I still can’t remember how much Bill Clinton paid that young lady who worked “under” him. But  it probably wasn’t more than a squeeze of the bum. If it was, the Americans sure would have raised hell. Moni was involved; but money wasn’t the issue. Well, that was in America. And the girl was just a secretary. With a money-like name. For all the flies Monica Lewinsky “worked under” the former president’s desk, she probably didn’t get up to a million dollar. 

So, we should all be proud that in Nigeria, a minister could pay N2million for a very “special assistance” from a Youth corper. You see, when you get fortyish, life doesn’t only begin, fear of the unknown does too. And if you work as hard as Mallam El Rufai, the Abuja minister, you begin to develop fear of dying from stress.  So, when the mischievous doctor suggests you “take it easy,” that means you need a female “confidential secretary,” “private secretary” or “special assistant.” The name doesn’t really matter, though it helps to define her role. What really matters is that she should be “good” at her assigned “job.” And by God, if she’s good enough to make you “kolo” (mad), then go ahead and “pay” her the whole Central Bank. Because money opens a lot of things – doors, windows, and, well, trouser zips.

Look all those making noise about El-Rufai paying a corper N2million a month are naïve. They really do not know what it means to get a willing “youth” to “work under” a “big man.” It costs money, jare! That girl may have been inexperienced in office administration but please, nobody should insinuate that El-Rufai was a “fool.” I’m sure that man knew what he was paying for. And the girl must have been very experienced in another “administrative enterprise.” Like opening and closing flies, sorry, files.

The truth about this El-Rufai-Kolo “affair” is that the head mixed up with the heart. What with a corper with such a suggestive name and a figure of a youth. I bet any hot-blooded man with “integrity” could have done what the minister did – if he had a “youth corper” working “under” him. What’s wrong in proving yourself a man of dignity? El-Rufai only kept his side of the “bargain,” that’s all.

Another truth? Everybody loves money, except me. That’s why I don’t accept money from people, anyhow. Sometimes, I even protest when I get my pay packet. I challenged an Okadaman, the other day, to tempt me with N1million and see if I would fall. He failed. You know why? The guy had no such money.  As for my pay, I protest because it’s never enough. Why can’t somebody “kolo” enough to pay me N2million a month. Does it have to do with my job, my qualification, my sex, my face or my name? Okay, here’s my CV.

Job: I am an “amebo”, busy-body, reporter. Oyibo call the job journalism, but never mind the big grammar. There’s no money it. Only insult and harassment. Because every illiterate who can buy a biro thinks he’s a journalist.

Qualification: I attended a night school. 

Certificate: N.Sch.

Sex: I try it once a day. Only when I am not fasting! But I fast every night.

Face: I’m very beautiful; don’t you dare think of a  chimpanzee. It’s  not my fault, though. I belong to the club of rich farmers like the late MKO Abiola and General Obasanjo. 

Name: Father named me Usoro. But each tribe bastardises it; transliterates it and concludes I do not deserve a “meritorious” treatment. They don’t know how famous I was in the 1940s. When I’m told I played in one European club-side I don’t even know the name. I just found out on the internet that there was an “Usoro Usoro” once. And he scored all the balls in his own goals!

Anyway, back to money matters. If I loved money so much, I would have worked “with” Sosoli.., sorry, Soludo. If I was in charge of his protocols, I would’ve made millions from paying hotel bills. And since the prudence-preaching CBN gov has refused to lodge for one day in his official guest house, I would have sold the place and kept the change, abi? As it is, the CBN may have to raise its capital base to meet the increasing expenditure by its officials. 

Well, not that I hate money so much. But I don’t like it, either. That’s why I easily take my salary home to “dash” to everybody around. They may claim I owed them, but that’s their business. You see, they’re my detractors, all! Fools; total idiots. Trying to tarnish my poor image. Forget what the private one looks like. It’s called private, isn’t it? The same people who keep trying to spoil my bad name are now out to give (h) el (l)-Rufai hell. 

The difference between me and El-Rufai is that I admit I bought things on credit. Because I had no money. Meanwhile, I’d been working long before the corper girl, Aisha, started secondary school. Now, she’s become rich in a way that makes me retch.

Money in this society has made us all mad. We are all “kolo.” That’s why our minister had earlier denied paying his two PAs in foreign currency. Now,  he’s a lot in common with Clinton. Both “denied” the people, who minutes earlier worked under them. They lied. All because of women.

Clinton: I never had an intimate relationship with that woman.

Journalist: Sir, isn’t it intimate when a woman works under you?

Clinton: I only asked her to ‘zip up’ my fly. You see, there was a knock at the door.

El-Rufai: The best answer to a fool is silence. But the best job for a sexy female youth corper is a special “konkobelo” assistance. And the best reward? My friend, don’t be stupid. Go and read a book called:  How to Stuff Dollars into Bra Cups. 

 The problem with telling lies is that it makes you, well, lie. First,  you lie the lie. Then lie to cover up. And when the truth comes out, you lie to apologise. Then, silence. That’s when the true image of a fool comes out. Only because he has been caught with hands deep in soup! 

Oh well, we can make noise about El-Rufai because he has been “caught.” What about the lawmakers, governors, those in the Presidency and party buffs?  If only El-Rufai had not called the lawmakers “fools.” It would have been easier to treat his case as “family affair” – with some GMG (Ghana-must-go) bags. Our lawmakers have learnt from Baba; they hardly forgive. Even if you apologise with Jesus on one side and Mohammed on the other, you must pay. Did El-Rufai forget  his apology never got an answer from the National Assembly? It was an “empty” apology, I guess. This society has all gone “kolo” with money. Some are mad because they have too much; others because they have none. If not that Obasanjo says there’s no word like “abject” in Nigeria, I would have sworn there’s “abject money madness” here.

FROM MY MAILBOX

Read Eccl. 4: 13-14

Dear Usoro, ever since you launched your irresistible column, I’ve been so obsessed with reading it. Thanks for being original and unbiased. Let me ask, are you one of those who’ve been wondering why, even in the abundance of “BLACK GOLD”, over 80% of Nigerians are living in poverty? Well, the answer isn’t far-fetched. Read Eccl.4:13-14. Let’s hope that the costly mistake we committed in 1999 shall not be repeated come 2007. Cheers. 

 “Inemesit Alfred” <sweetex_007@yahoo.com>  

The way you write

I love the way you write, that is why I don’t miss Saturday SUN so as to read your column. I strongly

believe that the Lord who started with you right fromthe grassroots and made your life a reality today will

also do the same for me. Keep it up.

“utitofon ibanga” <ttfn_ibanga@yahoo.com>  

No need for placards

        God bless you for last week’s  article entitled “Obasanjo wins gold (medal)”. There is no need for Nigerians to bring up placards before Obasanjo knows the people of Nigeria do not like his policies. May God bring more people of your calibre. 

“Caesar Taso” <wilsoneko1@graffiti.net>  

You proved them wrong

Your views and comments on most topical national issues are quite commendable. I love your sense of comprehension on most sensitive issues. At least, you have proved most people wrong with your intellectual capability. Best  regards,

“Ejimofor chukwuma” <jimof4u@yahoo.com>  

• First published in Saturday Sun of  Nov 27, 2004