I need a face transplant, fast! OK, I’m told it’s called plastic surgery. Point is, I’d always known I was ugly. In fact, the other day, when I saw myself in the mirror, I thought of the “most ugly man” contest. Then, I broke all the mirrors in my house. Enough of ugly sights, I told my head.  But soon, I was again reminded  of my  Dracula looks. When your baby wakes in the morning, looks at your face intently and smiles mischievously, be sure you look like Ekpo masquerade carved in Ikot Ekpene. It happened to me! Yet, I never thought it could be so bad to scare a whole governor. Until last week. And it hurts!

I’ve seen my governor on TV. We’ve met on the pages of newspapers. I listened to him across a distance. And, I’ve come to see him, from that space, as a very witty person. Sometimes, as “witty” as General Olusegun Obasanjo. With ready-made answers to every question – as if rehearsed. But  we’ve never been “up close and personal.” Every time an opportunity crops up, it fizzles with the wind. Last week, there was every assurance that  I would look him eye-to-eye. I was told the man was even excited he was going to meet some Akwa Ibom journalists based in Lagos. But after the “facility tour” of some of his projects.

The man may have been handicapped by cash squeeze during the resource control “battle.” But he sure has done something to his aides. The word, I was told, is “motivation.” They are ever so loyal, speaking glowingly of the man and his dreams. And in flowery terms, they make even the governor’s dreams an instant reality.  So, we went on “facility tour.” But, there were only a few things to “see.” Yes,   there was the unfinished structure of the N3billion five-star hotel. There was the completed 50-unit housing scheme – in each council. Attah’s men tried to convince me that it was a low-income thing – at a  paltry  (?) N2.5 million each. A joint effort between the state and  Shelter-Afrique of South Africa produced about 380  blocks – both duplexes and single flats – about N3.5million each. But the most impressive was the General Hospital at Okobo. We were told of two  others – all spread to cover the three senatorial districts in the state.

Still, some projects remained at the “site” level. The airport project, tied to the Federal government’s hanger scheme, is still a dream. So is the University of Science and Technology. That, we were told, would  admit only for Masters degrees. The Ibom Power Plant still has only two turbines. The refinery still  hasn’t left the ground. The Ibom rice project has begun. At least, we saw the site, the equipment and where the silos would be. There was the cassava plantation, too – which the state has put in about $350,000. 

Well, of all the projects, none affects the residents like the state of the roads. Almost all the major roads within Uyo town are in a terrible shape. On some like Aka Road, commercial motorcyclists queue to navigate the only good spots there. And with many years of unmet expectations, the residents have become skeptics. So even where the government has started rehabilitating some roads, they insist that they may soon be abandoned. To them, the N14billion rehab efforts on Calabar-Itu, Abak, Nwaniba, Oron, Aka-Etinan Roads and some failed portions within Uyo have no stamp of sincerity. Not even the ADB water projects in about eight locations and the commendable rural electrification network could appease them.

After interacting with the “people about town,” explanations from the governor’s aides no longer helped.  I was anxious to hear from the man in the Hilltop Mansion – the only authoritative voice in matters concerning Akwa Ibom. But when the clock chimed  9pm on Saturday, and I was called to “a brief meeting,” I suspected my hope would be shattered. And it was. Chief Press Secretary Ise Akpaso  told us, with pain, that his ogawas “indisposed.” He regretted the disappointment and blamed it on “pressure.”  I sympathised with the Obong. And even said maybe it was “stress.” It was not until later that I realized there must have been more to the story. Next morning, I went to town and learnt Attah was unhappy the previous night because of certain decisions from his party caucus in the state. Some council chairmen were reportedly imposed on him. Beyond that, the bribery case involving the Akwa Ibom chief judge may have unsettled the governor. And that was when I noticed the CPS’s ingenuity. And the difficulty the guy must have had telling us Attah was deliberately avoiding us. So he came up with those words – “pressure” and “indisposed.” I looked up the words later. 

Pressure – “powerful and stressful demands on somebody…Something that affects thoughts and behaviours, in a powerful way, usually in the form of several outside influences working together persuasively.” Indisposed – “too ill to do something…unwilling to say or do something, especially because of a feeling of annoyance.” The first had to do with the party. The second, with the inquisitive journalists. I’m sure my governor was  not “too ill” to see us. It must have been that part about “annoyance” making him “unwilling” … And that anger, I suspect, had to do with my face. I suspect he must have seen my column, noted my face and comments about Akwa Ibom. And when he was told I was there to see him, he suddenly  became “indisposed.”  Why? 

Attah, I’ve heard, is a brave man. I’m sure he wasn’t “indisposed” because of some “stupid” questions from journalist(s). Still, even the bravest of lions could be weakened by “ugly” scenes. Hence, the governor must have been “scared” of my ugly face. Period. I challenge him to prove me wrong – by looking at my ugly face for one hour – without blinking. For where!

Anyway, I’m angry at my face. It deprived me of a chance of getting my grandma’s wish. The old woman had charged me to ask Attah why he had to wait for resource control money before patching up bad roads. Was that not a job a department in the Ministry of Works could have done? Why is he taking on too many ambitious projects – all at once? Is it true that all the lucrative contracts go to his associates and relations? Why is Eket so marginalised – with none of the projects sited there?  Now that he’s getting 100 per cent derivation, what does he need the N12billion from the Stock Exchange for? Why attempt to dualise most roads in Uyo, instead of just repairing them?

Well, if I don’t get the answers for grandma before she “gives up,” Attah should be blamed for “woman slaughter.” One day, sha, when I grow up  – rich and important  –  my governor would be “disposed” to see me. And not “despise” my face. Amen!

• First published in Saturday Sun of  My 01, 2004