till “dedicated” to the pockets. 

Citizen: Who is “you” and who is “we”?

Politician: You ask too many questions. You want to go to jail? Let me warn you, there’s nothing like human rights, anymore. It’s now “human left.” If you don’t know who is “we” and who is “you,” just keep quiet and watch my cheeks and tummy. 

• First published in Saturday Sun of  Oct 02, 2004