An image of a nanny and a baby. It accompanies an article: I sent our nanny packing and madam accused of sedition."

I sent our nanny packing. I didn’t want trouble. It all started with her name and application. She had been married twice and left six children in those unions. While she claimed to be 42, she said she was 35 during the oral interview.

Ah! I couldn’t trust a woman who played games with her age around my baby. Therefore, I asked her to go. To make matters worse, her name was Tokunbo! I barely held myself back from calling her a second-hand liar. After all, I didn’t want her accusing me of ‘sedition’!

Lessons from when I went our nanny packing

Look, I’ve learned my lesson—oh. In fact, I became wiser the day my wife charged me with ‘sedition.’ It was on her birthday, so imagine my plight! I spent a month on voice training to sing a perfect ‘Happy Birthday.’ Yet, I got the wrong end of her temper for simply asking, “How old are you now?”

That night, I faced charges of ‘sedition’—contrary to section 51 (1) (a) of the Romantic Code Act, Chapter 77, Laws of Madam’s Kitchen (LMK). Even though I pleaded ‘TDB’—till-day-break—I faced punishment for three days without evidence. On Day 1, I slept on the cold floor during a rainy night. Then, on Day 2, a pillow-wall separated my hands from madam. Finally, on Day 3, I earned back-to-back contact! The rest? Well, let’s just say it’s not for public discussion. Hallelujah!

The bigger picture after I sent our nanny packing

Until I sent our nanny packing, I thought ‘sedition’ meant to drug somebody to sleep, like when doctors sedate a patient. With my poor education, I never imagined that asking about someone’s well-being and age could cause harm. However, now I hear NAFDAC has the power to screen every letter and message. Consequently, anyone addressing a person named ‘Tokunbo’ might see their correspondence seized, and the sender arrested—electronically. Very unhealthy? To hell with free flow of information, accountability, and, well, age.

But wait—oh. For a while now, hasn’t ‘tokunbo’ become synonymous with poverty in this country? For no fault of ours, we’re forced to buy tokunbo fridges, TVs, clothes, cars, etc. In fact, some of us even marry tokunbo wives and husbands. Yet, we’re not supposed to inquire about their ages. Ultimately, it’s still the poor man that suffers. You see, even my mechanic took advantage of this drama. Just recently, he bought a part for my car. When I asked him if it was ‘tokunbo,’ wahala started. As a result, I have stopped calling anybody ‘tokunbo.’

The evolving meaning of sedition

Nonetheless, the problem seems larger than just my experience. I heard ‘sedition’ has acquired a new meaning defined by security agencies and angry pro-3rd term politicians.

Furthermore, I also heard there’s a secret decree now in place, promulgated by Babasanjo, stating that if any poor man asks, “How are you?” he faces charges of sedition. In fact, if you’re very unlucky, you could be charged with “conspiracy to commit a seditious act…” These days, I’m told one person can “conspire among yourselves (sic) to utter seditious words, publish, or reproduce seditious publications…” It doesn’t matter that conspiracy usually involves more than one person.

Ask General Muhamadu Buhari. You see, until he said so last week, I never knew I was a “very influential and patriotic Nigerian.” He got my attention when he claimed that the draconian Decree 4, which he introduced as a dictator, has returned cloaked in Owu ‘ankara’. Decree 4 sent Tunde Thomson and Nduka Iraboh to jail—and to limelight. Now, Gbenga Aruleba (of AIT) and Rotimi Durojaiye (of Daily Independent) face similar fates. Someone even predicted that if those journalists land in jail, they might come out larger than life, especially if they become politicians later. Why? Almost all our prominent politicians today have spent time in jail—some for things they didn’t even do!

Reflections on loyalty and sedition

Anyway, this talk of sedition is as dizzying as Babasanjo’s search for absolute loyalty. I guess they are related. Experts like Ahmadu Ali insist that where there’s ‘absolute loyalty,’ there can never be sedition. However, isn’t it also true that ‘absolute loyalty’ can only exist where there is ‘the absolute’? Among mortals, ‘the absolute’ cannot be another mortal—no matter how dictatorial they are. Idi Amin died, didn’t he? IBB lost power, abi? And Abacha took the eternal ‘apple.’ All were dictators who demanded ‘absolute loyalty’—from their wives, citizenry, and even God!

I don’t know why, but true ‘loyalty’ has become very scarce. Even Baba has just discovered this. In fact, some experts claim it’s as rare as modern-day constitutional backing for a figure called sedition. “If Mr. Sedition contests the 2007 election, he’ll get no votes from any colonial mortuary,” said one Political Science professor from my university.

Well, if discussing age counts as ‘sedition,’ then Gbenga Obasanjo should also face charges. He revealed that his father lied about his actual age. According to him, General Obasanjo is actually older than he admits. Hello! Is that you, Gbenga? Okay, between you and Baba, who really lied about age? And do you know that talking like that about our president can be seditious? It wouldn’t do to utter empty ‘confabulated’ apologies like Ahmadu Ali. On behalf of Nigerian journalists, true democrats, and the masses, we must deny somebody bail for this. We reject this unjust victimization of the media, amen!

  • First published in Saturday Sun of July 01, 2006.

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